How do I hide away important papers?

Gooch

When locking away important papers, what do you tell your loved one? I care for my mom. Three years ago pre-diagnosis, we made a go-bag together, including all the most important documents out of her filing cabinet. Since then, far down the Alzheimer's road now, she needs to look through that bag about once a month. She has lost her vision and can't read, but denies it with the bag open in front of her and "reads" papers, complains that things are out of order, implies that we have been going through her things, etc. This has become a huge issue for me, pushes all my buttons, and I'm done. She started with it first thing out of bed this morning, it ended with me shouting at her, and I have put the bag in a safe place in another room. She is furious with me. Demands it back. I had a small stroke three months ago and do not want to get that upset. What do I do? I need a lie, or a big re-direct when the issue comes up, or do I just wait and hope she forgets about it? I don't see that happening for a while, she is too invested in that bag. If anyone has dealt with this, I would appreciate knowing what you did.

M1

My partner invalidated a will by making unsigned and undated changes to it. I hid the original of the next one and gave her only a copy. That's what I would do. Do you have power of attorney?

Gooch

I do have power of attorney. I don't really know what it means, I'd better find out.

Others have suggested I make copies for her. But this is a big bag full of many, many documents! How far do I go with this impostor bag? Do I have to duplicate the binders, staple the same number of pages, how much does she need? Or, will she forget it?

Emily 123

Hi Gooch,

I get it pushes all your buttons, because of the accusations. It's very hard, but yes, don't engage. Walk away if you can't divert, and let her organize them. She may, for some reason, feel insecure in the moment, and going through the go- bag is reassuring for her.

She may be at the point where 'out of sight is out of mind', in which case removing the bag will do the trick. But she might actively search for the bag through habit & become unsettled when it's missing, which won't be restful for anyone.

It comes down to being able to accept that she has a mental vision of how the papers should be and the reality isn't ever going to match it, and she's going to fuss because the disease makes her illogical.

What worked for me was the classic ol' blame switcheroo. When my mom would start to get a bit huffy I'd agree with her main point, but not let her blame me 'Oh my gosh, look at that! Well, you had that out last night and rushed to put it away when you went to dinner...do you want to fix it now? What do you need?'' You can sit her at a table and task her with organization. Over and over. 🙂

In terms of making copies for her--as the POA, keeping originals safe when there's a risk of them getting misplaced will never hurt. If you really had to bolt, like the house is on fire, what originals would it be really helpful in the aftermath to establish her identity? For me it would be Social security card, original birth certificate, marriage certificate, proof of insurance, deed, will, POA, advanced directives, ID card, maybe last year's tax return, bank info...it might not even be all that much since so many things are accessible online now.

If she keeps the bag I'd fish out the really important things and replace with copies, & would also take a scan/photo of each key document and file away electronically. Then she can have the bag & rummage to her heart's content.

Gooch

Thank you both very much. I will read and reread and figure this out.

MP8

Hi, Gooch. Just a thought to add to others' suggestions. You might consider creating a new go bag that she doesn't know about but would be the actual bag that you would grab. Put the original papers you need, plus other necessities in there, and then let your mom keep the originally created go bag to do with as she wants.

She can think she is organizing and in control of her bag, while you have the actual bag prepared in case of need.

Gooch

I have an update and a new question. I did finally stay up most of one night and sorted everything in the bag, pulling originals and making copies. I have my own bag put away of all the original most important docs and I gave her back a reasonable facsimile of the original bag. At first she was glad to have it stowed in the normal place.

Now she has taken to getting it out and "reading" everything, (she can't see to read), and she has developed a paranoid story of lawyers trying to do her out of her house. She wants me to read things to her, which I've done many times, but then she wants to call the lawyer, who she thinks is a crook. I have tried many distractions, today I've said, let's put it aside today Mom, it's Sunday, we can't do anything. It worked long enough to get her through breakfast, but it started again immediately after. It's so stressful for me to listen to her and try to mirror her feelings.

How has anyone else dealt with this kind of paranoid obsession? I know it has to do with her loss of control.

Gooch

I did try Emily 123's "blame switcheroo", but Mom goes from "reading" things to knowing she can't see to read and pulling me back in to read for her. I'm considering finding someone to "handle" this problem for us since I am unable to.

JeriLynn66

If the paranoia and agitation are new or are worsening, 1. Check for UTI and/or 2. See if her physician has suggestions for medication.

