The Cavalry Isn't Coming

CindyBum

Venting alert.

The Cavalry isn't coming....And boy howdy, is that ever the truth. I don't have the link anymore to that thread, but it was such a helpful smack of reality. I still didn't realize how much of a reality until recently. I guess I can read something and get it intellectually, but reality is more than the brain...my heart feels it now too.

My wife's family has always presented itself as this super close, "we all help each other and are the best family ever!" She's the oldest of 6 and they are all up in each others business, for sure. But I've always watched their interactions from the outside with a certain sense of wonder about how superficial it all seemed to me. Turns out that's true. They've known she's on the downturn for over a year now. Not one of them has reached out to even come visit, let alone to offer any help. They don't even call her. At all.

I try to get my SO back down to the Bay Area to visit them, because she misses them, and they're never available. They're off visiting the other siblings, but not her. She, quite literally, raised them all as the oldest, would give up her own health for them and what she gets in return is bupkis. What jerks.

Though I did already have their numbers, I'm still angry at them for how they've just cut her out. My heart breaks for her and I want to yell at them. Not that it would make a lick of difference, but goodness, I sure didn't need another reason to be heartbroken for her.

Sigh...so much of this is hard enough. To see this wonderful human who gave her life to help others -- she was a social worker for 35 years --and her reward is this big bag of empty. Rough to watch and know I have absolutely no way to change any of that.

Vent over. Thanks for the outlet. Lol

housefinch

I’m so sorry. Some people look so supportive and end up being emotionally superficial and unable to be there when things get hard. That totally sucks. And such a betrayal of your loved one, who sounds like a lovely woman. I guarantee you that there are people she helped who still remember the way she treated them. Hugs to you.

Denise1847

Dear CindyBum,

I am so sorry that this is happening. I wonder how many of our forum members experience family and friends coming to support them. I suspect it is less than 10% from what I have read. I don't know what makes people abandon family and close friends in their hour of need. I, too, experience this, except for my son, who would be with us in a moment's notice.

I am remembering when I was confronted with people with dementia before we received the diagnosis, I didn't know how to interact and I think it shocked me, maybe even scared me that a disease could disable someone so cruelly. I am not making excuses for them as I, too, am very disappointed.

How would you feel about writing an email to them about your SO's state and how they are breaking her heart. If nothing else, you can say you tried and it will bring an awareness to them.

toolbeltexpert

Cindybum vent on I sure get it. My dw family consists of one sister and many steps. None of the steps will ever contact her unless they need something. Her sister came 1 time for 3 days to visit her in mc. I had begged her to come before that for years I offered to pay for the plane ticket, never had time!

I asked her to call her sister in mc, not once why!

I am greatful for my church family who visit several times a month and 1 every week.

But when we were home it was all me till I couldn't.

Jeanne C.

Man, that makes me mad on your behalf. There are two people who help us regularly. My cousin has been a close friend to my husband for the 25 years we've been together and spends time with my DH at least once a week. One of my sisters and her boys come from 3 hours away to spend time with us and give me some respite. I have a couple of friends who stay in touch. And my aging parents call often. Otherwise it's silent. Heck, our realtor has checked in more frequently than my sisters-in-law (and they question why they aren't on the POA).

This can be so isolating. I'm truly grateful for the people on this forum. CindyBum, vent away and know that you have us for what it's worth.

SDianeL

I would send them an email or letter describing your LO's progress and at least get it off your chest. Then drop it. You've done all you can do. Such a crying shame.

CindyBum

Thank you all. I do think her sisters, like her, are recovering from caretaking both of their parents who died from dementia. I can give them a slight bit of grace for that. Still, it's wild how different their presentation and sense of themselves as a super tight family is from the reality of them putting her on a chunk of ice to float out to sea all alone without any love or contact from them. Hard to reconcile.

I will say her friends have come through as much as they can. She has a best friend she's known since they were 12 and a group of high school buddies. They planned a girls weekend with her, that was huge fun for her and a break for me. I'll get that yearly, I think, but they're all aging too. They also text her a lot and get her laughing, so she has positive engagement there. No chance they'll come over to help, which I honestly don't expect from them.

