One hell of a roller-coaster.

Anna2022

DH has been diagnosed (?) with Mild Cognitive Impairment and we are working on further testing to see what might be in the mix. He has anosognosia.

Today, my DH and I discovered that yesterday he had charged $$$$s of dollars on his credit card for camera equipment. I say "we discovered this today" because DH has no memory of this purchase. He also has no memory of having already paid off the credit card, having done so almost simultaneously with the purchase. He has one separate bank account and one credit card that I have access to and monitor (but apparently I'm not monitoring closely enough). All other accounts, investments, income and money matters have already been moved to/under my sole control.

I scrambled to contact the store and the clerk was so very kind to work fast to catch the shipment before it was mailed out and to process a refund the credit card. Many thanks also to the credit card company employee who is transferring the payment back into DH bank account. He was patient and after the conversations he and DH and I had, probably twigged to the fact that DH was "special."

What is done can sometimes be undone. But that only tells part of the story.

I was outwardly calm thru this all, knowing what you have told me - that my emotional state will be mirrored by DH. Inside, my heart was breaking. DH was agitated/almost frantic to know who had done this and what had happened, but has eventually calmed down.

Later and gently, I raised the subject about some systems to put in place that will help avoid this in the future. He is too independent right now to take away his bank account and his credit card - he says he won't allow that to happen. But I/we decided to put some credit limits on the accounts, added alerts, and other mechanisms to help avoid this again and to help me monitor. Also, I asked to hold his credit cards until he needs them - he has refused. He is not willing to give up his computer access either. At least not today. Some of you will say that what I've done is not enough. I fear that might be true, but this is what I can do today.

FWIW, I know that I will soon be quietly taking more things away. It makes my heart hurt.

Tonight DH is still asking questions about what happened and he is still distraught that it has happened at all - it makes no sense to him that he did it - "It must have been someone else!"

I know something like this will happen again or, as we know, something totally out of the blue will arrive soon enough. I know I can't control the uncontrollable but I really want to try.

This is one hell of a roller-coaster.

gampiano

Hello Anna,

My heart goes out to you both. Yes , this is a roller coaster, and you will have to monitor things which is exhausting and stressful. Keep posting and reading this forum, it has been a life line for many of us.

Sending strength,

Maureen

SDianeL

so sorry you are going through this. I'm in the same place. My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago and is Stage 5-6. I did get him to clean out his wallet and give me his ATM & Credit Cards. He recently tried to go outside at 3am to use the bathroom. He was almost sleep walking and got very angry when I tried to get him to stop. So I bought locks for the inside of the door but I know when I put them on he will pitch a fit. He's sometimes cognizant and other times especially at night not aware of his surroundings at all and gets "lost" - his words in our 840 square foot apartment. He doesn't use a computer thank goodness and can no longer use the cell phone. He is accusing me of doing things though. I have groceries delivered now and he yells every time that I'm spending too much money. Every. single. time. He told my daughter that I gave my step-dad $9000 for his birthday. Such a roller coaster of stress & emotions. I understand how you feel. I hid the car keys so he can't find them. He doesn't drive but wants to go check on the car by himself at 10:00 at night and doesn't know how to lock it. So I either have to go with him or hide the keys and let him pitch his fit. I don't think we should be in a parking lot at 10pm at night. One vehicle was broken into in the parking lot recently. You may have to just get the cards and hide them or cancel them and pretend not to know what happened.

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Pat6177

Regardless of what you do with the current credit card, freeze his credit at the 3 big credit houses so he can’t go and sign up for a new credit card. You wouldn’t want him to respond to a credit card ad or in-store offer.

M1

Anna i empathize completely. Unfortunately I also remember those early days of still soliciting agreement and acquiescence from my partner. But as Victoria has rightly said, it is not going to happen, and the sooner you move yourself past that, the better off you are going to be. It's so hard to transition from equal partnership to unequal caregiver, but that is what is necessary. I finally just had to remove my partner's credit cards from her wallet and told her she had lost them. You may have to do something similar and change the wifi password to limit his computer access. Sounds like you already know this, and yes, it's very hard. If he physically went to a camera store by himself, his days of independent shopping and driving are then also over.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/183823#Comment_183823

Thanks, Victoria. Hard to hear/read, but you speak the truth. Thank you.

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/183826#Comment_183826

You are so very right. I am still trying to involve DH in some discussions and decisions. Many decisions are made without him. Many days he is fine, and some days he has these glitches. We are on the cusp of this new paradigm and the tipping point is almost in reach. Your comments are so very helpful.

JeriLynn66

When guilt and sorrow attack, I repeat to myself what everyone here says “Safety drives the decision “….

God bless and keep ❤️

Jeff86

So sorry, Anna, you are confronted with the need to take complete control of the household finances and, in the process, ‘infantilize’ your DH. His partial awareness makes it that much harder.