Good luck and keep us posted ❤️

Emily 123

Sorry, Gooch--was hoping it would work for you. Jerilynn has two good points. You must be exhausted.

calmmorn

Hi Gooch, there is so much wonderful advice here. I would have tried all the same things. My mom went through an intense paranoia phase around the time of the diagnosis a few years ago. She was obsessed with this reusable grocery bag which contained a wallet with IDs and some cash, and various other knick knacks. Slowly, when she wasn’t looking, I thinned out the contents and replaced the IDs with useless cards. Basically just recreated a bag that could be lost with no impact.

Over time, she let go of that bag. The more I became her scaffolding, the less need she had for that bag and it just naturally disappeared.

With these more intense behaviors, I find it helpful to use a more iterative approach. Try-Observe-Adjust. Try something, note what worked and what didn’t and then make adjustments. Also, sometimes something may not seem to be working in the moment, but it could be our tone of voice, body language and wording that just needs a little fine tuning.

In your case, it sounds like you’ve already uncovered some key pieces of information about your mom’s obsession. First, the “what”- what exactly are the documents that she is most concerned with. Second, maybe the “why”- concern over losing the house, unsavory lawyers and possibly financial insecurity.

I would try zeroing in on these things. Maybe something like “I know you are worried about the house, Mom. I read over the docs and there is no way that the lawyers or anyone else can take it from you. You are the only name on the deed and title. Etc…” and “I would never let anyone take this house from you. This is your house.” And maybe this can lead to a redirection “Remember when you bought this house, mom? Do you have any favorite memories of living here?” And maybe sticking with your redirection, so that it is always Sunday and “we can call the lawyers tomorrow.”

If there is someone else that your mother implicitly trusts, it could help to get them involved as well.

I think frequency matters too. If this is occurring once or twice a week/month, that is more manageable. If this occurring all day everyday and it has been going on for months, it may be worth taking note of this and other anxious behaviors and talking with your mother’s doctor.

I offered the above because you asked if anyone had similar experiences, but I also noted that you have serious health concerns of your own. As the dementia progresses, our parents will have more and more challenging behaviors. If you have the option of bringing someone in to help you, I would definitely explore that.

This is all hard stuff. I am sending you lots of warm wishes that something will work.

Gooch

I will offer an update. Six weeks later, it's still going on, a couple of days a week. I came back here this morning because she just got up and plans to "call the lawyer" today, after a long session yesterday evening that ended with me losing my temper, raising my voice and leaving the room. Mom is still very capable physically, I checked on her a few times, and my husband was in the room, but she put herself to bed. I feel ashamed when I lose it though. This is about the third time. It's too stressful. I must find a way to stop myself. Mom was used to doing everything herself, her way, for 60 years. Her faith in herself is unshakable. She complains about not being able to read, and then "reads" her documents and tells me what they are about. Nothing I say gets through. She will be diverted for a while, but then I get comments about how I never help her. Does anyone wear earplugs? I'm not kidding.

Calmmorn, thank you for your extensive input. I do have a 5 hour break now on Saturday afternoons, a wonderful companion caregiver paid by a program through the county office of aging. So I can give my mind a real rest at least once a week. I am trying to line up other, short-notice helpers.

Thank you all for letting me vent, and I appreciate all suggestions, I know you're busy.

harshedbuzz

@Gooch

That's great advice you've gotten. I wanted to offer a slightly different take on this than what @calmmorn said "As the dementia progresses, our parents will have more and more challenging behaviors."

My dad was head-strong and paranoid as a baseline. As his dementia progressed and he lost the ability to hold onto these sorts of fixations and got more used to mom and I taking charge, he relaxed a bit his care became much easier in many respects. Mid-stage dad was a constant deluge of paranoia, belligerence, accusations and threats; in the later stages with less cognition and memory he was easier to work around and redirect. In the very late stages, he showed a sweet-natured side I had never seen in my life.

HB

PS my mom wore earplugs a lot. Whatever it takes.

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Emily 123

Hi Gooch,

The perseverating isn't good for her or for you. You've tried to redirect and it doesn't work, and you're miserable because you want to be kind, but the dementia has altered her. You cannot explain or argue with dementia. It's futile.

Others have asked: Is she on any meds for the anxiety/paranoia? If yes, might be time for an adjustment. If no, might be time to start. As HB noted, she will eventually move out of this, but in the meantime, whatever the source of her anxiety, she's running on a hamster wheel, which can't be a good place to be.

I'd say engage less with her at this point, when those papers come out. Yes, earplugs, noise cancelling headphones, etc. Turn up the jams.

Consider this: Why not have few weeks peace by setting up a respite care stay for mom?