DH is in denial

Lkrielow99

It’s been 3 months since my DH was diagnosed. His disease is getting worse and I’m not sure how to deal with the fact he claims nothing is wrong. Although he mentions how screwed up everything is. In these 3 months he was scammed three times, his PC is now in my possession and I won’t give it back. All of his credit cards were cancelled and reissued but he doesn’t know how to activate. His auto warranty was canceled because the credit card was canceled and he doesn’t know how to solve the problem. State Farm canceled his auto insurance and his BIL has found a high risk company that may take him. (BIL is so co-dependent). My background is Alan-on and I believe in not fixing things unless it will harm him or me. This is new to me. I don’t want WW3 but when and how do I invoke the POA. He self manages his brokerage account. It’s not my money but I have told him he is a danger to himself. He insists nothing is wrong with his brain and his memory is fine. It’s getting crazy and I cry a lot. Can someone share their story of what lead to invoking the POA? Details would be appreciated. Thanks so much.

Marta

Please read about anosognosia, a condition which is very common among PWD and other neurological injury. Brain damage prevents your husband from recognizing that he has had a cognitive shift.

Someone will come along and post the link to information on helping someone with anosognosia.

toolbeltexpert

Marta nailed it he isn't in denial he can't recognize his deficiency. As far as invoking a poa one thing it doesn't do is give you the authority to put him in a nursing home. It allows you to make lots of decisions but it does give charge over his personhood. My dw is in a mc but it is totally voluntary which she doesn't understand and I don't tell her. I can make all the decisions about her medical care, medicines ect. I sold our farm, I froze her credit. It sounds like you really need to take charge of all the financial stuff asap. Scammers abound as you know.

I want to say I am so sorry, this is so hard. You are eventually going to be in charge of everything. There will be lots more chime in. Keep asking any questions there are lawyers, doctors and lots of folks on the same road we are.

JDancer

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Dementia is brutal, but you will find a lot of support and good advice on this forum.

It doesn't sound like he should be driving. Researching liability in the event of an accident will provide motivation to stop him. Does the person looking at insurance for him understand the situation? Without insurance, he can't drive, right?

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SDianeL

I've been exactly where you are and it's terrifying & heartbreaking. You are at the right place for help. Read the book "The 36 Hour Day" for tips on many issues. My DH 78 was diagnosed 2 years ago. He also had anosognosia and denied anything was wrong. To get him to stop driving, I relayed what the Neuro Psychologist said after she did the 3 hour evaluation. That he was diagnosed with memory issues and issues with visuospatial difficulties and it was noted in his medical records. She said if he were in a accident, even if it wasn't his fault, we could be sued and lose everything. After I explained that to him, he handed me his keys 14 months ago and never drove again. I would see if the doctors or attorney can help you. Sometimes they will accept it from a doctor or attorney but not from their LO. 6 months after his diagnosis I mentioned my sister who has dementia and he looked at me and said "I don't have that do I"? I said yes and changed the subject. When the doctors prescribe something for his agitation I just tell him it's something for his brain. He's now in Stage 5 going into Stage 6. They thought he had Dementia probably vascular but recently changed the diagnosis to ALZ-Posterior Cortical Atrophy which affects vision, depth perception and it would have been terrible to allow him to continue to drive.

Iris L.

Danger danger danger! You are in a very dangerous situation. The stand-offish perspective of Al-Anon is the OPPOSITE of dealing with dementia. You need to get control, and get control as soon as possible. You will have to change your viewpoint. Your initial sentence expresses anosognosia precisely, he sees nothing wrong, in fact, he thinks he is fine! This is a characteristic of the disease, not the denial on alcoholism. If you try to confront him with reality, he will become upset, as you have seen. There are a couple of threads at the top of the General Caregiver Board that have links regarding anosognosia and other online reading material. Keep reading and keep posting. Everyone will help you!

Iris

Denise1847

I know nothing about brokerage accounts, but if there is a way to contact the firm, it would be worth a try.

You mentioned a BIL, who is assisting him. Is there a sister that you can appeal to to stop the BIL from his antics?

ESoprano

My DH sounds like yours. So far I have: shut down his business; switched check acct to joint w/broker/friend checking for scams; hidden checkbook & ATM card; & switched all bills to autopay. All without POA. Fortunately he's OK not driving. 36 Hour Day helps. Bottom line? Lying is OK, can really help your LOWD. Thanks for asking, reassuring others dealing w/this $#!+ 😁

JJ401

You have gotten very good advice above.