It is what it is with her family and if I can come to a place of accepting that, I'll can handle it better. It's not always easy for me to lower my expectations, but really know I must or I'll live in this constant state of anger and heartbreak over how her family simply won't be there for her. That's no way for me to live.

Hugs to you all. I really appreciate your support.

Denise1847

Hi Cindy,

I am hearing your post of this afternoon and it resonates with me soooo much. I think they believe we have "cooties" and they will catch them if they come too close so they retreat to safer space. I have come to a place of acceptance. This will be my life for awhile and there is nothing I can do to change it, people are the way they are and I will have to make the best of it and try to survive. I hope you get to a place where the anger is gone.

tigersmom

CindyBum, I am so sorry. My Dh has one living immediate family member in this world -- his sister. She lives five miles away. Since he was diagnosed 27 months ago, we only see her when I invite her to our home. She sits on the couch and chats with him while I make them both dinner. This summer, she called him once in three months. And here's the best part -- she's a psychotherapist! A few weeks ago I spoke frankly to her and told her I had managed her relationship with her brother since I married him 27 years ago, and I did not have the bandwidth to do that anymore. If she wanted to see or talk to him, she would have to make an effort. Have we heard from her since? No. Good riddance.

Iris L.

This is my take on this situation. People think that the PWD immediately forgets people that they know. So why bother trying to interact with someone who no longer remembers them? Or they think that the PWD is sitting on a couch, drooling. Or people are afraid dementia will happen to them, maybe they will "catch" it. This is what I have figured out.

Iris

GothicGremlin

I've experienced the same. I wonder why this is so common? I have no idea, but it seems to be so.

Once Peggy (my sister) was diagnosed people just dropped out one by one. I really thought everyone would rally around her, but man, I was so wrong. None of my family has visited her in memory care. One of my cousins had been taking care of my aunt and uncle, both who were over 90 years old, so I understand why she hasn't visited. My brother has only visited her a couple of times, and even then he was really pissy about it. He complained that Peggy looked old and not like herself. Hello! She has a progressive, ultimately fatal disease. Even while I'm writing this, I'm still somewhat taken aback about the lack of visits from family.

The positive part is that Peggy's best friend M is very present. He visits her every other day. He and I talk often to compare notes, sync up our visits with her, etc. He's just the best. Peggy's kindergarten friend D is also very present. She can't visit often because she's in southern CA and Peggy's not - but she calls everyday. She and I also coordinate. Peggy's so lucky to have them. I am too, for that matter!

But not having family is rough because Peggy misses them. And yes, she still knows who all of are, even at early stage 7.

Denise1847

Cindy, Here's the gift to the desertion of friends and family - at least these people have revealed themselves. I know who has my back and who doesn't. We have a married couple who we have had as friends for about 20 years, traveling together etc. Slowly they have pulled away and I haven't heard from them in a month, even though I reached out concerned that something was wrong with one of them.

So the lesson for me is that people are motivated by their self-interests. When people have things in common, a mutual interest etc., they will be motivated to spend time with you to meet their own needs. However, that quickly passes when the common ground is no longer present.

Ed1937

I think Iris has it right. And now I'm going to be bold. We all know that most of the time people we think of as being close, family or not, do not come around to help, or even make a call. If this really bothers you terribly, you have to make a change in the way you think about the situation. Accept it, then move on. Otherwise it will eat you alive. Is that easy to do? No, but if you can change the way you think about it, your life will become just a little easier. I hope I didn't make any enemies. Just trying to live in the reality of things.

Drapper

I agree with Ed. I have experienced similar disappointment with my DH’s family , including some of his children, snd some of our friends.

i recently have decided to just accept it. And let it go, which has released me from the pain. It will only hurt me if I continue to dwell about how things SHOULD be. I am changing my feelings of resentment, hurt & anger into acceptance of the reality of the situation. And to be at peace with it and to let it go. I tell myself that these individuals are doing the best they can do given where they are “emotionally” in their lives. I hope you can find peace with situation, or it will anchor you down.