Looking for a bit of help

emhanson

My husband is so confused. We have the same conversations every day-many about the pills he is taking. He will just randomly stop taking a drug (he's on 10 drugs to keep him alive for heart problems). I work with his doctors and try to find solutions. I think we have a good regimen now. It's just so soul sucking and time consuming. He asks the same questions every day and I try to answer helpfully, even though we have been through these questions many times over. He will fixate on some house problem that doesn't really need immediate attention and then want to call someone to fix it. (We are on a fixed income). He doesn't drive. I take care of everything financial and all the meals, cleaning, yard work etc. I don't know what I am really saying here, but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I am all ears. My parents are in ill health too (Mom with dementia and dad with physical problems) and they refuse to access care. They live several hours from here and I am travelling there again this week.

Jeanne C.

Sorry that you need this forum but welcome. The people here have been an incredible help to me.

You didn't say how far along your husband is with dementia, but it sounds like he can no longer manage his own meds. I had to take over meds for my husband some time ago. I set everything up out of his sight and then lock the pill bottles away. I literally hand him his pills and a drink. It took a little while for him to get used to it, but it's no problem now. I am sorry to say that you're going to have to change your reaction to the repeated questions because he can't. It helps to redirect and frankly use fibs to get him on a new topic. Example: if he is insisting on a repair, tell him that you already called and you're on the waiting list.

If you haven't yet, get your legal documents in order. You'll need medical and durable POA (power of attorney). See a certified eldercare law attorney as soon as you can.

It's a lot of work being a caregiver, but we'll be here for you.

Pat6177

Shortly after my DH was diagnosed, a friend whose father had died from dementia told me that I would have to change because my DH wasn’t able to change. I was quite upset with that comment but have come to find that it is so true. Acceptance isn’t something that comes overnight but it really helps with my stress level and ability to cope with the repeated questions and comments. I must accept that he has this disease and that he is doing the best that he can. Acceptance helps take away my self pity and not feeling sorry for myself helps me accept the situation so much better. But it is a process and some days I do better than other days.

Jeanne’s advice to use fibs is so good. I often make the mistake of answering him as it he has a functioning mind. But that is disappearing. He can’t understand a real explanation and it just confuses and irritates him. It’s difficult to start using the fiblets and takes practice. But it does simplify things. And sometimes, I don’t use a fiblet as much as I just provide a very simple explanation. Since you’ll need to repeat it 10 times, keep it very short.

Hang in there! Keep reading the threads here on the forum, you’ll learn a lot!

Denise1847

Welcome to the forum. You will find support and help from these wonderful people. I would add to the suggestions above to read the "36 Hour Day" to become familiar with the disease. Also, view Tepa Snow on You Tube. These will help deal with so many things. When we are initially confronted with the behaviors of this disease, we aren't prepared for the repetitive questions, bizarre behaviors because we are looking at the world from our "normal" lense. Once we learn about the world our loved ones are in "Alice in Wonderland", it really helps us grasps the deficits and struggles they are experiencing.

Please consider professional counseling, support groups and even medication for yourself. It took me awhile to admit I needed help, but I am glad I did. You may find you get angry and resentful. It is important to differentiate what or who you are angry at. Discern that it is the situation and disease that angers you, not your loved one who is the victim of it.

God bless and keep posting. We are here for you.

JeriLynn66

You don’t say which state you are in but there may be care resources available.. keep posting questions. Everyone here is traveling the same road and will be happy to answer questions and provide immense emotional support ❤️

M1

Welcome to the forum. Im concerned that trying to care for your husband as well as your parents is going to be overwhelming. Do you have siblings who can help your parents? Are you leaving your husband by himself when you go see your folks? Both situations sound like they need legal input regarding powers of attorney and financial planning. Keep us posted.

Ed1937

Welcome aboard. Also sorry you have a need for the forum, but it is a good one. You will get help and understanding here, and that is hard to find elsewhere.

You have some good replies above. Learning how to fully accept this disease, learning more about use of fiblets, and seeing a CELA (certified elder law attorney) are three things that will make your life easier, although it will not be easy. Any time it gets really hard, bring your concerns here. Help will be on the way.

Here is a link about dementia that is very helpful. https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/1/understanding-the-dementia-experience#hlangandcommun  

And a video about anosognosia, a condition that is very common. Why your loved one doesn't believe they have dementia- It's NOT denial.