Death of DH

SuzyGail

My husband died in March after an 8 year battle with Alzheimer's. I am concerned because I don't seem to be going through a grief process. I don't even know how I am feeling. I know he is in a better place and after 61 years of marriage I miss him, but there is relief for me too because I don't have to watch him suffer any more. I have a feeling of guilt that his death brought me relief. Has anyone else felt this way? Is it because I lost him a long time ago. I don't know why I feel this way.

terei

It really has not been that long since he died. I think sometimes it just takes time to come to terms with death. I was sad that my mom died, but I was happy that she did not have to suffer any longer with AD. (and relieved that the rest of the family no longer had to witness it). I keep reminding myself that we are ALL terminal + death is part of our lives + am at peace with her death.

jfkoc

Dear Suzy....grief has a life of its own and is different for each of us. You have lost the person you were bonded to for many years. It is a tremendous loss. Do not underestimate.

While being overcome with grief when my husband died I immediately felt a sense of relief. It was very surprising but it did not take long for me to understand why.

Now is your time to do what you need. I hibernate...you may heal with lots of activity.

Do what you need and do not listen to what others think you should be doing.

Ed1937

Suzy, this is going to sound crazy to you. My only sister died several years ago, and I didn't feel like I was grieving at all. My only brother died about a year later, and I felt it right away. Probably about 6 months after he died, I woke up in the middle of the night crying because I lost my sister. I'm not sure it is possible to understand grief. I wouldn't worry about it. There's nothing wrong.

Denise1847

Hi Suzy,

Please do not feel guilty. I think you know you lost your husband a long time before his body died. I think we grieve as the disease progresses. It also may depend on your beliefs on what happens after you die. I have lost a baby, a mother, a sister etc. The long illnesses that lead to death have us feeling relief that the pain for both our loved is gone. When there is a sudden death, it is gut-wrenching, but everyone is different. I surely am not the expert.

Your DH would not want you to suffer. He would want you to live for both of you. Please release yourself from suffering any further.

gampiano

Suzy,

I feel that our grief is on going, all through the stages of this miserable illness. Most of the time I'm in "business mode", looking at the situation in a detatched way . That is how i'm functioning. Then i'll hear a song, or begin having a conversation with a random person and i start to choke up.Its very random.Our mourning period began with the diagnosis and its been one continuous dirge all these years. Don't feel bad, you're exhausted, and when the tears come, just lean in .

Wishing you the gift of happy memories,

Maureen

Quilting brings calm

You've been grieving ever since you started noticing his cognitive issues. Especially once you got the diagnosis and understood it was terminal. So even though he died in March, you are much further along in the grieving process than six months.

In addition, some people grieve differently than others. I’ve been told I’m a realist and/ or pragmatic. I realize that death happens and that I still have to deal with everyday life. Or it could be that I was raised in the ‘I will give you something to cry about’ generation. Either way, I tend not to cry or show outward emotion even though I miss the person a lot. In cases of the elderly or terminally ill, I just seem to accept it easier.

ghphotog

I'm sure I would have mixed emotions. On one hand I think I would be glad the journey is over for both of us and on the other I would miss her but I "think" the relief would overshadow the grief. I spoke with friends that had been a caregiver for a parent with dementia for a long time and when the parent died they told me they didn't even shed a tear, Just relief. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. Your LO will never know and I'm sure if they could they would tell you that everything is ok and for you to be happy. They are probably relieved also for you as well as themselves.

I was looking at my DW last night as she fell asleep on the couch and am glad she doesn't really understand what's happening to her. She would be shocked and devastated if she could've looked into the future 10 years ago and saw how this disease would cause her to change so much as a person. I remember who she used to be and am grateful that she doesn't.

sad lucy

Thank you for your comments my husband died 3 weeks ago I have not shed a tear I feel something is wrong with me I cared for him 8 years and in the nursing home 6 months. When I went to visit him some days he would know me and others he would not. I did ask him one time what my name is and he tilted his head and said "do you have a memory problem" I had to smile he knew what he was saying have to remember the sweet times.

upstateAnn

I understand. My DH is still with me, but a constant grief is already here. I think we become widows/widowers gradually as our loved ones fade away. We are mourning what we lost as parts of them slip away. The physical death is just the last step in a long process.

SDianeL

Since you have questions about how you are feeling or supposed to be feeling, perhaps a grief counselor would help. Everyone grieves differently. With this disease we grieve from the moment we get the diagnosis. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Relief is immediate. Grief takes longer. Usually something will trigger it like a picture, a memory or going out to eat at a favorite restaurant alone. Allow yourself to have the relief. Sending hugs.

SuzyGail

Thanks so much to all of you. It is good to know that I'm not alone in this grief process. I get an email every day from Grief Share and I read it and think -- that's not me. I believe they are just confusing me so I know I need to find my own way through this, and I know everyone grieves differently. I hope for all of you that you can stay strong and keep helping others of us who have gone through or are going the difficulties of this horrible disease. Thanks again. Your advice has been so comforting.

jfkoc

Short story. About two months ago I shared with my NP that I missed my husband. She suggested counseling and this woman called me. I asked if she was or had been a widow. When she said no I thanked her for the call but that I would only be interested in talking to someone who understood my situation.

LindaLouise

I've experienced this with my Dad passing a year ago - and am now experiencing the process again with my DH of 45 years. My dad passed of unrelated medical issues many years into Alzheimer's and it was several months after he was gone that the waves of grief of missing who he was prior to the disease began for all of us. For my mom, who had been his wife for 65 years and his caregiver, there was so much to process that it is only now, a year and a half later, that she is really processing his passing. She is also reliving many good memories as she is further away from the stress of caregiving. For my husband, even though I knew something was not right and had a pretty good idea of what it was due to walking through this with my dad - when I was first referred to by the neurologist as his caregiver and saw how low he scored on the MoCa it was absolutely the beginning of grieving. I think I was in shock for the first 6 months. It has been a year now the reality is sinking in - along with waves of sadness, disbelief, and wondering how this could have happened. I can see that the walk down the road of grieving is well under way - but I see it as a very long road and am pretty worried about what lies ahead.

Lgb35

I am early in this journey. My DH can still hold a conversation and he is still able to work. I do already feel I am starting to grieve the loss of my lifelong companion. It is hard to hear others our age talking about their retirement plans while I know that is not in the cards for us. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. More than likely you have been grieving for the past 8 years.

Soul Mate

My husband died at the beginning of December, 2023, so about 10 months ago. At first I felt nothing and was able to get through the funeral and the holidays without shedding a tear. But by the end of January the tears started and since then I have been crying every few days or so when I'm alone in my apartment and occasionally outside of it. I live in a Senior Community and once a month a hospice grief counselor comes and we have a grief share. Each time I am overcome with tears and can not get any words out. So far no one else coming to the group has openly cried so I am starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me. Our community is large and there are a couple of deaths a week. Not every widow or widower comes to grief support, some come only once and others are pretty regular for a while. I don't know what others do behind closed doors but I haven't really seen anyone crying.

fayth

My husband died in February after an 8 year struggle with Alz. He was in memory care the last year. I, too, am confused about my reaction. I don't cry very much. I feel tired and kind of pre-occupied. I think about him all the time. Sometimes I remember good times, sometimes I remember the horrific final years. I'm not sure what to make of it. I am pretty sure I've been grieving for a very long time. And when he was ill for so long, I just wanted it to end. I've been grieving for a long time. I also know that I had to just push through the last 8 years to get through it and it sometimes I feel like I'm just pushing myself through.