My son is pulling away from my mom, need advice

TeriLou

My mom has Alzheimer's disease. She got diagnosed a few year ago. She is in a memory care facility and thriving. I am an only child and had to move in with her during the pandemic. She has been at the facility for over a year. She is in the moderate stages. She knows who I am and my husband, but struggles with knowing her sister who I take to see her each week.

I have 2 sons, one who is in his early 30's and totally understands the disease and rolls with the punches. He lives in another country now and can only FaceTime with her when I am there. My other son, who lives local, does not want to see my mom. They share a birthday and have always celebrated it together. They were always incredibly close, I am devastated. He won't engage in conversations with her, if I have her at my house or visit her. He tells me it is hard for him so he pulls away. I am petrified if I get this disease (my grandmother and all of her daughters have/had it) he will do the same with me. It is hard, but the education courses help. I have offered to discuss it with him, he get mad and pulls away. I spoke at length to his finance' about my concerns. She knows he could use counseling but they have not done anything about it.

I am in the process of drafting him a letter telling him how I feel and offering to talk about it and send him resources. At 28 years old I can't make him want to see her or even be educated. She has 2 grandsons, my husband and I, that's it. I am just beyond sad, I keep thinking what if I have grandchildren I helped raise (didn't miss any school or sporting events) would I be hurt of absolutely! Does anyone have any advice. I would really appreciate it.

M1

Welcome to the forum Terilou. This is not what you want to hear, but i would let it go. As you've already acknowledged, you can't change his feelings or his behavior. the only person you can control here is yourself.

People react differently to dementia. My partner only has one sister left from her family of origin, but this sister is so devastated by the very thought of seeing my partner in MC that she cannot bring herself to visit. Many others pull away also. It's a common response, and I have too much else to worry about than to try to keep up with who does what.

I suspect you might have better luck with an empathetic, open-ended invitation for him to share his feelings, if he wats to, than by telling him how you feel. He probably senses your disapproval already.

Emily 123

Hello,

I don't think this means he doesn't love her. It may not be a reflection of uncaring, but of caring very much indeed, preferring to remember how she was. For some people that's a way to honor the relationship. People deal with things differently.

I agree with M1. Allow him to express his care from a distance if he chooses to. It may be that your mother isn't able to keep up with the family coming and goings, might not be aware, and so no harm done. My older brother is not comfortable expressing emotions much, but he'll share videos and pictures that I can show my mom, and she enjoys them.

harshedbuzz

@TeriLou

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

It sounds to my ear like you have 2 issues here. The first is that your mom has a small family which leaves you without a lot of people on whom you can call to share the responsibility of making your mom feel loved on. I can totally appreciate that. I am my parents' only surviving child. I try hard to look at the positive side of this-- I don't have to form consensus with a troublesome sibling(s) who is(are) no help but is in denial or looking to preserve assets for an inheritance.

It would be nice if your son was emotionally able to engage with your mom, but he isn't, and it doesn't sound as though he is open to working on it. This is his time to be building a career and relationship with his future wife and it is best he focus on that if it's all the bandwidth he has. Perhaps with maturity and lived experience, he will grow. But I suspect if you force him into something he can't do, he will pull away from you as well.

I wonder if there is a reason your son is pulling away that perhaps he hasn't shared with you. In the early middle stages of dementia before dad was officially diagnosed, he got confused and slipped into bed with my niece for some action. Mom tried to blow it off as dad "joking around" and it ruined niece's relationship with both. FTR, niece had been mostly raised by my parents after her mom got sick so we're talking a level of grandparenting a notch above attending ballgames and school plays. Perhaps your mom has accused your son of something he didn't do or confuse him for someone else and he can't be OK with that. My dad routinely accused me of stealing from him; I was able to let it roll off my back but if I were younger maybe it would have been a deal breaker.

The other piece to this is relying on your son as a LTC plan. If you have one son overseas and another who has shown you that he doesn't have the disposition for caregiving, that is valuable information you can use to create a plan for your future needs whatever they turn out to be. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. My only child has a high functioning form of autism; while he'd do anything for me the cost of caregiving would be a burden I wouldn't want to put on him, so DH and I have made other plans for now.

HB

terei

Is your mother asking for him? If not, I would leave it alone.

psg712

Agree that you can't force him into a more involved relationship with your mom. If they were close before, he is no doubt grieving the loss of the relationship they once had and can't bring himself to watch her decline up close.

My mom has 2 brothers that she hasn't seen in several years. I have tried to give them periodic updates on her, and have considered laying it out that if they want to see her while she still has a chance of recognizing and enjoying them, they had ought to get here soon ... but they are men of a certain generation, and they can't seem to face it head on. I love them but can't take on their issues while I deal with mom's daily needs. They know that they are welcome to visit anytime. I don't want some petty ultimatum to stand between us at her funeral, so I am letting it go.

TeriLou

Thank you all so much for your advice!!! Because i don’t want to push him even farther away I will be gentle with my comments and be a good listener. I have been totally understanding up to this point. Now I’m just sad. I will do my best!

Thank you again for all your sage advice!

painted lady

I think there’s a difference between expecting your sons to participate in caregiving and to make an effort to socialize/ engage with your mother. To me anyway, it seems like you are looking for the latter. And yeah, I think that’s a reasonable expectation, given their closeness in the past. I mean sure we’d all like to not sully fond memories by confronting the present, but I can’t help but feel that’s a little selfish. I wouldn’t keep trying to pressure them, though- ultimately it’s something that they need to feel is right to do on their own.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

eaglemom

I'm going to take my PV cap off for this response.

I can very much relate - just a slightly different people involved. Our dynamics involve our only son & his father with the diagnosis. Twelve years ago our son wanted to know the diagnosis, etc. He was going to be involved, have family night, etc, blah blah blah. All of which I knew would not happen.

We were involved in several support groups and tried to 'share' with him what they were about. Nope, he wanted no part of it and he immediately blamed me from his dad's condition. And walked away. At first I tried to reason with him - but he doesn't answer his phone - so all I could / can do is text him. And he doesn't respond. I tried several things, all to no avail, I even apologized that he would think I could cause this horrid disease. Nothing. Our friends, who had known him his entire life reached out to him - he totally ignored them - and continues to ignore them. If I text a 'happy birthday' or 'happy anniversary' to him - maybe, just maybe within 5 days he'll respond with 'thanks.' But nothing more. He never sends either one of us a text, never has. He lives 30 miles from us & frankly his behavior is the most ridiculous immature embarrassing thing I've ever seen. Until I realized this has absolutely nothing to do with either his father or I - but totally to do with him. Our door is open and he knows it. His pride won't let him come through yet, but again, that's his issue and not ours.

All of that to say - let your son handle this in his way. You can't force him. He has to want the relationship once again. Yes it hurts, but you can't change it. If I could change our situation I certainly would have by now, but I can't.

eagle