Advice needed (MC/AL)

Anonymousjpl123

Hi everyone,

I moved my mom to MC and it was overall really positive. Then I think I screwed up. This weekend, she was complaining a lot about memory care: she wanted to move back to her old AL apt.

Because she was a very difficult mom, sometimes I just give in from exhaustion. So I agreed that we could discuss it. Here is the possible mistake I made. She didn’t believe she was in the same building as the AL, so I took her to the lobby and she saw it was the same, including her friends. Last night she called so angry I moved her, raging.

Of course as you all know how this goes; this morning that has all been forgotten. She still wants to move. She thinks everyone is stealing her stuff.

I thought I was doing the right thing being honest. We have an appt with neurosurgeon this week about the shunt, but I am less and less hopeful about her cognitive abilities returning.

Why did I say she could move back there if everything goes ok medically? I feel like there is no right way to do this. Honestly I’m not even sure they would take her back in AL at this point.

Why is this so hard??? I guess I have a week or so of peace and it gets hard again.

Seashore Trish

I think. you are right....there is no right way to do this. We do our best with what is in front of us, so don't beat yourself up.

Anonymousjpl123

Thank you @Seashore Trish. So true!

She called very confused again about where she lived, and then called a few minutes later (must have talked to people) a lot more relaxed.

This is the new normal and I cannot freak out every time she falls into a rage or gets disoriented. The rage used to happen before, not the disorientation. It’s hard. Another check plus for memory care in her case.

Emily 123

Hi JPL,

In the lobby she saw what she had lost, and the disease won't let her understand the reason why. Can't blame her for being angry since it's never going to make sense to her because of the disease.

The first rule of dementia fight club is to to try to keep things calm.

We've all over-explained things to our loved ones in an attempt to orient them. We want them to understand why we're making the decisions we have. Usually won't work, and it can agitate them.

As much as you want her to improve, where she is mentally right now is what you've got to deal with. To keep things moving along smoothly THIS version of your mom gets to be right when she tells you that she's in a different building, or the moon is made of green cheese, or she ate ten bagels for breakfast.

You can blame the move to a new room on the doctor, or need for testing. Honestly, she won't remember, so any number of fiblets could work. Maybe just avoid discussing it altogether. Divert, divert, divert. Don't set yourself up to seem like you are the one making the decisions that are angering her. She might not remember the details, but she will remember the emotion.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncKhXQtnyfI

housefinch

For your own sake, can you let your phone go to voicemail when she calls, or can the MC stop allowing her phone access? I don’t mean to sound cruel. I’m just wondering how fruitful her calls are for her and for you. Maybe staff can troubleshoot her repeated questions, since they probably have a standard response and lack the emotional overlay we all naturally have in response to our family members?

Anonymousjpl123

@Emily 123 it is so so true. A crazy thought: I am honestly wondering if I am also partly in denial.

Today she called in a great mood, saying they were playing a game “with a bouncing ball” and it was fun, and I wanted to cry at how much she sounded like someone with dementia. She then asked if we could go to lunch, I said I was at work, and she was ok with it.

I’m sitting at my desk feeling like crying. Watching this unfold is a nightmare. I worry her being in memory care will cause the disease to progress, even though I know that makes zero sense.

@housefinch yes. I do try to limit picking up her calls. I think I’m still adjusting to the fact that staff are there to help. When she was in AL I took all her calls because I had to. Now there are staff.

I will know more after talking to the neurosurgeon, but it’s been quite an awakening.