The truth is I was going to leave my husband before the diagnosis...

LauraCD

We have been married for 30 years, the last ten of which have been horrible and the last two of which were untenable. Then he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and of course I could not leave. Morally and ethically I just cannot see myself doing that. However, he is in the early stages, still has the capacity to understand a great many things but, he continues to treat me poorly. He is emotionally abusive. How do I tolerate that now? How do I set those boundaries now? To top it all off I was recently diagnosed with cancer. I am a 70 year old woman who would rather be alone. I am frightened, I am angry, I am confused, I am lost, I am stuck.

Sorry about the ramble. Just reaching out for any help, guidance, anything.

Caro_Lynne

Laura, that is a difficult situation, however, I would not stay out of a sense of obligation. I know easier said than done. I think you need to think of yourself and you may grow to resent him for staying.

I'll tell you what a friend of mine did. She was living with her ex-husband, he had a stroke and mild cognitive decline. Before it progressed further, she found an AL facility for him, she got her affairs in order and moved to north Florida to be near her son. It wasn't easy for her but she did not want to feel obligated to care him.

Things will only get more challenging and he will need more care as the disease progresses. It is a long and difficult road. I pray you can find guidance and make the right decision for the both of you.

Ernie123

I would suggest, if you haven’t already, attend to legal matters. Have wills updated and Powers of Attorney for finances and health care. If you choose to stay, you would be named as the primary in the POA’s. But have a trusted individual or institution named as secondary in case you choose to leave or in the eventuality your husband survives you. No matter what happens, it is important to have these matters sorted out. Good legal counsel could help you.

On the personal side of your situation unfortunately personality changes, anger and delusions are often part of this disease. It puts a strain on the best of marriages, often overwhelming caregivers. Has your husband been diagnosed? There are medications that can defuse those emotions. An assessment by a Geriatric psychiatrist familiar with dementia could help manage his behavior. My DW of over fifty years became violent and abusive with me, eventually prompting her placement in memory care a few years ago. Medications gave her back some peace and calmness after some trial and error with types and dosages.

I hope you can find the support you need. It is difficult, maybe impossible, to deal with this on your own. Do not hesitate to reach and seek professional help. And keep us informed on this forum. Members here truly get what you are experiencing and will offer what support they can.j

ladyzetta

Dear Laura.

I hate to say this but it's only going to get worse. You will not be a banding him you will be making sure he gets the best of care. Get all your legal matters taken care of as, Ernie suggested.

You being, 70 years old and not being in good health you need to take care of yourself. My DH was easy to care for, but it got to the point where the care he needed was more than I could provide. I placed him and he got all the good care he needed. It sounds like this is something you might want to check into.

I suggest you go talk to a professional and get some legal counsel. Don't allow yourself to be stuck. Please stay with us you will learn a lot.

Hugs Zetta

ThisLife

Hi Laura,

So sorry you have a need to be here, but glad you have found our valuable forum. I do hear you saying that leaving was seriously being considered before dementia came up.

I stayed. Many regrets. Wished I had done the divorce. FWIW, my H provided but was fired from every job except the USAF. He did not show up through several hospitalizations, other family did. For me personally, I felt no obligation to do this task except that it would fall on my son. Having been a care giver for three parents, I wanted to spare him that. There is another whole story to that decision.

SDianeL

My DH's behavior started changing about 8 years ago. He wasn't diagnosed until 2 years ago. I looked back at a CT scan from 2015 and he had white matter disease then. Now, looking back I can see when and now I understand why he changed. The last 3 years have been awful but I now know it's the disease, not the person. The Neurologist put him on Risperidone 1/2 tab 2x daily and it does help him sleep but hasn't helped the anger & agitation. He is now Stage 5-6 and is also depressed. The Geriatric Psychiatrist is putting him on an anti-depressant. Hope it helps. Having said that, if I didn't want to stay I wouldn't. I know my DH would do the same for me and stay. That I have no doubts. One other consideration. My step daughter was an alcoholic and her husband talked to an attorney about divorcing her. The attorney told him that he could divorce her but would still be responsible for her care and he would lose everything. I guess divorce laws are different. So I would definitely speak to an attorney before you make any decisions.

harshedbuzz

My mother was in a similar boat.

