Moving dad to memory care in 5 days

machelriller

Hi everyone. I posted here a few weeks ago and the responses were so helpful.

I am moving my dad to MC in just a few days and I could use some encouragement. He is moving from his home of almost 40 years. I set up the apartment and it looks really nice. The facility is beautiful and all of the staff I’ve interacted with are so kind. But I’m having horrible cold feet and wondering if I’m making a mistake. My dad is in a moderate stage of vascular dementia, relatively young (76), and physically healthy, and I’m afraid it’s too soon for memory care.

Any positive stories to ease my mind would be so welcome. I know the transition will be hard, but I just want to give my dad the best care and quality of life in the long run.

Caring62

It has been a year since I moved my 83-year old Mom with late mid-stage AD to MC. The MC facility was beautiful and the care staff very engaged in meeting Mom where she was at. In retrospect we really should have moved mom to MC a lot sooner as her occasional behavioral issues at her AL were an indication of her moving further into her disease. The risk we had with Mom was that she was physical healthy but her AD-related impulsive behaviors put her at risk for wandering and more falls. MC worked well for her needs at the time. In the last year Mom progressed very quickly to a stage where she needs constant supervision, even at night (i.e. an apartment was no longer viable). At the time I was very nervous about moving Mom to MC. Again, I should have moved her sooner.

Caring62

I should have mentioned that Mom is now in an adult family home. This gives her the 7/24 comfort care she needs without going to a nursing home.

JeriLynn66

Lovingly, I would pose this question.. if your Father had to make a decision to keep you safe and cared for, knowing you to be incapable of doing that for yourself, What decision would he make?

I would believe he would do the hard thing and be there to support your transition and protect you.

This will be a hard thing. There will be a transition period. All you can do is make the best decision in the circumstances and roll with it. Make adjustments as needed and know you’re doing your best for your Daddy.

Much love and prayers… let us know how everything goes

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Michelriller. One good reason for moving your dad to memory care at this point is that vascular dementia progresses very quickly and in sudden spurts. While Alzheimer's suffers deteriorate slowly over the course of a decade or longer, VD sufferers will experience sudden, abrupt shifts in cognition and capabilities. It's like jumping off a series of cliffs in contrast to gliding slowly downhill. Your dad could suffer dramatic changes in his abilities overnight and then where would you be? You'd be racing to find him suitable care and might not find him a residence as good as the one you have now. That's just one reason for making the move now. There are others, but rest assured you are doing the very best thing for your dad in securing high-quality care for the hard road ahead.

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DebDeb

It's normal to doubt yourself, but I agree with all of these comments that this is a good and needed thing you are doing.

Anonymousjpl123

Chiming in to say I completely understand and I was right there with you. I moved my mom recently and she is definitely in the earlier to moderate stages, although I tend to be in denial about her progression.

There are times when she seems very early in dementia, like she would be absolutely fine in AL. Then there are other time it’s clear why she absolutely was not (especially when we are with other people or literally anywhere outside of MC).

What I can say 100% is that she is doing a LOT more than she ever did in MC, which is making her much healthier. For example, she is very social with other residents and got one table set up for 6 instead of 4. She also started an informal “coffee club.” We went clothing shopping. Lastly, she loves aquacize and I found a class near her place that she loves. She is going to go every week.

These activities are possible largely because her daily life is so much more structured, less stressful, and she has WAY more support.

It was an adjustment, she complained a lot for a while, and then she settled in. Ultimately I think it’s a much cozier set up than assistive living and she would be lonely as heck living with me. Your dad will have a chance to get used to it, and settle in, before it is harder to do that. When it’s possible (which it isn’t always) in my opinion it’s the humane thing to do.

machelriller

Thank you everyone so much for your comments and support. It makes me feel a lot better. We moved my dad in today and it was a mixed bag. He figured out something was going on and was very upset and we had a big fight. The staff did an amazing job distracting him and getting him involved in activities and he was laughing and having fun when I left. Now I just have to wait.

M1

Keep us posted how he does. Fingers crossed that he has an easy transition.

bjohnsen3869

I moved my physically healthy dad with AD to AL 3 months ago…..I was second guessing up until the move. 5 weeks later facility said he needed to move to MC portion. I moved him but I’m still second guessing myself even today. It’s so hard but the thing is, this disease only progresses. It’s better to have them where they need to be, even if, they aren’t there yet. I struggle with this on a daily basis. Don’t expect that there will be a moment of clarity for you. That you will, all of a sudden, be totally at peace with your decision and KNOW it’s the right thing. I’ve been waiting for that moment for the last 3 months and it never comes. You just have to do what is best for you and your dad.

machelriller

I visited my dad today for the first time since the move, at the advice of the staff. Waiting two weeks to see him was brutal for me. I was in touch with the staff every day or every other day to hear how he was doing and was so sick with worry for him. It sounded like he was doing well, but also constantly asking to go home.

My visit was amazing. My wife and I only stayed for an hour (at the advice of staff), but he wasn't angry, upset, or confused to see me at all. He clearly didn't remember the move in day at all or understand that I was the reason he was there. He seemed... okay with the MC facility. They have a beautiful courtyard that he showed us around, but complained that he couldn't leave to take a walk. According to the staff, he has made some friends in other residents, but I didn't see him interact with anyone else. I think he understood that he lives there now, and he wasn't super happy about it, but he also wasn't angry about it. But he was elated to see me and we had a really nice time.

I know there will be more ups and downs, but the first visit went way better than I expected. I also noticed that his dementia was really on display in this new environment and it really made me see that there is no way he could have lived in AL. For the first time I'm feeling like things might be okay.

Anonymousjpl123

SO happy the first visit went well! There will be a lot of ups and downs, but it sounds like you have found a really good place where they know what they are doing. None of this is good: it is HARD - for our loved ones, us, everyone. But having your dad be safe and so relatively ok after such a big move is huge. Keep us posted, and be prepared for some ups and downs. This is very positive news. Thank you.