Accused of Stealing

Caesar68

My partner’s mother has accused my partner’s brother of stealing money, but we know this isn’t true as his mother has made similar accusations as a result of her forgetting where she keeps her money. Despite our attempts to remind her where her money is kept, she continues to make these statements which has frustrated and angered my partner’s brother. He shared recently that he is done and does not want contact with their mother. Has anyone had this experience before and how to cope with it?

towhee

Hello Caesar68, welcome to the forum. Yes, this is a very frequent occurrence in dementia. From "you stole my clothes, you did not tell me about appt, you moved my furniture, etc. etc. The problem is that often our LOs seem so normal, that we cannot wrap our heads around the fact that their brains are damaged. Try listening to this When someone with dementia believes something untrue. - YouTube . Teepa Snow: Caring for Someone Who Has Dementia - YouTube the last part of this one Teepa Snow - Making Visits Valuable - Part 6: The Promise, Take Me Home, Things go Missing - YouTube

Logic very rarely works when someone has dementia, their brain just cannot process it and even when logic works their brain cannot hold on to the conclusion. So when you try to tell your person with dementia that they are wrong, they either think you are lying, you are telling them that they are lying, or if they (rarely) understand that they were wrong they now believe they are going crazy. None of which helps the situation in the slightest. First rule, don't try to reason with dementia. Second rule, give up wanting your LO to acknowledge that you are right. Third, it is not about trusting you or believing you, it is not personal, it is the disease. Fourth, fiblets you might use to keep the peace are not the same thing as lies.

I know this goes against the grain, and it is definitely easier said than done. I suggest watching a lot of Teepa Snow, and practice your responses with someone. You want to validate the emotion, and give your LO an out if possible. Example, "you did not tell me about appt" I Didn't? I am so sorry. It is a harder to do with stealing accusations, but trying to argue with dementia is an unwinnable battle where everyone gets exhausted.

MN Chickadee

It's extremely common in the middle stages of dementia. I hadn't lived at home for many years but my mom with Alz was convinced my friends were taking her clothing and jewelry. It was because she was misplacing stuff and didn't understand where it went so her broken brain was filling in the story with an incorrect patchwork of glimpses of the past. Many PWD are also plagued by anxiety at what is happening to them and it manifests as accusing those closest to them, like a child acting out for their parents. You need therapeutic fibs. Agree with her reality even if it hurts. I'm sorry your money is missing, let me help you look for it. I will get it back for you, I promise. I am here for you. Sure, perhaps your son borrowed your TV remote, I will get it back for you. I will take care of it, I promise. Distract to something pleasant. Throw a smoke bomb to get her off the topic like a new magazine, a tasty piece of candy, a bird in the feeder etc. Rinse and repeat. It's exhausting but trying to convince her of OUR reality is useless and will actually do more harm than good; she will think you are gaslighting her because her brain can't process the logic properly and the last thing you need is more anxiety and distrust. If her son is getting to the point he says he is done perhaps he does need a break. He may need to read up on dementia to understand that it is her disease talking and she can't help it. Understanding the Dementia Experience and The 36 Hour Day are good things to read to get a handle on the disease. Also second the suggestion for anything by Teepa Snow. Your BIL may be taking this personally because he doesn't understand the disease.

harshedbuzz

@Caesar68

The accusation of thievery is garden variety dementia behavior typically seen starting in the late early/middle stages. Anosognosia is also common at this point which prevents the PWD to appreciate that they have had a shift in cognition which makes it impossible for them to accept any responsibility in things going missing.

FTR, dad spent a couple years accusing me of selling his house on the golf course for $360K less than it was worth. This number was remarkably consistent which struck me as odd. Folks here suggested I apologize which I, frankly, thought was nuts. Dad and I never really got on and I have had a lifetime of him ascribing motives and accusations, so this wasn't a new script. One day when I chose to allow him to really get into it because I needed to make a video clip for his geriatric psychiatrist demonstrating how challenging his at-home behavior was for my mom as dad showtimed during his appointments. Once I got the footage I needed to make my point, I tried apologizing. Much to my utter surprise, it worked. I said I was sorry and would never do it again and he settled down immediately. This fixation faded after that.

This short download helped me get into dad's mind and reframe how I handled a lot of dad's behaviors. It was helpful for my mom as well. Perhaps this could help your partner's brother get to a place where he can be OK with this ugly aspect of dementia.

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

It could also be that the brother is purposing his mom's behavior as a get-out-of-jail-free card to avoid participating in her care. Sadly, in any family with multiple siblings, there is often that one who is burdened with the lion's share of the caregiving responsibilities.

HB