I like the roller coaster analogy, with this addition…you can’t get off, and it doesn’t end after two or three minutes! So you have to steel yourself for those stomach-dropping descents and seemingly impossible curves.

We are riding the roller coaster with you.

harshedbuzz

@Anna2022

I am so sorry for all that is happening in your life.

This doesn't sound like MCI to my ear. Your post count is 69 which suggests you've been active here for some time. Could it be your DH was given a working diagnosis of MCI by a PCP who wasn't comfortable giving a more dire dementia diagnosis? Was your husband showtiming at the appointment? How long has it been since that initial diagnosis? Have you had trouble scheduling further testing or has your DH been resistant?

You were very fortunate to have this transaction reversed. It was a warning shot over your bow. Going forward, you are the captain of the ship and all that transpires will be your responsibility/fault.

We had a similar situation. My mom was in serious denial that dad was as impaired as he was and didn't have the backbone to take the necessary steps to get a firm diagnosis or to restrict his access to their investments. Long story short, he day traded away $360K. We did not get a do-over. That money, which would have been helpful in paying for his care is gone forever. Part of that money was left to him on an informal basis "in trust" by my late sister for her children. They have student debt instead. His brother would talk about smart moves he'd made and then dad would jump in 6 weeks later or he'd pick the wrong thing entirely. I cautioned mom at the time to get him off the computer; he was calling me with crazy demands including the one that I should "call the Google and get his password for him". Mom demurred and paid the price.

The other piece to this is that if you have a legal document to act on his behalf-- which you absolutely need going forward-- you have a legal obligation to prevent him from making decisions that could potentially harm him financially. I would lock down your credit today. BTW, if you don't have POAs, you should see a CELA asap to draw them up. You'll need someone other than DH to act for you and a secondary agent to take over his decision-making is you pass first. Best to not tell him that; sometimes lawyers will write 2 POAs for you and then destroy the one naming DH as soon as you leave.

If you can afford the losses on the limits of his one bank account and credit card, assuming they are not linked to any of the other accounts, then you could let this ride in the interest of domestic harmony. But if you can't, then you don't have the luxury.

I get that this is hard stuff. Perhaps I am projecting because I can hear my mom's voice in your post. The balance of power in their relationship made the transition to caregiving hard-- dad was very resistant, and mom paid a price for every single thing she had to do to right ship. It was a difficult time at the point where dad was in early mid-stages and with-it enough at times to be aware and very unpleasant. What worked best, was not including him in discussions about how things were going to be from now on. What worked best was making most changes behind his back and then using "fiblets" to justify the change.

HB

Denise1847

I removed the credit card and bank card from my DH's wallet a year or so ago. He wouldn't know how to use it. Think about this as protection for both your DH and you. You have to take control but do it in a way that is supportive and kind. He will forget and move on. Also watch out for appliances in the home. My DH was opening the dishwasher while it was running and putting dirty dishes in it and the cabinets. It is a small thing but could result in a repair bill. Also, the washing machine, which he opened several times in the middle of the cycle. I put signs on these appliances now when they are running and it works. You have to do damage control on everything, especially your finances.

You will become more comfortable with taking charge in a subtle way and your will get through this one day at a time.

White Crane

Hi, Anna, others have offered some very sound advice. I cut up all of DH credit cards and his debit card several years ago. His name is still on our bank and checking accounts but he has no access to them. I did leave a little money in his wallet so he can look in there and know he still has some money if he wants to buy something. He hasn't made a purchase on his own in several years.

Iris L.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/183832#Comment_183832

I have to preface what I am about to say by saying this is not a personal criticism of Jeff, but a different perspective. It is not "infantilizing" PWDs to compensate for their illness and enable them to be safe. Instead, it is a loving step to take to care for them and keep them safe and enable them to live with dignity. It will be worse to be financially wiped out or to have any number of preventable accidents.

Also, don't let them leave the house with their clothing in disarray--it does not look cute. They need to look decent in public.

Iris

Jeff86

No offense taken Iris and I know none intended. I put infantilized in quotes exactly for the reason you suggest. It may seem like infantilizing a person who still has some cognitive abilities but stepping in to avert danger or harm is the right and necessary thing to do.

toolbeltexpert

Anna I know how hard it is to do all the things that need to be done and somehow they prepare us for the next stage the next decision. I found that once I had froze the credit and found workarounds for all the financial stuff I had a great peace. Covid became my fall guy. No more going to the bank ect.

You are a great caregiver and you can do this.

Stewart

Anna2022

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/184153#Comment_184153

@toolbeltexpert and @Pat6177 Can I freeze his credit without him knowing? I know how to do it, I've frozen my own.

toolbeltexpert

Yes he will never know. Make sure you get any email updates sent to your email.

Well I should add, does he have an existing account with the three credit agencies?

If he did you might have to make sure you change the email and don't forget to check his email before he gets a notification showing any changes.