Post MC Placement New kind of ugly

ThisLife

I placed my H on 9/1. Some time to catch up around the house. Took my trip home and back on 9/30. Placement was "because I had to work" though he is going to be staying. Weekdays there are more activities and he rarely called. Weekends he had more down time and would call to see when he is coming home several times a day.

Since placement it has been Ground Hog Day. All information is new every. single. day. He couldn't remember I was out of town. More and more belligerent phone calls to come take him home. He fell Saturday and is fine. Ugly phone call on Sunday about coming to get him right then! No work on Monday so I decided to bite the bullet and explain he was not coming home anytime soon because I had to work.

Not coming home was an argument because he is fine to be at home. Saying he was there until the doctor releases him from PT, which he has, was a no go. Pointing out all of the activities and social engagement he has there is met with "there is nothing to do here." Even though they have sent short videos/pics showing him helping with "chores", walking outside with a staff member led "walking club", playing pool with staff and residents. There are 2-4 activities on the calendar each day that he participates in. He just can't remember he has done anything soon after it is over.

Now I get multiple calls every day wanting a date for when he is coming home. (I only take one call per day. The rest I delete without listening to the voice mail. And I know he thinks he hasn't talked to me.) I tell him not right now. "When was this decided?"

What a horrible disease and what a horrible way to live!

Dio

Not sure what the law says, but here in CA I couldn't forcably push DH into the memory care facility. He would have to walk in voluntarily or be transported in via ambulance. What I don't know is, once inside the facility and a resident demands to go home, what happens then?

M1

ThisLife, how is he making these phone calls? Literally no residents in our MC facility have cell phones. It's probably time to limit his access.

GiGi1963

Reading you experience placing your DH sounds like what I will surely go through when it's time. No peace either way. I hope he settles down. You deserve me time.

ThisLife

Thank you all for your comments,

Dio, I think most states have the same protections as CA. I don't know what happens if tells the staff he wants to leave. Not sure if I should preemptively apply for guardianship. He walked in willingly, helped unpack and put away his things away. Then he started in on me about he didn't need to be there.

M1: He is one of two MC residents who have a cell phone. I've thought of disappearing it. He only calls me and only in memory care. When I would leave the house, he didn't call me.

GiGi1963: I'm hoping he will settle down.

A little more background: H was walking our two golden retrievers 5-6 times a day. One was refusing to go with him for most walks. I intervened when he tried forcing her. I was also using the excuse that it was too hot for the dogs during the summer heat. Lots of anger and belligerence but it kept all of them in the house. Until two weeks before I placed him when he started leaving for walks without the dogs, his phone or air tag in his wallet. (The dogs both have air tags on their collars.) They're healthy but will be 9 yrs. old next week.

His PCP and doctors at the VA have told me not to leave him alone or let him leave the house alone. He is verbally abusive and has broken household items when angry. He hasn't been physically abusive, yet. But he has tried to intimidate me by getting in my face and screaming. If I try to keep him from walking the dogs and place locks so he cannot leave, he will get physical. He is EO and only 72. He is capable of kicking in doors or worse. I've spent the last three of ten years placating him.

If he comes home the dogs and I will leave. I will no longer work and live in the environment he creates because of his disease and anosognosia. I know the disease leaves him no control; it's not him. I simply can't care for him.

He is in a facility with plenty of activities which I have pictures and videos of him smiling and participating in. He tells me there is nothing to do...because he can't remember what he did 5 minutes ago. He can't tell you what he ate just after leaving the table.

Sorry, this ended up being more of a rant. Not my intention. But all my reality. H's reality is difference.

Dio

Rant away, ThisLife. We get you. We all go through similar. Some scarier and more harrowing than others. I had called 911 3x in 2 weeks. The final straw was incontinence and refusing/fighting not to be changed when he was soiled and leaked all over his pants. Among many other issues, he was getting more physical when I asked him to shower/shave/brush teeth/wash face...all the hygiene stuff. Daily. Nightly. He'd get into my face, grab my shoulders, and shake me like a leaf screaming "I'VE DONE THIS ALREADY! HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO DO THIS?" This was the moment I silently said to myself, "This is it. You're going to memory care!"

But memory care wasn't the end all. While I don't have to face the daily grind, I'm living on pins and needles fearful of when the next shoe drops. Lately, he's gotten more aggressive and mean. He'd slam the door on staff and his roommate when he didn't want them to enter. HIS ROOMMATE. Now his roommate's family is involved...what a mess?! Deparately hoping new meds will help. So far, all the adjustments these past 5 months have not curbed his aggression. In fact, it's getting worse. But his neurologist is going the "low and slow" route. Yet, we're in crisis mode! ...sigh. I'd have to pay for private room ($5K/mo. more), or get evicted if his aggression isn't controlled.

Iris L.

ThisLife, if his memory is that impaired, try this. Talk up the new place and say you're thinking about moving in too, as soon as ...(some repair is over, rents come down, something along these lines).

Dio, have you consulted a geriatric psychiatrist? They are the ones with expertise in the anti-psychotic drugs. Your DH may need to be hospitalized in order to titrate the medication a bit faster.

Iris

Dio

Iris, thanks for the suggestion. I have not consulted a geriatric psychiatrist. DH suffers from LBD. I don't even know where to begin getting help from geriatric psychiatrist. I've read that some folks were taken to the ER then admitted to a geriatric psych ward. With LBD, I understand it can be especially difficult to find the right combination of meds. His current neurologist is supposed to be the best at Stanford with special focus on Alzheimer's and LBD. Wondering if there's a difference between approaches, like clinical vs. behavior management? We've tried close to 10 different meds since this journey began. MC director agrees with the current prescribed meds, but he thinks the dosages are way too low for DH.

ThisLife

Dio, Thank you for your kind comments. Because of your and many other's experiences, I went with placement now. You endured a lot prior to placement and went the extra mile to keep your DH home. You have my admiration, such a scary time. My H is Alzheimer's and vascular dementia, so not as challenging to treat as LBD. And I went with the private room exactly because of the behavior ($5K, discount price.) The private room will placate the roommate's family, but not address the issues the staff faces.

I think Iris has a good idea with the Geriatric Psychiatrist. In my personal experience with psychiatrists versus PCP, I found the psychiatrist to be more aggressive in increasing dosages. It sounds like your neurologist has the background for LBD, but not moving fast enough for the circumstances. That's where the geriatric psychiatrist may be a better choice. Please keep us posted.

Iris, I have talked up the MC but not with I'm considering moving in, too. I'm gonna try that. Funnily related: I was asked if I wanted to move in too. My head saying, "Yeah, I want to be in even a smaller space with the angry man," On the other hand, when I was talking the place up last Monday, my head was going, "Man, I wish I had someone to do all this stuff for me." while contemplating my to-do list for the week. 😂

Dio

Just a chuckle... When I was researching MC facilities, I told DH how nice some of these places were, that I'd love to move in there myself. Heck, why not? No more cooking, cleaning, laundry...and offers fun daily activities, to boot. It's a dream!

But I'm sure this conversation has long turned into dust, or perhaps it had never registered in his mind 😕.

ThisLife

I'm right with you. And I'm sure it's gone, too.