suggestions needed.

RayKarla

My DH has gotten to the point with his Alzheimer’s I am afraid of him and I have made the hardest decision ever to put him in a group home.

What do I do to make this easier on him and me? He won't understand or remember if I try to explain why I am taking him or why I am leaving him there. How do I do this?

I will be going Tuesday to fill out all the paperwork and to set up his room. I will of course ask them the easiest way to handle the taking him there and leaving. They already told me to give them at least a month to visit. Say it will be easier for him with making the adjustment.

But, I thought on here if you have had to go through this you could help me more. I feel like I am letting him down. He does not know who I am anymore, but knows I am the one always here for him.

Thank you for any advice on how to handle this will be appreciated.

Ed1937

I'm sorry this is so hard. It always is. Now is the time for fiblets. Tell him the doctor said he has to go there for rehab until he gets a little better. You will pick him up as soon as the doctor says it's OK. Or use that or any other fiblet you can think of. Maybe there is some structural work that needs to be done on your house because the foundation is failing. He will have to move out until it is done. Don't tell him that the move will be permanent. Whatever you tell him, you can probably tell him day after day because he likely won't remember.

You didn't fail him. You took care of him as long as you could. NO guilt!

Pat6177

RayCarla, I have not had to do this yet but I have a few suggestions based on reading here. First, you are not letting him down. You are doing the very difficult yet responsible thing and making this decision with your head and not your heart. You are making this decision while you are still ok and will be around to monitor his care and support him and continue to be his wife. If you don’t place him, then you could encounter your own health issues and not be available for him at all. Then it would be a crisis situation and someone else would be picking a facility for him and helping him transition. You are very wise to do this in an orderly fashion and to not procrastinate. It is truly the best thing for him.

The staff will be the best ones to advise you in the drop off since they will coordinate with you. Often, they suggest that you and your DH come for lunch and then they will distract him while you quietly leave. I agree with Ed - use a fiblet. Do not tell him the truth. This disease will prevent him from understanding any explanation. It will be heartbreaking for you and will probably just leave your DH upset. I’m sure others will chime in tomorrow. This will be a difficult week for you. Let us know how it goes.

M1

It is gutwrenching, but probably harder on you than on him, we can hope there is some mercy for our loved ones in their lack of memory and understanding. There are many of us here who have been through this. Keep us posted on how it goes.

Joe C.

RayCarla, I echo Ed’s advice on finding a fiblet that works. I have heard of people saying there were termites or mold in the house and others that said they had a medical issue that needed hospitalization and the placement was only going to be until you recovered. If your husband has an issue he has always been concerned with that might work as a fiblet it’s probably the best basis for the fiblet. I hope the placement goes smoothly. Good luck.

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Jazzma

I'm approaching this decision with my husband of 32 years. He's not dangerous to me, but he is more and more difficult to care for and cannot be left alone any more. It's exhausting and emotionally devastating. I'm having the same self-talk, but maybe with more doubts as he isn't dangerous. It's just so very hard. I believe that ultimately that move will be a good thing for him in that he'll be safe and likely no more confused than he is here. I know it will be horrendously difficult for me. Remember that you have done so very much for him and you are not abandoning him. You are doing the only thing you can to keep him safe and comfortable. And, as others have said, let yourself relax into your new life with full nights' sleep and the freedom to do things for yourself. You have done well.

RayKarla

Thank you all for your suggestions and the kind words knowing how hard this was going to be.

I took my husband last Thursday the 8th of October. The care givers were wonderful and My husband smiled the biggest smile (that I have not seen in years). I told him I was taking him to the farm and he was good with that. He acted like we had been there before, and was good with that explanation . I had went out a few days earlier to set up his room. I didn't even go inside when I took him Thursday. The owners are wonderful and keep me updated on how he is adjusting. They asked me to give him a couple weeks to adjust so that is what I am doing.

I kept busy deep cleaning our house this last weekend. Just one day at a time. Awful quite. I am giving myself some time than I will start dong things I haven't been able to do, Church, little trips, get back to my quilting, etc.

Thank you all so much and I am staying on here hoping I can help someone like you all did me. Also, Im sure when I go for my first visit out to see him I will need all the support I can get from you all!

Dio

Good for you! May the days ahead be smooth and that you'll be able to feel alive again.

Ed1937

I'm glad everything seems to be going smoothly. That is a huge win for you (and him). It will take some time getting used to it, but you should feel much better before long.

LJCHR

I agree with everyone-the part that caught my attention was “I am afraid of him”. You had to protect yourself and you did. I’m so sorry that you are going thru this-I’ve always said I want to keep my DH at home, unless it becomes a potential danger to me. I haven’t gotten there but am aware one day I may.

Elshack

I hope that you know that you did the very best thing for him and for you. My DH is a very peaceful person and I had to place him in memory care a year ago as I could no longer care for him in our small apartment and also take care of his serious bathroom problems (explosive diarrhea due to Crohn's disease ) He is happy there and he never has asked to come home. They have activities there although he is on pureed food and on hospice. This place has 16 residents in memory care and I am sure your group home will work out. Get your sleep and know that he is being taken care of. Be sure when you visit, you don't ask ..how are you etc? ... but just have a smile on your face and pretend that all is well.

Take care of yourself! Please don't second guess your decision. Sending virtual (((hugs))) to you.