Ending Driving

lisag

Can anyone share how they were able to get their loved one to stop driving

hollyk77

My mom had not been driving for awhile, but she still had her keys. After she kept talking about having to go somewhere, I just told her that I lost my keys and needed hers. I never gave them back and she doesn't remember me taking them.

​fesk

I think the approach depends on what stage your loved one is in and his/hers level of understanding. For us, it was early days - MCI. We simply explained to her it was no longer safe and we didn't want her or anyone else to get hurt. We also told her we would make sure she got anywhere she needed to be. She understood/agreed. She wasn't happy about it but understood.

harshedbuzz

@lisag

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

There are probably as many ways to curtail driving as there are folks out there who shouldn't be driving. A lot will depend on how compelled to drive the individual is (older men who are into cars or who see this as a function of their masculinity can be tough), whether they can get around in some other way, whether another household member has a car which could be a visual trigger.

We were fortunate that dad's neurologist told him not to drive or handle money when he was given his initial diagnosis in the hospital. For some reason, the former did stick with him and served to make him hate the doc instead of us leaving us to validate his feelings. This also allowed us to remind him that driving AMA would void his insurance and he could lose everything in an accident.

Because dad lived with mom who was still driving, we still had the visual trigger of a car in the garage and in the driveway as well as a need to keep the keys away from him. I did park his preferred car out of his sight for a time initially. He thought I was not letting him drive so I could take it for myself (Because a beat-up red Taurus is my dream car) , so he agreed to sell it to prevent that which was awesome. Of course, he forgot selling it and insisted I had it.

My parents did this weird thing where each car they owned (usually 3-4 at a time) had its own sets of car key/fob and house keys on it so he didn't have his own personal key ring to take away. I have a friend whose dad needed keys to feel calm, she put old keys from cars they no longer owned. We did take dad's license away after he hid it on us. I made a laminated copy (which is probably illegal) for his wallet and mom carried the original for ID at medical appointments.

If your LO is living alone, it's easier generally. One strategy is to use a fiblet about the car being recalled for a safety issue. If you can legally sell it or give it away, you can say that it's in the shop awaiting a replacement part. Rinse and repeat.

HB

SusanB-dil

Some good advice posted.

We disabled MIL's car. Took off a wire, and told our helpful next-door-neighbor not to 'fix' it. First we told her it wasn't safe for her to drive, but as is not unusual for PWD, she pitched a fit. We told her it wasn't working and the part was on back-order. She was fine with that explanation, and eventually got used to not driving. I know some folks would not get used to that, but fortunately for us, that worked.

A lot of family can make the car 'go away'. That would not have been a good plan for us, but does work for a lot of folks.

Gooch

Before her diagnosis, I begged my mother not to make me take away her keys. I told her I trusted she would stop driving the first time she felt it might not be safe. She probably went a little while longer than she should have, but she did stop. Some of the other advice here is smarter and more tailored to someone post-diagnosis.

tebarr27

My Mom's diagnosis is very new, but we've felt there have been memory issues for awhile. She had an eye doctor appointment, and driving was discussed during it. He made the suggestion to stop driving, and her internal doctor followed up by supporting what her eye doctor told her.
Honestly, if made it easier coming from health professionals, who she actually engages with during her appointments. I don't think she would've listened to family.

joellelynhenry

I took my moms car away in May 2022. She had been driving around, lost, for 3 hours. She ended up being stopped by a citizen who called the police. She had 5 miles until empty and was driving on remote roads with no lights on. When she asks about her car, as she does when she wants to go to the store, I tell her that it’s in storage. Looking back, I wished I hadn’t given that reason, since she still wants it almost 1.5 years later. She has no memory of being picked up by the police, and waiting at the police station for 2 hours. But she remembers she has a car. Ughhhh

joellelynhenry

Before we took my moms car away, we used Verizon’s “Hum” device to monitor her whereabouts, car maintenance needs, fuel level……

All family members were able to monitor from their phones.

MN Chickadee

We got off easy on this one; my parents got a new car around the time mom was no longer safe behind the wheel. It had enough new bells and whistles she wasn't interested in trying it and probably couldn't have driven it if she tried. People have to take different approaches depending on circumstances. Hide the keys; disable the car, have it towed away "to be fixed" and it it's "waiting on a part" and never comes back etc. Some get the doctor to tell the PWD they can no longer drive, but that doesn't always work. Some will have no recollection of the conversation or won't care what they were told. Usually you have to find actual logistical ways to keep them out of the car.

jiwatkins

After many failed conversations and no reasoning, we recently had my dad take a driving test that his neurologist, arranged, which proved he is no longer able to drive. That was forwarded to the RMV and now he is required to surrender his license. He is in complete denial, not excepting of it, and every time he goes to look for his keys now, he goes into a fit of rage because it’s a trigger. He is so angry, threatening to leave the house. He’s taking off on foot and very angry, blaming all of us and dismissing at all. My mother stills drives the car. Any suggestions?

joleneg

the doctor recommended we have her assessed as most doctors won’t tell you directly to stop driving. We took my MIL to get assessed for driving. Unfortunately, they passed her even though she failed the verbal part of being able to answer simple questions. 🥴 Physically she can drive the car, but you just never know when that might change. We disagreed with the assessment, but let her drive with someone in the car.

Things progressed and I made the final call after riding in the car with her. She refused to pull over for gas. It became a scary situation (felt like a hostage!) and realized it was very unsafe for everyone to have her behind the wheel.

We decided it was best to take the keys and car away. This time around we told her my car is broken and I need to borrow her car. We have been living this “white lie” for 4 months now. So far it’s going well. She does call me several times to get her “thing” back. I explain my car is still broken and then ask if I can borrow her car. She typically is very happy to help me and tells me I can keep the car. Then we go weeks with no calls.

In December her license will expire and we are certain they won’t pass her at the DMV. We might bring her to get assessed again but it’s not cheap ($400 each time).

it’s a tough call, but my best advice is to follow your gut. When I started thinking of the possibilities of damage, injury to others and her getting lost it really was a punch to the gut.

jdoherty

My father hasn't driven since his diagnosis. The neurologist told him he couldn't drive anymore and he actually accepted it. If you mention it to my father now, he knows he isn't allowed to drive and says he will get arrested if he gets caught. It's been about a year since his diagnosis and he doesn't seem to have any desire to drive thankfully.

bhelp23

My dad’s doctor finally looked my dad in the eyes and asked how he would feel if he accidentally injured a small child riding a bike. That seemed to really sink in after a battle of trying to convince him to give up the keys