LO Begs To Come Home

Shroomer

My husband is 86 yrs old, who was a psychiatric nurse, started having delusions in early June and it was so bad that he started threatening me and tried to hurt me. I had to get emergency help for him and he was transferred to a dementia hospital for evaluation and treatment. He was given medication that has been helpful and is now somewhat more mellow. He knows who I am. He is now is in a locked down Alz. Care unit and is confused about where we live and what state we live in. He doesn’t understand why he can’t get out and come home with me. I am 82 yrs old and have no family support and no way to take care of him at home. He begs me to come home and says he will do anything I say and won’t wander off. He has said many times that he would be able to walk back to our old place in California (we live in Missouri). He thinks he will not get lost but cannot remember our town, address or phone number. I tell him I can’t take him out and give the excuse that it is doctor’s orders. I visit him 3 to 4 times a week and he gets disturbed when I leave without him. The other day he packed up his clothes in his pillow case and tried to leave. The staff asked me to come by because he does better when he sees me. He also thinks he has some authority since he was a nurse and was in charge of a psych hospital. I hope the community here has some ideas of how to talk to him. Should I tell him he has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s? I told him I was working on trying to get him out but was that the wrong thing to tell him? I’m not sure how to try and converse with him. If anyone has any suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

sandwichone123

Hi Shroomer,

It's hard. I've found it works better to respond to the emotions rather than the content of the message. You are aware that he may not even know what "home" is at this point, so asking him what he'd do there can be helpful. Defer, but don't say no. Distract when you can, by asking what he'd like to do there, or pointing out things in the immediate environment. It usually isn't helpful to tell them their diagnosis, because they really don't understand it, and they feel fine! My dh tells me every time I go see him, "for 60, we're really doing well." I would not say he is doing well, but I don't contradict him.

When you leave, you might want to make sure to say you're leaving "for a while," rather than to go home. If he wants to go with you, some have had success with "when the doctor says it's ok," or "when you're better."

Shroomer

Thank you so much for offering your advice. I am seeing him today and I do tell him when the doctor says OK but he doesn’t always buy it. I’ll do as you suggested saying I’m leaving for a little while but I’ll be back. He does tell me all the things he’ll do when home like making a fence and helping me with housework. I will try not to contradict him and respond more to his emotions.