Question on Shadowing

LJCHR

I have noticed the last week or so that if I say I’m going anywhere, i.e. Mailbox, take a walk, store, etc. my husband quickly says he’s going with me. We have always gone to the store together, but the others are new. This is not typical for him.

I was hospitalized for a pulmonary embolism late July and have been to emergency twice and admitted to the hospital a second time since then.

I’m not sure if that may be the reason and he was scared - or if it is the beginning of shadowing. He also has started constantly asking me what I’m doing - if I’m cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc. “What are you doing?”

We are 2 plus years into this journey since diagnosis.

I would appreciate any help you can give me.

Denise1847

Good Morning,

My DH has been shadowing me everywhere for some time. When I see that he gets confused as to where simple things are in the kitchen, forgets after a minute as to what he where he was going and why, I get that he is scared and doesn't want to be left alone.

I have struggled for awhile with feeling smothered, but I am trying to pull out of my automatic Lense of how his behavior is troubling me to how can I help him with this fear he has. It is a difficult road.

Ernie123

I remember years ago when my wife, who is now in care, shadowed me constantly and would be anxious if I were out of sight. At the time I learned it is because as their cognitive functioning declines they can’t quite recall what is happening, or where they are and this creates a feeling of chronic anxiety. A spouse represents security and much like a toddler clamps onto mom when afraid they want to be right with you. Eventually the doctor prescribed Escitalopram, an anti anxiety medication, which helped my DW calm down.

if I had to go somewhere on my own, I would leave my DW with my sister whom she still recognized and who offered a sense of security.

Related to the shadowing phenomenon is the constant wish “ to go home”. A childhood home represents a place of safety and security. If your spouse is feeling anxious because Alzheimer’s has made the world confusing and scary, “going home” means going to a place where those uncomfortable feelings will disappear. Even though we had lived in the same house for fifty years my DW would get very upset and say she wanted to go home to be with her parents who were of course long dead.

Ed1937

I'm sorry to hear of your own health concerns. Is your husband still in the very early stages of dementia? If so, the root of him wanting to go everywhere with you could be that he is concerned for you. If he is further down the road, it might be shadowing. When they reach a certain point in progression, you will become their rock, and it's very much like Ernie says - the child holding onto the mother's hand for fear of losing the security they have.

LJCHR

Thank you all for your feedback. I believe my husband is in early middle stage and he is very dependent on me as I am his security. I spent 4 days with my granddaughter in mid-June and our daughter stayed with my husband. She said he kept talking about me, wondering what I was doing and missed me very much. She said then that his security was gone.

I joined this forum in March and have followed each day. All of the feedback/information has been so helpful. Thank you all for your help.

ghphotog

Yes, shadowing is a thing. My DW has been shadowing me for a couple of years. I can never get out of her sight and "anywhere" I go she is right there shoulder to shoulder. At first it was somewhat annoying but you get used to it I guess. If I'm out of her sight for more than a few seconds or minutes she starts crying, sobbing and searching the house calling my name. I have to take her to the ER with me if I need to take my mom, etc. Fortunately I've remained fairly healthy and haven't had to go myself for the last few years.