My dad ……please get me out of here……what do I say?

bjohnsen3869

i moved my dad to AL 2 months ago has been doing ok…..ups and downs but was adjusting then when I was out of town for the weekend tried to escape and facility said he had to be moved to MC to stay………when I got back I was diagnosed with Covid so wasn’t with him in the move. Other family members helped but I’m his concrete. I’ve spoken to him over FaceTime but haven’t been able to see him. I have ring cameras in his room so I can hear when he asks everyone how he can get out of there, that he hates it, and I can see how defeated he looks. Other relatives who have visited says he constantly complains about being locked up, as he was used to the freedom of AL. I will finally be able to see him Sunday for the first time since in MC. I know he is going to beg me to take him home with me. My house and living with me is his happy place. He loved it, mostly because I only focused on him and did HIM stuff all day. Didn’t look at my phone, took him with me to everything, bathed him and tucked him in every night, etc. Nothing that I could sustain for several months………seems like that’s all he can remember is how great it was with me.

my question is….what do I say to him when he begs me to go with me and asks why he has to be there? He doesn’t believe me or anyone that tells him he has disease or anything else that might be wrong……he just says, no, I’m fine, I’m good.

Quilting brings calm

you tell him it’s for his safety as he wandered off from the AL and could do it from your home. You tell him you are having home repairs done etc. my parent’s doctor firmly told me that nothing I did was going to make them happy. That all I could do was try to keep them safe.

You deserve to live too. 1/3 of caregivers die before the person they are caring for due to stress and neglecting their own health. It’s ok to admit you can’t be the primary caregiver any more.

SusanB-dil

Whew! a lot to deal with between dad and covid...

Totally agree with QBC, that your house is being worked on - major water pipe or something... so this is for his safety for now. repeat as necessary.

He will not believe anything is wrong, because he doesn't see it that way. I think it is 70% have anosognosia - it is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong. This is what they see as reality. Do not argue, it will only get everyone agitated, so just gotta go with the flow.

bjohnsen3869

Thanks guys. I know you are right. I have such a hard time lying to his face over and over again. But I know I can’t look at it like that.

thank you. This really does help

MN Chickadee

A therapeutic fib is often the kindest thing we can do for our PWD. Find the right fib and repeat it ad nauseam. You'll see about getting him out when you are fully recovered from your illness but you still need to recuperate so he should stay here in the mean time. Or after your trip in a few weeks. Or after the repairs are done to your house. Or after the doctor clears him to go home. He has had two moves in a short time and needs time to adjust. Being discontented, frustrated, and asking to go home is extremely normal in the months after a move to MC. It's hard to watch but sometimes it's just the way it is. Sometimes they do that even when they ARE home. Happiness can be very elusive for them. The disease is so hard on everyone involved.

terei

Tell him anything he will accept. Repairs on your house, you got a full time job, you’d love to take him home, but the dr. insists he stay til he is ‘improved’…its all up to the dr. Whatever. I’d probably start with the doctor excuse. That may be all that’s necessary.

bjohnsen3869

Thank you so much. I went with the house repair thing when I initially moved him in but I’m a terrible inconsistent liar. Trying to figure out a lie so that when I’m chatting with my dad on our visits I don’t contradict.

realeastcoaster

You have received great advice, but I would also encourage you to stop thinking of it as lying. The words we use when thinking about ourselves and our actions do matter, as they affect us. Lie has a very negative connotation and will make you feel guilty, when really this is the best and kindest thing you can do for him.

I think of the excuses I use as “evasions”, not lies. Things I say to evade unnecessary distress and agitation for her. Maybe it sounds silly, but it does make a difference in how I feel about it. Just thought I’d mention it after your comment about “lying to his face”, as that hit home and was exactly how I used to feel about it too.

Emily 123

Hello--I agree with realeastcoaster.

Fiblets help build a place to live which helps the person with dementia make sense of their world at that moment, and that can help soothe them. Repetive questioning meets a need for reassurance, given the inability to retain information. Consistency over multiple conversations isn't necessarily key, since information won't be retained for long, but it can be easier for the caregiver to stick to one story--sometimes you just have to find the story that they accept.

The visits and conversations may be focusing him on the fact that he's in an unfamiliar place and he wants to return to the familiar, which is going to be hard to do. He cannot function in that place.

Two months and two major moves is going to be tremendously disorienting for him, and it sounds like he's having a lot of visits, even when you were out with covid, which will not help him build a routine. Recall that with no short term memory he's going to have to do something over and over again, see something over and over again, to build some cues about how his day goes. This can take several months in even the best cases where the person is able to settle in comfortably.

The visits he is having sound like they may include conversations that try to reason with him and force him into the visitor's reality, not something that makes sense to him. They could be triggering a negative emotional reaction and making it harder for him to adapt: ''He doesn’t believe me or anyone that tells him he has disease or anything else that might be wrong''. Don't try to explain to a brain that can't think rationally that it's sick. He doesn't see his limitations, he won't see them no matter how much you try to anchor him into the 'why' of him being there--he won't recall much of anything of the fairly recent past. In his mind he's fine, and the more you try to convince him he's the reason for the move, the more likely each interaction you have will create a negative emotion that he CAN retain and assosciate with you.

Think about your end goals here. Dad may need some uninterupted settling in time. If watching and analyzing his behaviors via remote cam are tearing you up, stop, or at least turn off the sound. Talk with the staff and director about how he is in the community in general, especially out in the common areas with other folks where you can't see him. Discuss with his provider if his meds need an adjustment while he settles in. Lot's of changes in both your lives, I know, but eyes on the prize, right? This is a marathon.

bjohnsen3869

Super super helpful, Emily.

Emily 123

Thank you :). Trust me, I am still soooo tempted to try to be truthful with my mom and explain things. It up to me to remember that even though I see a very verbal 94 year old, that raised me to tell her the truth, what I'm actually dealing with is someone who can handle information at the level of about a 4-8 year old, per the Tam Cummings scales. It's... 'talk to her in an adult tone, but give her the information for a kid.' I've found that praising her a lot gets a lot of mileage.

bjohnsen3869

Thank you

bjohnsen3869

Update…..

I went to visit. I had a friend take me. I don’t think my dad knew it was me he knew I was someone he knew but not me. He kept saying he was going to leave soon but acted like I wasn’t the one that could make that happen so he wasn’t super interested in my being there. I took that. Told him I loved him and that I wasn’t well and that I would be back when I could.

Emily 123

I'm sorry--that had to have been tough. Hang in there.

bjohnsen3869

Honestly, Emily, it was ok for today. I needed a non intense visit.

calmmorn

I am glad you are okay. I hope you are able to get some rest.