Boyfriend / Friend

aussie110872

My mother befriended a man at the independent living center shortly after she moved in in 2017. Since then the relationship has become more romantic and they discussed marriage (long story). It should be noted that he was placed in the Care Ctr a couple of years ago and is not doing well. My mother's memory has progressively gotten worse. With all that said, early 2022 something happened to their relationship (we cannot get any answers and mom doesn't remember) but he hurt her and she took a downward spiral with her health, ended up in the hospital two separate times. She is now on assisted living, and doing better but has not had contact (as we requested) with the 'ex' boyfriend. The care center agreed with us as it was causing her much grief, confusion and depression. She does not remember what happened or why they are not in a relationship anymore. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and mom has been on a rampage asking why she can't see him and that they are just friends (she still does not have any recollection that they were romantic, discussing marriage and broke up and that he hurt her....and we don't think he remembers much either). We are torn, should we allow her to visit him (apparently someone recently has passed a few notes on to my mom from him), or should we stand our ground. How do we approach this delicate situation. Anyone have any advice or experienced anything similar? Thank you.

FAHNJL

Stand your ground, unless you want her to be injured again.

Jo C.

This is a case of your needing to protect your mother from herself, and the use of kind fiblets are probably in order. Your mother's brain is badly damaged. She no longer has the logic, judgment or reasoning that a person without her level of dementia would have as well as her memory being highly compromised. She is no longer competent to format her own plan of care or to make decisions for herself. She will need to depend upon you. (Who is the note passer? If staff - way out of line and needs reporting. If another resident, then have staff deal with the inappropriateness.)

If she does not know that he is still in her building, perhaps some fiblets along the line of the idea he has moved far away to another state, etc.

Or . . . if she knows somehow that he is still there at her location; perhaps he is "in isolation," due to COVID or some other reason. Perhaps a few days later, if she brings him up again, he has moved. Do try to refocus her.

One other thing: You may want to have her checked for a "silent" urinary tract infection which may cause an uptick in negative behaviors/thinking. These UTIs are called silent because they have no physical symptoms; no pain, no burning, no frequency; BUT in many instances there will be a change in behaviors until the UTI is treated.

It would also be a good idea as much as possible, to get her refocused onto something else to engage her. Perhaps speaking with the Activity Director and Social Worker would be helpful to get and keep her engaged to her abilities which would lessen her present fixation.

Sending best wishes for all to go well,

J.

aussie110872

Thank you! We are using fiblets for sure...telling her we will look into why she can't visit. We think the notes are being passed via a staff member, so that call will be made this week. We just wanted to get more confident in our decision to not allow her to start visiting him again. thank you again for the advice, thoughts etc.

MN Chickadee

I would protect her from this situation. Sometimes we have to do things they hate us for even though it's in their best interest; just like raising our kids. Her mind can't understand the logic and putting her back in that situation sounds unfair to her and not safe. Tell her he has covid and can't have visitors. After a few weeks if she is still asking maybe he went to rehab or a different facility or is traveling or whatever works. Eventually she will forget and move on. It's common for PWD to hyper focus on something but if her anxiety is getting over the top about it you might consult her doctor about a change in medication.

aussie110872

Thank you!!