H Placement Up Date

ThisLife

I have posted about my H who is 10+ years into Alzheimer's and Stage 6. Lots of agitation, anger, frustration, etc. I was tired of walking on eggshells and making myself smaller and smaller so as not to trigger him. I wanted to place but my son has been very resistant, but also very minimal help even though he had wanted us to move across the country so he could help which we did. I was trying to get his buy in. Members here pointed out that it's not his money or decision. It was affecting my quality of life.

I placed H in memory care September 1st. The pretext was my going back home to work in person for a few weeks. I have done the last three semesters, so he is familiar with me going for work. I told him it would be for an extended time and gave no definitive return date. This was to give him time to get in the groove with the activities. It is not the same facility I used previously though he does not know that. This disease! I am on my work and friends visit. When I return, I will sit down with him and tell him that he will be staying for health and safety reasons. The doctor who visits the facility will be at this discussion to back me up. I know he will not be able to see his need to be there and will not be receptive to this turn of events. I know he would not have gone if he knew he would not be coming home.

More on my adjustment in another post. Thanks for listening.

Quilting brings calm

I would just keep repeating that you are working, even if you aren’t. No reason to rock the boat and get him upset until he absolutely stops believing that

ThisLife

Hi, Quilting brings calm,

I am using the I am working right now. We live on the East coast. My work is on the West coast which can be completely virtual. I would like to visit him weekly and bring the dogs. If I'm working, I'm not in town and can't visit. Just occurred to me as I'm typing. Maybe I'll make up a job I have locally. Hmmm

terei

I agree telling him ‘why’ he needs to be there is not a good idea. I would tell him I am working but cannot work from home, that you are out of the house … no reason to say any more IMO. Give any excuse that is not your fault and beyond your control.

harshedbuzz

@ThisLife

This is a great update. I remember your struggle with this decision.

I do feel like you're overthinking this. At Stage 6, he doesn't have the higher order thinking skills for a rational explanation with a physician backing you up. The kinder thing is always best and thinking he's there because of your work and not your choice is kinder.

That said, dad was similar in terms of behavior in stage 6. I didn't anticipate an easy adjustment to MC and he was edgy for a good 2 weeks, but about 4 weeks out he had an appointment with his urologist. I arranged medical transport because I was concerned about exit seeking. I offered to take him to lunch but he just wanted to "go home" and described his MCF.

HB

toolbeltexpert

Thislife you've been thru a bunch and stage 6 can seem like forever! I don't bring up what's going on and if my dw does the standard answers apply, the doctor just needs to check some blood work or your legs still swollen. But I always make a point of, it's only another day or two. I think that gives her hope that this isn't forever. We are over a year at mc but year 13 or so overall.

Good luck and let us know who it's going.

Stewart

ThisLife

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. You have given me a lot to think about. I believe I can go with the work excuse. I agree it will probably make it more palatable. He doesn't have a concept of time anymore, so if I show up on the weekend, he'll just think I'm back home.

I appreciate everyone on this forum and all of your help and input. Harshedbuzz, I'm frequently told I'm over thinking. 😂