Her marriage to my dad had gone through some periods when things weren't great, the latest of which was right before he was diagnosed. She almost left him on several occasions but always had an excuse for why she didn't. He was a bully and serial adulterer.

When I took her to the CELA to get her POAs done, we had the discussion about divorce. We talked about the process, about the financial hit she would take in the distribution of their assets and loss of control with me as his guardian.

She was uncomfortable ceding control of dad's care to me; I don't know that she trusted me as dad and I never enjoyed an easy relationship. In the end, she gambled that he might not last that long and she would maintain their joint assets and it paid off.

HB

Iris L.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/66504/the-truth-is-i-was-going-to-leave-my-husband-before-the-diagnosis

People with Alzheimer's do not understand many things. That's why they have dementia. That's why they have poor judgement and act strangely. IMO, family members spend too much time trying to rationalize and reason with their PWDs, thinking that they understand family discussions and then will follow through on whatever conclusion was reached. Even if they nod and seem to understand in a shallow level, they will quickly forget. I can say this with surety because I have been in this situation. But I don't have Alzheimer's so I know when I don't understand or when I forget. I think people will be more satisfied if they prioritize getting their lives under control as soon as possible.

Iris

CStrope

I also thought seriously about divorcing my husband before his diagnosis. I spent at least 3 years living in a version of hell where there were constant arguments and I was constantly being put down. He was then diagnosed with Alzheimer's, which we now know is actually Frontal Temporal Dementia.

Though the FTD diagnosis explains why he was being such a jerk, it doesn't erase all the horrible feelings I have about those years before diagnosis. It has now been 3 years since his first diagnosis. Caregiving is a very difficult path to take, but I never saw any other option. I think the resentment that was built up by his horrible treatment of me during those pre-diagnosis years have made my ability to empathize with him more difficult.

Despondent

Dear CStrope, You are living my nightmare or maybe I should say my reality. We were married 40 years ago just last week. Ah, hindsight. I was going to leave when I was younger and couldn't take the emotional and verbal abuse. My DH has always been very mild-mannered in front of others but living with him was a totally different story. I am a person of childhood trauma. When my husband and I were dating, he was kind to me but I only saw how well he treated others. I didn't realize the change that would come after we married. My family adored him. I kept justifying a reason for staying but then the time came when I did not have the financial freedom to leave. His son stole big time from our business. My husband and I fought about this. I had no say because it was "his" son and his family's business which he bought. His lawyer protected him. Everyone believed me to be the Golddiger. I am now 71. I have no personal family. We moved to another state after the business was sold. Not working and being older makes it harder to make new friends. I have always been a loner but now more than ever. I have so much work to do. He insisted on buying a house. He brought lots and lots of tools with him. Everything is disorganized. I seem to work non-stop trying to get ahead of the mess, hoping to move. We have no savings left. I can't afford to hire someone to help me with the chores. DH is no help. I keep my cool, until I can't, then it is my fault. But everything has always been my fault. The trauma haunts me, always has. I did not know about this problem until maybe 3 years ago. I had been in therapy for years which was a total waste. Now I am too tired to seek assistance and don't know that it would help. I would love a good, dependable friend. Someone I don't have to pay to talk to. I just realized, I turned you into my verbal dumping ground. I am sorry for that. I just want to say, I understand the resentment. Be well, my friend!

LauraCD

To Everyone that has Responded,

Thank you so much for extending and sharing your thoughts, experiences, observations, and advice. I was really feeling overwhelmed and alone. Hence, just putting out the frustrated and frightened ramble. Funny, at this point in my life the one good thing I've learned (after years of therapy) is to simply ask for help. Your responses here have reaffirmed my feeling that the human connection is so powerful and can be so supportive. I feel for all of you and your situations and see that I am really among a wonderful group of people going through some of the similar challenges I am. I don't know what I will ultimately do but I do know now I am not the only one. Again, thank you and I wish you each well with your trying times. Hopefully I will acquire some bits of wisdom from my own experiences that I can someday impart to others.