To talk or not to talk !

JC5

I’m feeling like I don’t want to have conversations with DH. I know it sounds terrible and I feel awful. The last few weeks I’ve seen a change in his short term memory. I will talk to him about something and a few minutes later will refer back to it and I’d have to repeat again. I find myself getting agitated and feel it would be easier just not to talk. How do I overcome this?

Katielu

JC5,

I understand where you are at, I’ll be watching to see what kind of answers you get. My DH is has been in Stage 4 for a while, but has had regular decline in the last few months. His short term memory is worse. I did not work Friday and spent Friday and Saturday with him, all day. This morning he is asking me if I might have time to spend with him today, he feels like I have been too busy to find time with him. I sat on the couch for hours watching football with him yesterday. I fixed him dinner, made him dessert, held his hand, gave him u divided attention, and this morning I met with “ can you work me into your busy schedule”

it frustrates me, makes me feel like I need a little break, a few hours for me ( which makes me feel selfish) but he is feeling like I haven’t given him time lately. I WILL be gone most of the day tomorrow as I work away from home tomorrow ( I do that once a week)

Sorry, I didn’t have an answer for you question. I opened the site to find something to make me feel better, at least I know I am not the only one.

Thanks.

Ed1937

I know this is something that can be difficult. If this is something that came on suddenly (doesn't sound like it), checking for a UTI would be in order. Otherwise, I think that total acceptance that he has dementia has to be considered the key. Even though it's not easy, you have to constantly remind yourself that it's not his fault, and you will likely have this as part of your life for a while. I wish it were easier.

sandwichone123

It's hard. I talk to my dh about whatever he brings up, as many times as I can tolerate it. I'll talk to him about the immediate surroundings, "look, a bird!" but I've had to cultivate other people to have adult conversation with.

mrahope

Oh my goodness, Katielu, I could have written the exact thing you did. My husband often asks for "just a few minutes of your time". I get so frustrated because no matter what I do to try and help/arrange things for him he never seems to feel like he got enough, and never quits complaining/blaming others for so many things. For instance, he's having some dental work done and has repeatedly blamed the hygienist for altering his denture, even though he had to have a tooth extracted and that was the actual cause. Makes me feel a bit hopeless, too, because I try so hard and peace is still in short supply.

JC5, I completely get why you don't feel like talking with your DH. I sometimes feel like all he does is complain or get angry, or both. He used to teach (university) and also has a habit of "lecturing" on whatever subject he's decided is important at that moment. It no longer feels like a give-and-take. About the only thing that sometimes helps me is picking up my knitting, which makes the "spinning my wheels and getting nowhere" feeling a little less intense.

The lack of adult conversation contributed to my decision to move to where my DS and DDIL live. Even texting with them helps.

Jeanne C.

One of the hardest things to do is to meet him where he is. I answer the same questions again and again. I take his hand because I've seen that the physical connection can help him focus. I redirect when I need to. But I always answer because I cannot imagine how hard it is for him.

I've found two things that help. First, I remind myself that it's not on purpose and that it's the disease. Second, I try to forgive myself when I'm not patient.

Ed1937

You nailed it, Jeanne.

Whyzit

What an important topic! Thank you for bringing it up. I deal with this daily. I have never been one to participate in idle chatter and oh how I wish I had that skill now because really there is nothing to talk about. I long for meaningful conversations.

SDianeL

JC5, we all go through this with this terrible disease. Your DH has no concept of time and no short term memory of what happened before. He is also confused and afraid and when they get anxious they ask the same questions over and over in an attempt to make sense of their world. As others said, meet him where HE is, not where you are. I try to talk to my DH about things that he still has in his long term memory. Places we traveled or his buddies he served with in the miliary. Maybe look at old pictures. He likes to watch old westerns so we talk about that as it's on TV. I don't ask him any questions. I repeat things as often as he asks. I miss talking to him about the kids, grandkids & great grandkids and talking about current events. But sadly that is not an option anymore. At first I was not patient with him but as I learned more about this terrible disease I now fully understand that our communication will never be the same. I realized, with the help of this group, that as he progresses into the final stages that I will look back and wish that he could still ask me questions and if he could, that I would answer every single time he asked. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" if you haven't already. It helped me a lot.

Katielu

Thank you all, so much.

it does help to know I am not the only one, and I am not crazy. It all feels a little crazy.

Iris L.

I agree with all of the above. It's important to stop asking questions, because they can't answer them. Be aware that PWDs lose the ability to initiate anything, so they cannot entertain themselves.

Iris

ImMaggieMae

Jeanne said it perfectly. My husband is somewhere in late stage 6 and he rarely talks other than a short answer if I ask him a question. And it is almost always in a whisper. I long for the days when he talked more. I long to hear his real voice.

