Moving

gpaul

My husband has moderate Alzheimer's. He also has some physical issues, specifically back issues. So getting him in a car to drive any distance is not an option. I'm trying to get him to go back to his MD to get another epidural which helped the last time with his back but he is adamant that walking will take care of it. I wish to move near my son, who lives 500 miles away, because I am needing help and am ready to put our house up for sale. My husband says this is his house and he will not move.

I could just go through with listing the house as I have durable POA but when it sells, how do I get him to leave with me? And drive 8+ hours with a bad back that is aggravated with sitting. And I do not think he will have a good reaction after he realizes that the house is on the market. I am torn as to what to do.

SDianeL

Such a tough decision. I would do what is best so you can continue to care for him. Will he understand if you tell him that the alternative is a memory care facility and you don't want that? For the trip, would his PCP give him some pain medication to take just for the trip? Maybe rent a vehicle and put a bed in it so he doesn't have to sit? Please keep us posted. So sorry you are going through this.

Pat6177

First question - and I’m playing devil’s advocate here. Will you regret making the move if you find that you don’t get much help from your son? There have been some people on here that have made the move and found that the family didn’t have the time or inclination to help. Then you are left in a place where you don’t have friends and you are struggling with finding new doctors, new hairdresser, etc etc.

Another forum member recently moved and you can look for her posts about it. It was in the last few months. I think it was mrahope.

i have not moved and I’m not planning to so I’m not speaking from experience. Can you move to the new city and either have DS care for DH or put DH in a memory care for a couple of weeks while you go back and deal with the house? Just somehow keep DH out of the middle of the move. Tell him there’s termites and they’ve caused severe damage and you have to get out of the house while the house is treated for termites and the structural damage is repaired. Fiblets, fiblets, fiblets! Tell him DS needs help so you need to go there.

As for the 8 hr trip, medication sounds good as long as it doesn’t add to his confusion. Maybe break the trip into 2 days? Tho who knows how he’ll react to a hotel room. Is it possible to get DS to be with you and your DH when you make the move?

can you tell him that the dr’s office called to make a follow up appt for a third shot - saying people usually get 3 shots.

Im just throwing a bunch of ideas out there. Maybe something will stick! Good luck!

harshedbuzz

@gpaul

It's such a hard decision. And many factors play into this.

I moved my parents back to where they raised me when dad was in the middle stages. For the most part it was the right decision for our family but it was not without significant costs all around. Some random thoughts:

1. Opt to live wherever it is you want to be in Stage 8. If you have a full social life and community around you where you live now, maybe it's better to hire the help you need and stay where you are assuming you live in a community where such services are available.
2. Have a frank discussion with your son (and DIL if there is one) about "help". You didn't flesh out ages or stages, but if they're working fulltime or still have children at home, their availability will be limited. If they've offered "help" how do they define that? Does your son think it's mowing the lawn of shoveling the walk? Will time helping you impact his marriage if things aren't getting done at his house and he's not there for wife/kids? Are you expecting son to watch DH routinely to give you a break? Will he be expected to help dress, feed and toilet his dad? I was semi-retired when dad crashed and burned and my son was an adult, so I had the means and the time to take them on. I haven't been on a real vacation in 5 years but it is what it is.
3. Where will you live? I moved my parents into a senior apartment and then a lovely 55+ community. Mom's been there almost 7 years and is still pretty isolated. She's been stage 8 for 5 1/2. She hasn't really replaced the social aspects she enjoyed in her homes in MD and FL despite the many options where she lives-- dad always drove their social life and she's lonely. I've tried taking her to the pool and such but she doesn't put herself out there. The locals chat me up thinking I'm new there but ignore her. I think she kind of aged out. The responsibility I feel for keeping her "entertained" is tremendous and exhausting.
4. If you do decide to move, I would accomplish the move under a fiblet of "visiting the son and staying in this nice senior hotel or Airbnb" for the summer, winter or perhaps while major construction is done near your home. Then have a Realtor stage the house for sale, sell it, have movers pack it and deliver it to your new home. There's no need to tell your DH he's moved. A good Realtor can manage this easily for you. I was more hands-on with the clowns who sold my parents' house in MD. They were the B Team and just annoying. The lady in FL was awesome-- she lined up a seasonal rental and sold it. I did travel down to pack up some personal items and sign the papers while I was there. With the house in MD, I had my local CELA vet the paperwork and signed/notarized it her office and had it delivered by courier.
5. I would get the back injection anyway you can. Getting to your son's house might be tricky otherwise. It would be useful to cover the distance with at least one other person who can escort DH into the mens room. Another option would be to hire medical transport which could deliver him in a transport stretcher. My aunt did this for her sister when she moved her from ME to MA-- she even rode along. You could always have your car transported to the new location if you do this.-- HB

mrahope

Hello, gpaul,

As Pat mentioned, I recently moved with my DH to where my son lives (about 250 miles away). I think overall this move (which occurred about 2 months ago) has been successful. A couple of things really rang true for me.

First of all, I could not disguise what was taking place (selling the house, choosing a mover, etc.) but I emphasized that this was happening to take care of me and because I wanted it. I told him that if I should become injured, need surgery, etc. I wanted my DS and DDIL to be able to help him when I couldn't. I emphasized how worried I was about this (not lying, there). I also was able to explain that I wanted to be closer to my granddaughter (age 2.5 yo). Sometimes these explanations made sense and sometimes they didn't as far as he was concerned. He still gave me a royal hard time about it, saying he "didn't want to live in a village" (it's home to a large university, in a beautiful mountain area) etc.

As far as transporting him to our new home, my DH has severe Restless Legs and also some problems sitting, so I would second the notion of getting some kind of transport where your DH has the option of to lie down. Both DS and I were worried that he wouldn't get in the car with me, so DS drove up to our old area and used his larger vehicle to take my DH to the new house. This went off without a hitch! Kudos to DS for playing smooth jazz and pointing out scenery along the way.

Also second the notion of discussing frankly with your DS about what help would be most beneficial. My son and DIL offered to clean the house, etc. but in fact, since moving, the best thing has been that they were willing to arrange and go to dental visits with DH. I can hire folks to mow the lawn, clean house, etc.

As far as settling in, it's been better than expected in most ways, but I do feel that my DH is progressing more quickly (i.e. becoming more forgetful and confused) since the move, though perhaps that will stabilize. The other major issue has been establishing medical care in the new area. We were lucky to have DDIL make us appointments with PCPs before we even moved, and it still took 6 weeks. You may wish to start that process early, if it's an option.

Anyway, that's my experience. YMMV

ESoprano

A heartfelt Thank You for all your Q&As!! New to this & they're so helpful. Slaying the dragons of anxiety 1 by 1 ...