Can I just leave?

teresa123

My DH was diagnosed in June and rapidly getting worse. He lost his job, which I knew was coming. He can’t complete paperwork for for the drs office or unemployment but gets very angry when I try and help. I go to work and never one w how he will be when I return. I’m scared a lot. The thought of moving out gives me such guilt. I’m thinking I just didn’t my love him enough to go thru this. I do so much now with appointments and navigating insurance since he lost his job. He does not understand how he is now.

SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. I would contact his doctor and ask for medication for him if he's angry or agitated which is common in dementia patients. It's not him, it's the disease that's causing his anger & agitation. If you are afraid, call 911 and have him taken to the ER and explain that he has dementia so they will evaluate him properly. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" which helped me a lot. I would speak to an attorney about leaving as it may depend on the law in each state. Do you have a DPOA? If not, speak to an elder care attorney & get one so you can make decisions on his behalf. This video explains them not knowing they have a disease: https://youtu.be/wd-8cm2vBVc

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Jo C.

Hello Teresa; I am so sorry for both you and your husband for what is happening. There is a lot of frustration, fear and especially stress with what is happening for the both of you. This is not time for a "do it yourself" sort of dynamic. At this point, it would be safest to have the professionals assist. You may want to make an appointment with a CELA, "Certified Elder Law Attorney," by yourself first so you get complete personal information without upsetting your husband. Then you can take it from there moving forward. If there is no Certified ELA in your area, be sure to use an Elder Law Attorney as you need someone with that specific knowledge which also encompasses when dementia is part of the issue. I personally would do that first before seeing someone re divorce so I would understand far more about all the dynamics as they would affect both of you.

Unfortunately; the paperwork your husband needs assistance with, you will probably have to take the high road and "pamper" the dynamics kindly and lovingly to gain his cooperation even if you do not truly feel it. Sometimes we have to even use fiblets to gain cooperation and get things done. I know this is a lot, but the paperwork has an end point.

If your husband is resistant to seeing an attorney for the necessary legal paperwork to protect both of you; perhaps if you lovingly and softly told him you are making an appointment for getting your "estate planning" done, he will be more apt to cooperate. "Let's get the estate planning done so it is up to date and then let's go out to dinner at . . . " whatever place he has enjoyed. The "Estate Planning": will be something to get resolved moving forward. Do you have a Trust? Do you have Durable Powers of Attorney? If not; to use the term, "Power" of attorney would probably be a disaster for your husband to hear, so I would not use that term. If one does a Trust, those DPOAs are usually part of the package an attorney puts together. One does not have to do a Trust; but the other paperwork is necessary for the future. Most Elder Law Attorneys will be sensitive to the dementia issue if you explain it. You can contact several to find out which may be the best fit and approach for your purposes.

As for how to apply for benefits now that he has been "laid off," this is also an important issue for long term protection; you may want to consult the attorney about this and also about applying for Medicare BOTH Part A and Part B - and if no pharmacy coverage, Part D. There are also "Advantage" Plans which are an HMO type product but covers everything and is usually cost effective. Some plans have no fee for their Members; it takes some screening and an Elder Law Attorney can assist in explaining the differences if you may not be aware of them. If you have health insurance for him at your work, if you plan to leave him then that will be a significant issue for his care and he will need assistance in obtaining ongoing coverage for him going forward. He will also need someone to be his advocate who can take care of both his financial management and his healthcare if you are not there.

As for leaving; of course that can be done if that is what you feel is necessary for yourself. There is no easy way to get this all put together for your husband's issues no matter if you leave or stay. Even if he were the most calm and cooperative person, it takes time and effort to get all the ducks in a row and it can feel like an overwhelming negative until all begins to come together and then one can be grateful for the time spent as the bits and pieces are set into place to make things easier to manage.

Important Question: Does your husband have a Dementia Specialist? That would be key to managing what is happening with him. A good Neurologist who sees dementia patients as a routine part of his/her practice, or a good Geriatric Psychiatrist would be good choices. In such a practice, the patient would have a diagnosis for type of dementia, (there are multiple different kinds with different med needs), and would also have a professional expert re medication which would help with the behaviors as they exist. Our Primary Care MDs are awesome at so much; but they are not on the cutting edge of dementia. The specialist to manage the dementia issues and meds are key to best outcomes.

As with any eventual fatal disease, there are so many feelings; most of it we wish we could change back or walk away from; but no matter which path we choose, there will be a host of matters to be adjusted and arranged for.

I learned the hard way and it helped when I finally "got it." Imagine if we are overwhelmed, upset, feel out of control and put upon, how it must feel for our Loved Ones (LOs) who have dementia. They have all those problem issues and more with a brain that is "broken," their ability to use logic, reasoning and judgment and manage everything in their lives as completely as they used to be able to do is already affected early in the disease process. This induces much frustration, free floating anger; fear, unsettledness, anxiety, etc., and with the disease, no way to control it without assistance from someone else. They FEEL and it is very uncomfortable for them. To be fired from a job because one could not perform adequately; that too can cause much emotional upheaval. I am so sorry that all of this is presently up in the air; but a degree of control can be regained in some of this.

To begin to put things together; it would be best to get to the professional assistance as mentioned from both the business side of life and a specialist for dementia, but also it may be helpful if you have not done so, to see a counselor for yourself to help work through the issues and stressors you are dealing with. This huge change and shift in your life is huge and every little bit of help can mean a lot.

Please to let us know how you are and what is happening; we certainly do understand what you are saying and we are all here in support of one another - we truly do care.

J.