JC5

Thank you all for your responses! Yes it does help to know others are dealing with the same issues and feelings.. I have to work on totally accepting he has dementia and work on my patience! Thank you

White Crane

I can't have a normal conversation with my DH anymore...haven't been able to in a long time. Since I am by nature a quiet person, sometimes I just can't think of anything to say to him. When he asks the same question over and over I try to stay patient and answer him. At some point though I need a break. I hope you can find some help in what others have said. For me, getting out a photo album from a trip we took can keep him interested for quite awhile. Looking at nature is calming and he comments on the big trees in our yard...over and over again. This, for him, is making conversation.

Kibbee

I am grateful that DH is happily entertained by watching TV and movies, because meaningful conversations have become less and less a part of our interaction. Our conversations are mostly about his caregiving needs and consist of me saying things like - "Do you want pancakes or oatmeal for breakfast? and him asking me ... "More cookies/grapes please.". He has no interest in current affairs and doesn't watch the news (possibly a blessing!), can't socialize in a group any more and is becoming marginal with one-on-one socializing. Football season has started but he has not asked to watch his favorite team's games, which is good since I cancelled our cable package 6 months ago. Sometimes I'll talk to him about things that are going on in my life. He is polite and makes a good show of listening but doesn't really participate in any give and take. It's been so long since I've had a fully functioning partner that I cannot even imagine what that is like! I watch my friends have simple conversations with their spouses - making plans, discussing how to get something done - and I quietly wonder to myself if they know how lucky they are.

Quilting brings calm

I understand completely. I’ve quit trying to engage my parents in meaningful conversations - I just listen as they ramble on and I answer the same question repeatedly.

Drapper

I recently joined Dr Natali/ Careblazers’s program. One of the areas her program focuses on is improving your relationship with your LO, which makes your own life easier and helps you refocus your resentment and anger into compassion. ( which could lead to his behaviors changing ) I highly recommend her program. Or listening to her utubes. One of the things she suggests is writing down 3 things a day that your LO does that is good. Catch him doing something right, versus all the things you notice that go wrong. It helps change your thinking and focus.

Howaboutnow

JC5, i haven’t overcome it. It’s a conscious effort for me to make comments or tell a short tale about something that happened. I have to filter everything i decide to voice: will it confuse him, will it worry him, will he fixate on it, will i need to repeat things ad nauseum till i wish I’d been quiet? Not a lot makes the cut.

michiganpat

Oh my gosh! I see conversations with my husband in so many of these comments. I get so frustrated. He talks, talks, talks all the time but most of it is repeated stories or complaining about something. I have relaxing music in the background and try to concentrate on that. Howaboutnow, I also filter what I say to him. You stated why perfectly. It helps to know I am not alone.

Denise1847

Hi JC5, I think your feelings are part of the rite of passage in coping with this disease as a caregiver. I have experienced all that you have described.

For me, this experience has given me insight into my lack of patience and my self-focus. I always thought I was patient and compassionate etc. Not until I was confronted with my DH's ALZ did I see that I lacked these abilities. I am a Christian and have pleaded with God for healing and help with my inadequacies as a caregiver. Slowly, I am finding that I am not angry at my DH or the situation, I have stopped seeing everyone else's lives as "normal" as opposed to my life, and I have accepted the reality of our paths to walk with my DH as he becomes someone I used to know. I still routinely revert back to self-focus, self pity and frustration, but these bouts are less.

I share my experience with you for two reasons: (1) to tell you that you are normal and not a bad person. Just as you are caring for your DH, take care of yourself and use this horrible situation as a means for self-discovery and growth; (2) Please consider praying for help in your journey. We are not able to overcome these instincts of self-focus by ourselves. God never promised a life of smooth sailing, but he does promise that he will not leave us if we call on him. Even though I am still struggling, I know I can talk to Him anytime and somehow, I gain clarity and a sense of peace. You have nothing to lose.

M5M

Even though DH is probably “just” in stage 2, he is also so limited in what he can do, he has macular degeneration, neuropathy also, etc.he can’t use the TV remote nor read anything . I am finding if I sit with him intermittently throughout the day even just a few minutes, but focused on him, it boosts his sense of peace. I make sure to let him know what I need to get done before I get up. I also try to take him somewhere, grocery or a coffee nearly every day since he doesn’t drive. Part of his current situation is boredom and I think that grows depression. Ugh! This is so confining.

Carmen M

Gosh I understand your situation. I talk to my loved one but he doesn't respond. I sometimes feel like I am talking to myself. But I still continue to talk to him or talk to the room and hopefully get some response. Good luck

rocko

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/183731#Comment_183731

Amen Denise!