Setting boundaries -- family with PWD wants to visit

housefinch

Looking for perspective on whether I’m being reasonable or unfair here. I’m about to tell my mom that we can no longer host my stepdad as a houseguest because it’s too stressful for our family.

My mom is caregiver for my stepdad (moderate dementia, likely Alzheimer's). They live in another state. My mom wants to visit my family soon with my stepdad (Stage 5-6?). He has unmanaged intermittent incontinence of both kinds, doesn’t wash his hands after using bathroom consistently, intermittent agitation and irritability, etc. Both my kids have autism, 1 with intellectual disability and is immune compromised due to medication for an additional chronic disease. My stepdad is unaware of what day it is, what he did yesterday, and seemed intermittently unsure who my sisters were last month at a visit.

On top of everything, my mom wants to fly with my stepdad a month after they moved from their house of 20 years. And she now walks with a cane. I can only assume she thinks he can find his way to and from the gate and the bathroom? Very frustrated.

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housefinch

@Victoria2020 thanks so much again. I’m going to call the aging care manager and discuss my concerns.

eaglemom

Housefinch I was wondering if you'd made that call? Who exactly is an aging care manager? That is a term that I am not familiar with.

As for having your mom and stepdad stay in your house, I believe you already know that answer. Yes, sometimes the best answers are the most painful to make. You just can't subject your family to the different dynamics that having them stay brings on. It's really that simple. I would venture her feelings will be hurt, which is understandable. While they stay and after they leave your picking up the pieces, so to speak, which isn't fair to your family. Other arrangements must be made.

eagle

jfkoc

The travel/change would be detrimental for him.