Coping with grief

Just Bill

My wife passed 8 days ago. I was her full time caregiver for 3.5 years. I read a lot about the grief process and what to expect after a spouses passing. There are 2 things that happen to someone in my situation. A tremendous euphoria comes over you after your spouse passes because the weight of care giving is relieved. That feeling of euphoria is accompanied by guilt for being happy your spouse has passed. The 2nd thing that happens is everything is a trigger that reminds you of good times with your spouse and the feeling of finality of never looking into their eyes again fills you with crippling sadness. Both happened and my method of coping for the first feeling is imagining that feeling is my wife's spirit letting me know everything is ok so no more guilt. The second feelings method of coping is taking advantage of the brain's ability to trigger. I am burying myself in activity that makes me happy, I store those actions in my head I call my happy box. When I see anything that triggers me into sadness I trigger my happy box and that helps me cope with that. I don't ignore the sadness I try to control when I let it happen and let it happen, but let it pass. It is day 8 and it definitely gets easier with each passing day. I will never forget her but every time I think of her induces happiness and not sorrow. I know I will never see her again physically but I have memories of her that will live on forever and I am ok with that. It is part of the human experience.

Jeanne C.

It comes in waves, doesn't it? Continue to take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts.

Just Bill

Yes it does come in waves. When it does come I try to replace the pain of never seeing her again to gratitude for having been able to share 41 years with a sweet beautiful human being. I read somewhere every successful marriage ends with one of you making funeral arrangements for the other. By that standard we had a successful marriage and I am grateful for that. I would rather have spent my life with her and lost her than never having shared our lives. That thought process turns my pain into gratitude.

Battlebuddy

Thanks for posting Bill. I am now at 6 weeks since my husband passed away. I’m taking this really great Griefshare class at my church. It’s helped me a lot. I definitely hit a guilt stage, which surprised me because I didn’t think I had much to be guilty about.

They also talked about a “grief ambush” which is their term for when out of nowhere you see something or hear something that brings you grief. For me it was a Panera blueberry muffin. My husband loved them. I had to leave the store on my first trip to Panera post funeral but now I can go and it’s ok.

You sound like you are doing well all things considered. I hope things at work are good now that you don’t have all the home stress.

abc123

Dear Bill , I am sorry for the loss of your wife. Thank you for sharing your methods of how you are dealing with things.

Sincerely,

abc123

Dear Battlebuddy, I'm sorry to hear that your husband has passed. I hope I can find a griefshare type group. Happy that you have that support to help you.

Sincerely,

abc123

Buggsroo

Hi Just Bill

It has been five months or so since my husband passed, I did feel relief and happy he was at peace. Grief hit me like a hammer however, I have felt all kinds of emotions. I don’t cry as much but I am a bit sad. I keep myself busy, taking care of my 81 year old mother and cleaning my house. I have had people over for dinner, something I could not do before.
I know it is a process and am feeling stronger as time moves on. If I had to do it again I would in a heartbeat because he was such a wonderful man with a rapier like wit. I think of my memories of both of us laughing and I laugh.
I believe life does go on and I will live it because he would want that. Thank you for your thoughtful post.

tetwoman

Dear All - My husband died at the end of March. It was not unexpected. He was home with me until 3 weeks before he passed. He went from hospital to memory care to hospital to finally a nursing home for end of life care. It all happened so fast but in slow motion. Now I am adjusting to the new normal. It’s the first time I’ve lived alone. It’s the first time in 46 years I am living without him. So the first days and weeks were mostly spent in a state of numbness, sprinkled with guilt, regret and sorrow. But I started looking at photos, and there right in front of me was evidence of the vibrant, dynamic man from before and

tetwoman

and the lost, sad man he had become. I started to see that I did do right by him. That nothing would or could have changed the outcome. The recognition of this and loss of guilt and regret are a terrible weight off me. I started writing a memoir of our life together. I am hosting a memorial gathering at the house in a couple of weeks. And I am moving forward in gratitude for the life we shared and the life ahead - as he would want .

tetwoman

My heart breaks for each of you who have lost your loved one. It also swells with pride because I know the valiant effort each of you have put forth.

Much love,

Susan

PRC

Well, here goes.

I lost my DW in March after 5-6 years as her caretaker and I still feel completely lost and overwhelmed by grief. As many times as I read from those who say they feel grateful and happy for the times spent together I've never had that. Objects and memories around the house trigger sadness, not thankfulness. In fact, I feel nothing but emptiness and heartbreak. I really don't give a damn about anything anymore. I still get out of bed, eat breakfast, take a shower, tidy the house then sit idle watching TV reruns or self-medicating into near oblivion.

The suggestions of getting out, joining a club, meeting new people do not interest me. I'm not a churchgoer and usually I find the prospect of 'mingling' with people unsettling if not actually terrifying. I won't invite anyone over because I do not want to feel trapped in my own home. I used to have a nice yard and a garden but caring for DW left me exhausted; the yard is shot and my garden gone to seed.

For the last 8 years it's been rancid politics, she cracked a vertebra and a couple of ribs in a fall, then COVID, Alzheimer's, a broken hip, shingles and now she's gone. My DW had some terrible last few years on earth.

I do not know how to deal with this or how to 'reset' myself but I know I need to. Or should I just try to hang on for another 6 months, hope that passing of time helps and try to make it through?

Anyone else gone thru something like this? The usual remedies and suggestions don't seem to be helping.

(BTW, this was not easy to write, at all. Glad it's anonymous. Guess I just needed to purge)

fmb

@PRC

I took the liberty of copying your comment and cross-posting to the Caring for a Spouse or Partner section of the forum where it should get more traffic. It is posted with the title "@PRC regarding Grief".

Praying that you find help and peace. ((Hugs))

PattiRN2

PRC

I’m so sorry. This is an awful time. Someone once said you go forward with the pain. I do think we draw strength from each other especially when we are with others going thru the same situations. Perhaps you can find a support group.
I have a dog I hug for strength. It Releases endorphins and soothes the pain. I walk in the woods or on a beach to enjoy nature, which is bigger than all of us and it reassures me, life still beautiful.