@harshedbuzz: regarding your mom

Iris L.

You mentioned in another thread that your mom is lonely. I can relate. I was never a social butterfly, but I had friends. It's very different being older. Older people don't make friends easily. I had considered moving to a 55+ active senior community, but I am no longer that active and I knew I wouldn't be able to keep up.

I used to be good at small talk, but no longer. I can't keep up with fast conversation or too many talking at once. Plus, nowadays, there's not much to talk about if you don't already know someone. Older adults obsess about their children and grandchildren. This quickly gets boring. You can't talk about politics. Popular culture, I don't follow, nor tv shows nor movies. That leaves the weather and "aren't prices high now!" Also boring. I tried pickleball. The people were nice and said they deliberately used this sport to meet people. But I couldn't keep up and I refused to embarrass myself by constantly missing the ball.

I know two 90+ year olds who play bridge in leagues, and they have encouraged me to do so, but my memory isn't good enough for bridge. I considered volunteering at the animal shelter, but they had no need for cat volunteers, and I didn't want to work with strange dogs. I used to attend a comptuer class pre-pandemic, but that closed and never resumed. So now my plan is to visit the local senior center. They have day trips and also a lot of activities directed by staff. Are you familiar with parallel play in toddlers? I think this is applicable to older adults. We can enjoy ourselves next to our peers without a lot of engagement. I have found this to be true for myself. I started attending a monthly birdwatching group. I get to be outside with nice people, even if I don't know their names. Having said all of that I have a few suggestions for your mom.

--Visit a local senior center with people closer to her age group. She can engage in activities. For example, on Tuesday I'm going to arts & crafts to make a birdfeeder.

--Does she knit or crochet? There are groups that make baby blankets for hospitalized babies. She might like an easy volunteer activity.

--Jo C posted about how she discreetly introduced a paid companion to her mom.

You mentioned that being an entertainment director is exhausting for you. Also, your mom should be able to enjoy her older years. I mention these in case they may help. You may have already thought of all of these, because I know you are resourceful. My 90+ year old neighbor has no activities except watching TV. I got her a "friendly visitor" from a local senior group and she did enjoy the company. But the visitor had a change in plans and had to stop. I feel bad seeing her bored. I feel bad thinking about your mom being lonely.

Iris

Addendum: I forgot to mention about my late cousin. She moved to a luxury independent living community in her late 80s. All the newcomers wore name tags for the first six months so that the others would know to welcome them. She was assigned to a four-person table for the dinner meal fir the first six months. Of course, there were many activities, indoor and outdoor. I wouldn't mind living there myself. It was like a Disneyland for seniors. But it was not a CCRC. She lived there until a few months before she passed. For the prior year, she had 24 hour paid caregivers. Residents were allowed to stay as long as they had their own caregivers. Just a thought

Iris

michiganpat

Iris, Your input on this board is so valuable. I am kind of new ( almost 2 years) in relation to others. I just want you to know how appreciated you are. I have learned much from your insight. Thank you, Pat

harshedbuzz

@Iris L.

Thank you so much for taking the time to make this thoughtful post.

Much of what you have written confirms what I am seeing as I have tried many of your suggestions-- a few were even starting to bear fruit and then COVID shut her world down.

For the most part, the 55+ community has been fine. A CCRC would have been my first choice. She really enjoys being a homeowner and having her own place to decorate and tiny garden in which to putter. The place was built about 24 years ago, so most of the original "silent generation" owners have moved on one way or another and their replacements are "boomers". Unlike her neighbors in MD and FL (both more of a resort area), these people downsized and made the choice to stay near family, friends, and places of worship so they have no need to create a new social circle.

Her personality plays into this. Her position as baby of the family has been inescapable; she is very passive and happy to go along with others initiating plans. This worked well when my dad was alive and organizing their social lives; even in mid-stage dementia he kept them busy. But it's not working for her now. She also has always had a fairly high baseline of anxiety and putting herself out there. When I was a kid of about 10, she used to have me make phone calls for her to schedule appointments or put a vacation stop on the daily newspaper. Medication has improved this, but I have had to accept that she's not going to initiate anything.

The community has a lovely rec center, but it's about 3/4 mile from her home. They offer all manner of clubs, volunteer positions, and activities. Before COVID, I had successfully bullied her into walking to the center for morning exercise classes which was going really well. A couple of the ladies were even offering her a ride. Perhaps with PT she'll be able to make the walk again. She could Uber but it chaps her butt to pay for them. She "wastes" a lot of money on this aspirational wardrobe she's curating but blanches when I suggest she "pay good money" to go back and forth between the clubhouse to work out of join a book club.

She does have a few friends she talks to on the phone. She would agree on your observations about the limited topics of conversations. She has one friend who seems more impaired after a stroke who mostly calls to complain about how awful her life is-- she's not lying, it is tragically sad. These calls generally make mom feel worse.

Unfortunately, arts & crafts are difficult at this point between her AMD and essential tremor. She's been an artist and art teacher in her career and loves that sort of thing.

On the bright side, my cousin in coming next month with her husband for a week which she'll enjoy. I need to redo the schedule for that week to free the days up for sightseeing.

HB

Iris L.

HB, your mom sounds like a lovely woman. She sounds like a lot of the ladies on Lorita's front porch, who spend their time enjoying their homes and their gardens. How fulfilling! Does she bake for her family? I discovered cookie dough that comes in a sheet like stamps, all I have to do is separate and put onto the cookie sheet and bake. This is how I have homemade Christmas cookies. It doesn't require a lit of dexterity.

I can relate to the money issue. Your mom probably spent her life saving for her old age, like I did. It's hard to think of spending after a life of frugality, but I keep telling myself that I am in my old age now, and I'm going to make my old age easy when I can. But is it that your mom won't spend the money, or is she hesitant to call for Uber, like me? There is a service called GoGoGrandparent that does the scheduling for Uber via the telephone, no smartphone needed. I might try it one day. I know of people who have used it with satisfaction.

I figured out about the monkey. There are people who have a monkey on their back, and subconsciously verbally vomit their troubles and complaints to get the monkey off of their back. Then the monkey is on my back, and it's not even my monkey. Meaning, I become very distressed over someone else's issues, that don't even involve me! I have learned that the only way for me to avoid the monkey is to limit the monkey's access to me. This means avoiding certain people, or at least severely limiting contact with them.

I'm glad your cousin is coming to visit your mom. I used to visit older relatives for one or two weeks every year until they died. I miss their wisdom and just their personalities. Your cousin is lucky to have her still. I hope you can enjoy the visit, too!

Iris