The Driving Thing

HangingIn

Last week we saw the neurologist, who gave DH another cognitive test. DH did more poorly than he did last month and the neurologist gave us pretty much the same diagnosis as the primary care physician—an Alzheimer’s type of dementia. And also told us DH will need to quit driving. At the time, DH seemed to accept this decision, but over the past few days I started to feel that he was becoming increasingly angry about it.

I like this neurologist a lot. He clearly knows his field, explains things in a way that I can easily understand without being condescending, and seems kind and compassionate. I know he didn’t want to give us this news any more than we wanted to hear it. And DH liked him, too, until this. Today, among other things, he asked me why suddenly he’s been told it’s dangerous for him to drive and when did it become so.

We were both crying by this point (it was a pretty long conversation) and I have no idea if what I told him is accurate, but it made a certain kind of sense to me. I said it was entirely possible that it’s been unsafe for him to drive for quite a while, but that I hadn’t paid close enough attention to his symptoms until I couldn’t ignore them any more. That was only this past June, although I had started seeing some significant changes as long as eighteen months ago. It was only in June that I couldn’t deny those changes any longer and made appointments with his doctors, and so only then that the doctors had become aware of the extent of his cognitive decline. I told DH that his anger and upset were perfectly normal and understandable, but that if he was going to be angry, maybe his anger should also be directed at me because I wasn’t sufficiently on top of things. He said no, that he couldn’t be angry with me.

We talked a long time. How much of our discussion he’ll remember I don’t know, but he seemed to understand what I was saying and told me he is going to let go of his anger. We’ve been happy together for nearly 48 years, and we agreed to try to make the best of the crummy hand we’ve been dealt.

Jo

gampiano

Hi Jo,

The driving thing is one of the most difficult to enforce, and I'm glad that you and your spouse had that kind conversation. Every case is different , but from my experience I would tell you to get a hold of all the car keys asap, and hide any spares. My DH hasn't driven in 3 years, seems to accept the fact that I am the chauffeur, but still asks for the car keys, and last night told me that he was going to "peel out of here" with the car. I also keep the cars locked at all times, as he went into the glove compartment and "stole" the registration.

Best,

Maureen

mrahope

Yes, indeed. Glad you were able to have this conversation with your DH. But from my experience, no matter who tells them or what they understand in a given moment, the issue will resurface. It's been about 8 or 9 months and my DH still chafes and is angry that he can't drive. If the keys are where he can get them, he will try. Sadly, I've had to give one car to my DS and his family and had to give DS the extra keys to the remaining car as well. And as for my keys, I had had to resort to literally sleeping with them under my pillow and hiding them at other times. I just hate that I can no longer trust him, but know he's not doing it on purpose.

Davegrant

Jo,

My DW received the same diagnosis six years ago, dementia of the Alzheimer's type. Her PP said to blame her for the loss of driving privileges, and I did. This was the first of many decisions that I learned accept help from others. My DW was very angry for over a year and even today when she gets an auto insurance request in the mail the anger returns. In our case my wife's progression of the disease has been slow but steady over the time period. I assumed the job of chauffer and at this point all the responsibilities and duties of maintaining a household. I joined local support groups and this web site to learn about the disease and to gain the emotional support I need to assist me in the management of this disease. I have learned that this disease is progressive, so I am always preparing for a future (that I hope never comes), so that I am prepared. I remember the loss of my wife's driving vividly because it was the first and her response was so intense.

Dave

upstateAnn

My husband happily gave up driving because it did not feel right. Most like.y, he was experiencing the visual perception problems caused by dementia. If you feel you might bend, I will let you know about my Dad. He persisted in driving. It stopped when he totaled three cars in a parking lot. Thank goodness they were vacant of pseengers.