adult son vs DH

mcguava

Hi- new here :-(

My adult son is living with us, and with DH's diagnosis in August 2023, had been so supportive. Against all advice DH travelled to the UK on his own, and son and I went from LA to retrieve him... at the behest of friends and family there. After witnessing DH's hostility toward me, son is now making snarky comments and acting out himself. I told him it was not helpful.

Comments appreciated!

eaglemom

Welcome to the message boards. I think we're going to need a tiny bit more information before we know how to help you. Your DH travelled alone and you have to go and get him - correct? Did you not want to go with him to begin with? Was he planning on staying in the UK but the people there weren't accepting of him? Would he not come back on his own?

Your adult son - before DH's diagnosis did they get along? Has your son does anything to help him understand what DH's condition is & how its affecting him?

I'm sorry for so many questions. Its just not a lot to go on. Is your son thinking he's protecting you from DH with the comments?

eagle

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SDianeL

So sorry you are going through this. Please have your son read the book "The 36 Hour Day" so he will understand what your DH is going through. Is he lashing out at you or him? If you, you should put a stop to it immediately. That's unacceptable. If it's to him, he needs to learn what is happening to him and why you are being the caregiver that you are. Many family members have denial and since they are not the primary caregiver don't believe that the person with memory loss really has it. People with dementia are great at hiding it around others. Only if you spend 24 hours a day do you really know what's going on. Tell your son that. Maybe video what's going on or documenting it. Or maybe leave for a few days and let your son become the caregiver so he can see what's happening. Agitation & anger are common with dementia. There are medications that can help. As others have said your first priority is to get with an attorney and get him to sign a DPOA before he can no longer do so. I'm so glad I did. Within just a few months, my DH could no longer read or understand documents or sign his name. Don't delay.

mcguava

I KNEW I hadn't put in enough info!

My son is *4 0* and my DH and I have been married for 24 years. Their relationship has always been awkward, but son became so helpful and kind when explaining things.

I was against the solo travel, and 2 doctors also said he should not travel alone. This was before the official diagnosis, but after the 4 hour neurocognitive test. DH was bristly with me and booked his tickets without telling me. I offered to go, too, even though not a travel fan. He gave me an instant and blunt NO. I arranged special assistance w/British Airways, but I'm sure that once he got to Heathrow London, they asked if he was ok and he would've answered yes. However, passersby alerted police and it turns out he had walked around the airport for FIVE HOURS. The daughter who was meeting him was frantic.

After another incident, when he was staying with a friend, all the relations and friends he'd planned to visit urgently asked me to get him. I invited son, who at first didn't want to go, but decided to, and I thought it would be good in case I needed some "muscle." (I didn't) Also counted on the emotional support I HAD been getting.

I've passed along the information from Alz Assn as I'm learning it to son. He told me he was miffed when I didn't take his advice, before he read a bit.

mcguava

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/184771#Comment_184771

It was ok as he couldn't remember his PIN

JJ401

He might not have remembered his pin, but that does not mean that you don't need to go over all the finances. You need to sit down with an elder lawyer and review everything in your, his, and joint ownership. You need to be sure your understanding of things is accurate.

You may have been married a significant time and have had a great relationship with his son, but illness and finances often change things. You need an accurate understanding of the law where you live (it can be different in different states) and how it relates to your particular circumstances.

I suggest you make an appointment with an elder lawyer and not tell either husband or his son. You are finding out information for yourself. When you have digested the information and made a plan, then is the time to discuss it with them.

You need to take care of yourself and knowledge is power.

Iris L.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. The trip is over and done with. You need to take precautions going forward. What type of comments were you looking for?

Iris

ButterflyWings

McGuava - glad you found us though very sorry for the need. It sounds like you had a whirlwind there, and yep, that is dementia for you. It also sounds like your DH dodged a bullet in some ways with so many very obvious things that thankfully did not go VERY wrong on such an excursion, but the members are telling you the real deal right now.

This was a warning shot that many of us don't get as spouse caregivers. There is a real potential for predators including "friends" and other family who will happily exploit DH and you financially in this limbo time where he can showtime somewhat independently. Please see a CELA quickly to be sure you are protecting assets for you and him. This is a 3 alarm fire. Don't wait.

Is this your adult son and DH's stepson? Does he have any disability or special needs? It hurts when other LOs don't understand or see what you see as primary caregiver, but we have to try & shake that off while running like the wind to put protections in place. As my DH's neuro doc team said upon diagnosis...you are in charge now.

Sobering, but very real. You can do this, but as our forum mates are saying - we have to focus on what is REALLY important when dementia shows up, try not to sweat the small stuff, put on our big girl and guy pants, and develop a really thick skin or forcefield for the words and opinions of people whose 2 cents isn't helpful nor even particularly accurate.

I'm sorry another family has been thrown into the fire. That's what this horrible disease and all that it brings, feels like. You are not alone. Get as much information as you can, as quickly as you can - freeze his credit, disappear those cards, disable the car he may drive, remove anything at home that can be weaponized, and don't try to convince someone whose brain is broken to do or not do anything. Don't ask, don't tell, and fiblets are crucial tools in our survival kit now. Let go of how you used to relate to your DH. It is not easy, but you can do it. We do. Every day. Not easy or fun, but necessary. Sadly, this is a very big, very experienced club. Just try not to let his dementia run the show. There is help here.

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mcguava

Thank you everyone. It is my son, DH's stepson. He also has depression & ADHD and is not consistent with his meds.

I appreciate Victoria2020's comment about total strangers.

We have an appointment next week for life planning, and we're getting a durable power of attorney notarized ASAP.

mcguava

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/184803#Comment_184803

"precautions going forward" was good.

mcguava

Also, my son is so protective of me, he doesn't like seeing the changed behavior of his step dad, so out comes the anger and snark.

I wish he'd read the stuff I give him. I've ordered The 36 Hour Day. DH and I watched Recovery with David Tennant on YouTube last night. Gave a good view of how the whole family is affected.

ButterflyWings

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185039#Comment_185039

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8Vhxbho1fY Here is a link to the film McGuava mentioned. "Recovery"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8Vhxbho1fY

harshedbuzz

@mcguava

The 36-Hour Day is a great book. But it's a lot to ask of an individual who isn't all that interested in caregiving. You might have better luck getting him to read a shorter piece like this free download.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

When you do your legal paperwork, it is important that your agent of the POA is not your DH as going forward he will be unable to act as your advocate. Sometimes CELAs will create a dummy document to be signed and destroyed to avoid upsetting a PWD.

HB

mcguava

harshedbuzz, thanks: it's a lot to ask of an individual who isn't all that interested in caregiving. You might have better luck getting him to read a shorter piece like this free download.

And thanks: Sometimes CELAs will create a dummy document to be signed and destroyed to avoid upsetting a PWD

Iris L.

If you are interested in family stories, Glen Campbell's family made a thoughtful documentary about his dementia journey, called "I'll Be Me." I believe it is available online.

Iris

Iris L.

I'm watching this movie online now. It's about traumatic brain injury. The injured have a chance to recover--not so with dementia, which is progressive and terminal.

Iris

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