caring for a LO with paranoia

Joyce Cooper

I am new at caring for a person with ALZ. My LO has thought that she expresses to me about suspicions, frustrations and resentments of other family members. I don't know what, if any to share, what to blow off and what to help with. He throught become obsessions some times and I am afraid family members who don't quite understand will be hurt and the relationship destroyed. Help me decide.

mommyandme (m&m)

Teaching you and yours as much as you can about the dementia experience may help. Letting family members know that often part of this journey includes suspicions, frustrations, resentments, obsessions, prior to experiencing it themselves, may deflect some awkward moments and hurt feelings. I don’t think there’s any reason to share your LOs specific comments. Letting her know you’re there for her by validating her discomforts might help calm her, even momentarily. Apologizing for things, even when unfounded, may help too. In our journey, apologies, validations, empathy and lots of loving comments, etc… went a long way. Reasoning with a dementia patient is often futile and can lead to frustrations all around.

This resource has helped many and is a quick read: https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/3/understanding-the-dementia-experience#xtpcs

”The 36 Hour Day” is also a very good resource.

oh and Welcome to this forum but sorry you need it. Hope you find this niche a good place to learn, share and vent, as have I.

Joyce Cooper

Thank you so much for the comment. This reinforced what I was thinking but without much knowledge. This will help me with family members who don't have much basic information either.

SDianeL

It's called confabulation. I wouldn't tell them anything she says. My DH recently told my daughter (his step-daughter), that I gave my Step-Dad $9000 for his 89th birthday! My sweet daughter didn't miss a beat and asked my DH "where's mine?" 😄 We had a car broken into in our apartment complex. The sheriff came and asked neighbors if they saw anything. Later my DH said our next door neighbors are the ones who broke into the car. They were interviewed by the sheriff but did not break into the car.

harshedbuzz

It could be confabulation or delusion- which are similar but not quite the same thing.

My father did both. He was diagnosed fairly late in the game, well before I had learned enough about dementia to not really get angry. I suspect my dad did this with others because at the time he was finally diagnosed he was persona non grata with his closest friends and his brother.

The conflated memories actual memories where much of the detail was lost to the disease process. For instance, he accused me of leaving my son in a bar and disappearing with some guy I just met to hook up, as they say. At closing time, the bartender called my parents to come get my kid and then my parents kept him and raised him because I was unfit and brought shame on the family. Some version of this story did happen-- that's what makes it conflated. My sister did take her kids to a bar (she was meeting someone to given them back some money she borrowed) and got very drunk. My older niece gave the bartender my parents' number to call. My parents came to get the 3 of them dropping sis at home and keeping the kids for the weekend. My father also took his sister's kids one night when the older one night when she overdosed on prescribed barbiturates; in this case his parents stepped in and raised the kids while the sister went through a series of treatment facilities and husbands. In his mind, a female relative was a lousy parent and he had to come to the rescue-- dad as the hero of all scenarios was a regular theme. He adored his sister, my sister was his mini-me and the pair of us never really got along so it made sense that I was the bad guy.

Not all confabulations were accusatory. He believed he owned a home in SC; he visited SC yearly to golf and stayed in a condo on the beach but he never owned it. He told me he'd had his knee replaced; nope, mom had TKR. We had to limit TV options because he started conflating TV shows. While it was amusing when he thought he was Tom Selleck in Bluebloods, if wasn't when he believed he'd been the victim of a murder/kidnapping on Law & Order: SUV.

Delusions are false beliefs and these seem to be more typical in dementia. Often these seemed to stem from a sense of anxiety or grandiosity in dad's case. He routinely believed that mom was cheating on him without reason while I was a thief or did things behind his back which cost him hundreds of thousands in losses. He also thought he owned very home on his street and that he slept in a different one from where he spent the day.

I would educate yourself and others to take the sting out of this. I could usually convince dad that mom wasn't cheating by laying it on thickly about how handsome and smart and wonderful he was-- where's my Oscar?-- but it didn't work if she tried. For his accusations against me, I initially just left the room and had a laugh or eye-roll. I did try the strategy of apologizing which was useful and then redirecting to another topic or a cookie.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I agree with your instinct to try to preserve relationships.

HB

Joyce Cooper

Thank you all for the comments. My LO is lending me items recently. They are old family history stuff that she has guarded through the years. I have taken them, but , hindsight being what it is, should I? I don't want her to forget I gave them back. I feel like I am walking on a very narrow bridge here. Any thoughts would be helpful.

mommyandme (m&m)

She may forget she ever loaned them to you too. You could make a quick log of what the items are, whenish you received them and when you returned them or when you do return them. Then there’s a visual for your LO and others to see, assuming she/they will trust it. Although my first thought when reading your question was don’t worry about it til there’s something to worry about. There’s enough worry with just safety and peace without projecting what could happen. Staying in the present began to help me a lot while managing our journey.

If you don’t get many responses on this question, since it’s at the bottom of this thread, you might pose it again a new thread.

I’m so sorry for your worries. I wish there was a way to ease our minds.