H

Merla

gg

harshedbuzz

@Merla

Your goal to be seen as her ally at this time is spot-on. This will make everything easier for you both.

Apologizing can often smooth a relationship when a PWD has lost all empathy and reason. A lot will depend on what "Crime" she is holding against you.

I will say it did work for me when I finally decided to give it a go after reading it as a suggestion on repeat. TBH, I did not expect it to work for me; dad and I never enjoyed an easy relationship, and he had reason to fear me as I was the one who got him diagnosed which led to his loss of autonomy.

He was angry and paranoid and was stuck on a couple of delusions that triggered difficult behavior. Mom and I were taking him to the geri psych, but he would showtime and I score really well on his MMSE/MoCA scales, so I suspect the doctor thought we just wanted him sedated for our convenience. He was constantly on mom for cheating on him and on me for selling his house for $360K less than it was worth. I, of course, did not do this and later discovered that amount which was a constant in his accusations was the amount of money he lost day-trading earlier in the disease.

One day when he was yanking on this trope, I suggested the real story to him and he became incensed. This was deliberate on my part as I wanted a video clip of him raging for the geri psych so he'd know what mom was living with. After I got my video, I apologized for selling the house too cheaply and promised never to do it again. I was gobsmacked when he not only accepted my apology, he dropped it going forward. I did get accused of other crimes and misdemeanors, but an apology and redirection tended to cool things off fairly quickly.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

Being syrupy sweet (I got so tired of this), apologizing for things even when you’re not to blame, thanking your LO often, validating your LO feelings may go a long way. Lots of “I love you” and “I’m here for you” were also commonly on our path. Taking blame for things, as an example, didnt really impact me, yet soothed my mother. After some sign of calm, redirection may help too or even redirection on its own. These practices aided in our journey immensely.

I hope you find some peace soon. So sorry for these troubles.

lharris34

I am in the same boat. Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's not even a year ago and has declined quickly. After a hospitalization for an illness, then rehab he has worsened and moved to AL. He has always been a glass half empty guy and it has exponentially worsened, and I am at fault for everything. I agree that being syrupy sweet can help pacify the anger. I use buffers such as my husband bc dad won't give me nearly such a hard time when he is present. I also just try to physically wear him down by keeping him active and then redirect him. I equate it to distracting a toddler who is unhappy but can't articulate why. In the meantime, the priority is to keep him safe, cared for and maintain as much quality of life as possible.

It's exhausting, thankless and extremely frustrating. Take breaks, get out in the sun, and try to laugh about something every day. Eat good, sleep good. Be patient with yourself. One day at a time.

Bakerbaker713

I am new here, and this post resonates with me. My Mom is frequently angry with me for reasons that don't make sense, and I struggle so hard with how to handle it. I see the advice about apologizing and being syrupy sweet, etc- I wish I could make myself do this. I have no advice, but wish you a positive way forward.