See an elder attorney yesterday. Whether this is a second marriage or a first may not matter. Separate accounts may or may not be taken into consideration. The type of account (savings vs retirement) may matter. In my state, savings accounts, even if kept separate, are considered for long term Medicaid. In my state retirement accounts remain separate property for long term Medicaid. In the adjoining state, retirement accounts are considered joint or long term Medicaid. Each state has its own rules.

And yes, what DH does with his account matters. If he spends (or gives it away) in a manner that Medicaid does not approve, the may be a period of ineligibility when it is needed.

The brokerage account may be difficult. Each firm is different. Some will accept the POA, others need their own form in addition.

You need advice now.

Lkrielow99

Thank you so much for all your responses.

Marta and toolbeltexpert, I see your point. He can’t see his memory loss because it’s gone. Thank you

jddancer: it’s crazy but his BIL is his insurance agent and I’ve spent hours back and forth. His insurance was canceled but the BIL is helping (enabling) him find another company. My BIL wants me to contact DMV and have his license revoked. For me, that would create WW3 in my home. After many pleading he has agreed to check into what he can do. Thank you

victoria2020: I am going to contact a second atty to review my legal documents and advise me. Thank you.

SdianeL: I downloaded the book and it’s amazing. Thanks so much for all the advice. Maybe our family lawyer can explain the driving liability to him with me. Our family lawyer is a good friend. Thank you taking the time to respond.

IsisL: With all the input, I’m learning I must proceed differently than I originally thought. Alan-on thinking was my go to behavior. I guess mow I’m thinking more about “danger danger” thank you

Denise1847: I am familiar with the brokerage accounts and it’s difficult for the scammers to just take. I’m watching him like a hawk and spend mornings asking about them. Since it’s separate property, I would have to pull the trigger on control. He thinks I’ve signed the spousal waiver to bypass my inheritance to his children and I have not. he has two sisters and many brothers. It doesn’t appear they will be of help, but I am requesting it and will continue to request their help. Thanks

Esoprano: Our marriage was always about honesty and transparency. I’m learning with help from people like you, we have to do what’s in both our best interests. It’s hard on me to not just say what I’m doing but my mindset is changing. I’m glad (not really) that there are others that can help me through this. I just cry a lot and hide my tears from him. I want our last days to be peaceful. Thank you.

JJ401: I’m learning with people like you bringing up important issues. We have separate property and a pre-nup that was partially designed by me. He is 10 years older and I said before I married, I did not agree to separate property if One dies while the marriage never ended. It’s a sunset clause. But our wills were written years ago stating I received everything by transfer accept a few personal items to his children and usufruct of his office building. He has a long term policy that was written when he was a young man and I received a copy a couple weeks ago directly from the insurance company. DH put the bill on my desk and said “be sure this is always paid”. There is no exclusion on age and the policy pays $6,000 month for 6 years. I know that may not cover all of the bill, but if he doesn’t destroy our finances, it will work. The wording was slightly modified for home care that needed a professional recommendation. Thanks, your information was appreciated.

thank you all for being here. I promise when I get through this, I will pay it all forward by helping others. Until then, I am forever grateful.

Paris20

From day one, my husband has had anosognosia about his Alzheimer’s diagnosis, which happened in 2015. He had a stroke last year, is paralyzed on his right side, and has been in a skilled nursing facility since then. His speech is fading but he still thinks he’s fine. He talks about going back to Paris, taking me out to dinner, driving me to medical appointments, etc. He doesn’t even realize he is in a wheelchair and is severely disabled. My family and I go along with all of it. He will forget our conversations anyway. You cannot argue with someone who has dementia plus anasognosia. Just stick to the fiblets and move on to the next subject. I write from years of experience.

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jfkoc

added.....you need to meet with a certified elder care attorney and you need to know exactly what the POA says, If it is not durable it may bo longer be valid.

Lkrielow99

Thank you Paris20, Victoria2020 and jfkoc.

I think this may be the hardest part for me, taking control seems like an impossible task. My DH has always been insecure but his strength is financial. He took care of all his family’s business. He will not give up control willingly. Driving, finance, and meds will be close to impossible until he declines substantially. I am thinking I will need the doctor to write a letter regarding his medical state and then upload the POA to the brokerage accounts. Will I need a letter to be able to enforce the POA?

M1

Many brokerage firms require that you fill out their own poa forms, may not accept a general one. If your DH balks at that, i would have a private and frank discussion with the account manager. My partner didnt balk, but her account manager also put flags on her accounts not to execute trades without checking with him. It helped a lot that we had a personal relationship with him and with our banker and accountant; they all knew us both well and were able to help negotiate the financial side of things relatively seamlessly.