My husband hit me today - he has never hit me in 41 years of marriage but now..

lizblock

Today, I put some boxes on our deck to throw away in the dumpster up the street and my husband just hauled off and hit me square in the back right where I have an 11 inch incision from recent back surgery. He hit me where he knew he could hurt me the most- I am in shock and very upset. Can anyone help me with this one? I am completely lost.

Pat6177

Liz, I am so sorry that you and your DH are going thru this. I have not been in your shoes. What is am suggesting is based on what I have read here on this forum. Call 911 and ask if they can do anything now that the crisis is over. You need to get your DH to the ER and get them to keep him for at least the minimum psych assessment period (72 hrs, I think) and have him evaluated and have them prescribe medication for him. Keep stressing that you can’t take him home because it wouldn’t be safe. Your DH needs to be seen by a geriatric psych dr. They are the specialist for the meds. Also, if this is a sudden change, have him tested for a UTI. In older folks, UTIs come without urinary symptoms but the symptoms can be a change in personality and/or cognitive function.

Actually, you didn’t provide any of the details but I’m assuming that your DH has dementia.

The other thing is that you need to keep yourself safe. That is top priority. Keep your cell phone fully charged and on you at all times. Make sure you know how to call 911, there are ways to call without dialing it. Is there a room you can stay in that has a lock on the inside? A room that has a way out - door or large window? You need to be prepared to call the police at the drop of a hat and when you do, be sure to tell them that your DH has dementia. And you need to be prepared to leave your home at the drop of a hat. Consider putting an overnight bag in the car with a few things in case … Is it safe to lock your purse in the car? If not, make sure it’s available to grab quickly on your way out the door.

i can’t stress it enough - do not hesitate to call 911. Your safety is very important! Some caretakers drive down the street and then call 911.

Others with experience will respond tomorrow but I wanted to respond tonight in case he is still unstable or angry. You will get lots of support from the folks here.

Pat6177

Liz, see also the current thread titled “911 to Hospital to Inpatient psych eval“ by jacdev4l. The thread talks about the process that happens after your LO goes to the er. Pardon the bold. I can’t seem to highlight a selection and unbold it.

Denise1847

Dear Lizblock,

I pray your back is ok. I had a fusion and decompression 2 years ago and when I read this, I can feel your pain and reactions to someone hitting me in my back. Please follow the advice to protect yourself and keep us informed.

toolbeltexpert

Liz it's time to get some help before you get hurt worse. I ended up having to call 911 twice and my neighbors 1 time. It was the third time she said she would go and get checked it had to be voluntary. Once in the hospital, I keep repeating she wouldn't be safe at home period, so from the er to a geripsych which lasted 7 weeks partly because dw got covid in the geripsych. She went to a nursing home and a month later to an mcf.

Don't not be deceived it is not an easy thing to do but it was necessary, you need to steel yourself to do what needs to be done. You need to at least get an evaluation with medication to change his behavior or meds and a mcf.

I hope you recover fully and may things you need to do go well.

Stewart

Jeanne C.

Please take the advice above. If 911 can't help you when the crisis has passed then you need a plan to remove yourself and call 911 the moment he becomes agitated again. I know it feels bad, but remember that you need to keep yourself and him safe. Keeping you both in my thoughts.

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Jo C.

Lizblock; I am deeply sorry; how shocking for you. That is certainly cringe worthy to hear; couple of months ago, my DH had a laminectomy with fusion and I can only imagine . . . . . do you feel alright? How is your back feeling; if feeling uncomfortable or affected physically in ANY way at all, it may be a good idea to make an appt. with your surgeon to ensure all is stable.

This is a very important occurrence. Your husband is operating on impulse without appreciating consequences; this does not bode well, especially if you are going to be a target. Do not expect you can chastise him or have him understand, etc. and have him retain that OR to appreciate consequences. It is all about a broken brain with him acting abruptly in a split second on impulse.

Whether he has a dementia specialist or primary care MD managing his care, it would be best to contact that physician and inform him/her of the violence of the impulse attack made with no stimulus AND request their assistance in getting him admitted into a GeroPsych setting. That would give you safety while getting him evaluated and meds adjusted and meeting his new needs before anything truly horrific should happen.

