How to get DH to see his doctors

copingmj

I'm new here and new to this experience. My DH, age 82, is in early stage dementia. He is exhibiting a lot of anger toward me. I'm learning that if I express my feelings, hurt and frustration it only makes things worse. He refused to meet with a neurologist last week, in spite of pleading from me, his doctor, and his best friend. Now he is refusing to go to his new cardiologist (whom he asked to see!) this week. Any ideas of how to safely get him to go?

Jgirl57

Hello and welcome! I am sorry you are having a rough time. Many members here have used a variety of “tricks” to get their loved ones to the specialty appointments. Usually the less said the better when planning a dr visit. One that seems to work is the simple statement that Medicare will drop you if you don’t go to the appointment . Since I am the driver I say very little but play up the ice cream visit when we are through . Best wishes and keep posting here.

harshedbuzz

@copingmj

You'll probably need to use a fiblet like the excellent one @Jgirl57 offered you.

That said, so often people think of dementia solely as a disease of memory loss. Dementia also includes significant early losses in empathy which is to say it's all about him now. Even if your feelings mattered to him, he likely doesn't have the ability to accept his responsibility in your feelings or the bandwidth to process that. Best to find a more appropriate person or place for venting-- this place is great IME.

HB

SDianeL

Welcome! Sorry, but telling him about your feelings won't help. My DH, 78, was diagnosed 2 years ago and is now in Stage 5, going into Stage 6. He no longer has any emotion, empathy or understanding. You can't reason with him because his "reasoner" is broken. I make appointment in the early afternoon when my DH is usually in a better mood. I tell him that morning at breakfast. I don't tell him what kind of doctor we're seeing. When the Neurologist prescribes a new medication I tell him it's to help his brain. I don't tell him anything more. Also try something he likes as a reward and fib if you must. Tell him they will cancel his insurance if he doesn't keep his appointments and if it's heart related he could end up in the hospital which I'm sure if he's like my DH does not want that! If he has anger, get his PCP to prescribe something for his anger. My DH's anger has escalated the last 2 years and he is now on Risperidone twice daily and was recently depressed and will start an anti-depressant when it arrives. Also find out if they can do video visits after the first one. They have done that with my DH and it sometime helps. They usually won't do it on the first visit though.

Laurie1282

One of the hardest things for me to grasp was my HWA lack of empathy and understanding in the early stages. He was a counselor during his working days, and I would be so hurt when he acted like he didn't care. He also seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face. When I finally accepted that this is part of dementia, it was much easier to understand his comments and lack of empathy.

Iris L.

Also read about anosognosia. He is not aware of his loss of empathy and other losses of having dementia.

Iris