I am reaching out/for what IDK? just some advice, comments or anything? Dimenitia

nancylking16

I am my mother's caregiver other than we have 54 hours of home care and without them ladies helping me, I wouldn't have made it this far, but its getting worse and my mother is 86 and she is starting to say how she hates me and just gets so mad when I try to prevent her from the main thing lately is she wants to go to my brothers garden just down the road at my age would be an good walk and gather vegies and she is not able, she falls alot and I am all alone is this battle with acceptance of this disease and its so hard , but I got this link for you guys and I am so thankful, I just needed to know I wasn't alone in this disease, watching my mother turn mean and then like someone said deny even saying anything at all bad and its just hurtful and I am trying to learn to deal with it, but it is soooo hard, me and my mother was close and never had a harsh word, she was a loving mother, and I am losing her slowly. I am grieving, I guess, anyone have just anything thoughts, comments is welcome. Just need to know I'm not alone in this disease.

SusanB-dil

Hi nancylking - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. You are not alone.

None of 'this' is easy. Do keep in mind that the mean things she is saying is not her, but the disease. I know that is easier said than done, but it helps to know that. Yes, we grieve for the person that 'was'.

Good you have some home care. I hope you are getting some respite with that? And is paperwork in order? You might also want to tell her doc about any increased agitation. They can try a med or increase an existing one to take the edge off of that. MIL is on a few that really helps with the mood and mood swings without a zombie effect. We have had to increase some dosages over the past year and half, and that is to be expected.

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place. This forum has been a life saver for me. Please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it will give you tips on how to care for your Mom. Arguing doesn't work. Sometimes distraction does. Sometimes not. It's her disease that is causing it. Another tip in the book is to use fiblets. Tell her fibs and get your brother to agree. Maybe the veggies are all gone or have been picked and put up and bring her some? I would also ask her doctor for medications that can make her less angry and agitated. Sending hugs. My DH is 78 & was diagnosed 2 years ago and he is very agitated and angry. They did put him on Risperidone but it hasn't helped so far. He is sleeping better that's about it. Going to ask if there is anything else they can do.

Jo C.

Hello Nancy and a very warm welcome to you! This is a very good place to come and share what is happening; to find experiential wisdom, and even just to share our feelings.

You will hear about the use of using "therapeutic fiblets." They can be a very effective tool in the Caregiver's toolbox as a comfort and kind method of managing and helping our Loved Ones (LOs) when necessary. Trying to explain rationally, arguing, refusing, etc. just does not help as our LOs brains are more or less "broken," and cannot process such items as their logic, reasoning and judgment is highly compromised. By using "fiblets," we can often gain the ends we need without having our LOs getting upset or working themselves into a meltdown.

We also often find that the person doing the most for our LOs is usually the person that gets all the anger and blame; it is part of the process as we are the most visible and the one closest doing the most. This is where I learned the hard lesson of simply, "letting go." If our LO were in their normal healthy self, they would probably be appalled at their behaviors if they knew of them. Rather than refusing her to go to up the road, try using fiblets as suggested by SDianeL, and also by refocusing her onto something else whether a chore, getting coffee and a treat, planning to go somewhere else and doing it, starting a conversation or distracting her to something outside the window such as a squirrel, or bird, or perhaps news she may have forgotten such as " Oh!Guess what? Guess who is getting married . . . or having a baby, or something at church or happening with a relative," you get the idea.

NOTE: Sometimes, and this is as big one - if our LO is having changes in behaviors. or function or cognition; (especially behaviors), to have them checked for a "silent" urinary tract infection. These UTIs are called, "silent," because there will be no physical signs of pain, burning, frequency, etc. The most frequent sign of a silent UTI will be changes in behaviors and/or temperament. This happened with my LO multiple times. Once the infection is treated, the person usually returns to their usual way of being. Always good to have that checked.

And . . . as time moves forward, this sort of dynamic changes and is not as florid; but that also means the disease has advanced.

The most important thing to remember is that you are doing the best you can. There is no perfection in any of this; there is only the best you can do under the circumstances with the challenges at hand. If you can have someone to be with your mother to give you a break now and then, that would be helpful; even if only for a few hours to get out and about - and if you were really truly lucky; perhaps someone to take her for a couple of days leaving you to recoup your energy.

Let us know how it is going; we are here in support of one another and that now includes you too.

Warmest of thoughts being sent your way from one daughter to another,

J.

psg712

Nancylking, hugs to you. My mom is in an AL , likely moving to MC before too long. I find myself sad and angry at all the changes she is going through, and at the loss of the person she was. I get an occasional glimpse of her and then she is gone again. My aunt (Dad's side) lost her DH to Alzheimers. She told me that we don't cry when they die, because we've used all our tears while losing them along the way. Makes a lot of sense to me. Know that you are not alone, there are many of us in the struggle.