If there is no current contact with physicians, next best choice is to get him to an ER; let the MD there know (and choice of words is important) that there are NEW changes in his condition and behaviors including new onset of physical attacks. "New changes" is important for ER and insurance coverage. AND at that point in the ER, request can be made and he can be admitted to GeroPsych whether at that facility if they have one, or in transfer to another med center that has one. It would be an involuntary admission which is usually for 72 hours at which time the patient is reassessed by the Psychiatrist and entire care team to extend the length of stay as medically necessary and extension of stay is usually warranted.

PLEASE see the link above that Victoria has provided with the discussion re GeroPsych with another member.

Also, do follow the safety precautions of having your cell phone with you at all times and if you cannot get out of the house or your husband's way in case of further attack; know which rooms in the house have locking doors and how to get to such a room quickly.

Another thing to do is to remove any and all items that can be swiftly picked up and used as a weapon. No guns in the house; all knives locked away in a cupboard so they are not easily seen; same with scissors, hammers, wrenches, other tools, golf clubs, etc. Anything that is easily weaponized should be removed or locked up should impulse attack once again occur with you as the intended victim.

Do you sleep in the same room? If not, is there a locking door knob on your bedroom door? Just a question.

If your husband gets to GeroPsych, as the above link describes, he will be cared for in regard to his dementia needs and meds adjusted or initiated with assessment as to how he responds to the meds and any side effects.

NOTE: If you are being attacked, or he is threatening to attack and it appears that is serious; PLEASE call 911 immediately. That is NOT an embarrassment nor a negative, it is a necessity before something gosh-awful happens. Let the person taking your call know he has dementia and he is attacking or threatening to attack and it is serious. When the officers arrive, if he is acting out or even if he has calmed a bit, ask for an ambulance to be called for transport to the ER as he requires care. Once that is accomplished then the goal is GeroPsych.

Also, you CANNOT be forced to take him home. You stick to your guns that he is dangerous, you have been attacked and you cannot care for him due to the danger. Period.

Please let us know how you are and how things are going; we will certainly be thinking of you and are concerned on your behalf.

J.

Dio

Ditto everything everyone already said! It doesn't matter "why" he opted for the most painful spot to inflict pain. He's ill, and his brain is not functioning as a normal person would. Protect yourself. Stay vigilant.

My DH would never hit me or touch me with brute force when he wasn't afflicted with this wicked disease. But when he started grabbing my wrists and arms till they bruised. I called 911. Please mention to dispatcher that your LO suffers from dementia. The dispatcher will note this and hopefully the police sent will be trained to handle dementia sufferers. It made a world of difference whether they're trained or not.

JeriLynn66

@lizblock , Jo C. has given expert and sound advice for your situation.. please do keep yourself safe… sending best wishes… Jeri

harshedbuzz

@lizblock

I am very sorry for the situation in which you find yourself.

You've gotten some stellar advice so far-- especially that from @Jo C.

My dad was similar. While he could be unpleasant with my mom, he'd never been physically aggressive until he reached a point in the middle stages where he'd lost his social filter, any empathy he'd had for mom and the executive function (the ability to process cause and effect). He was angry with the changes in his circumstances (mom making decisions and his general loss of independence) and was very impulsive. It's a dangerous combination.

It no longer matters what he was like pre-dementia, you need to take steps for your safety now. He could kill you or render you totally disabled which would put him into the criminal justice system without an effective advocate if the first responders don't shoot him on sight.

In your shoes, I would take the steps today to have him transported to a geri psych unit for a medication management stay. This will give you time to sort out next steps. Perhaps he could be cared for at home if effectively medicated, but sending him to a MCF/SNF could be a safer choice going forward. It doesn't have to be forever; as the disease progresses, he will likely become less of a threat.

With my dad, we did an out-patient geri-psych (I was able to get a quick cancelation) and medication which did dial back his aggression and violent thoughts for a time. We also set the house up to be as safe as possible- phone on mom's person 24/7 with numbers for police, ambulance and geri-psych units, locks on doors, egress plan, all weapons, small tables, heavy lamps, fry pans, decor, etc removed from the house. I also got mom dementia training as some of her reaction to him was clearly triggering. It was OK for a time with 3 psychoactive meds on board, but with progression he started with murder ideation so we had him placed within a week. Mom planned to bring him home once he calmed down, but never acted on it. He was much better behaved in MC and mom was able to enjoy her visits without worry.

HB

Jo C.

LIz, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing and how things are going. Sending warm thoughts your way,

J.