Dad called, said mom asking God to take her, wants me to apologize to sister

TrumpetSwan

I woke up this morning and noticed a voicemail my dad left at midnight. I had not heard my phone ring, but figured something happened. I listened to the message and my dad said that mom (who has dementia) had been crying all day non-stop begging God to take her out of this life and she just wanted to die. Both parents live in their home of 20 years, dad is exhausted as mom's condition declines. Both of them have lost several lifelong friends. They both have COPD. They frequently say how hard it is to get old, and that they miss all the activities they used to enjoy.

In addition, our family has had estrangement. There have been several difficulties in the last 6-7 years which led to me being estranged from my only sibling and we have not spoken in over five years. It is a long story. My sister is my parent's golden child. She can do no wrong in their eyes, and I cannot do anything right. My sister has treated me disrespectfully throughout the years and her treatment got worse as we got older. A few years ago I asked her to stop doing some things I found hurtful, and her response was just that I get over it because it was not that bad. I then told her I was instilling boundaries for no contact in order have peace in my life, and that she would not be hearing from me again. That is where it has remained. I tried however to remain on good terms with my parents, but they never understand and continue to request I "make up" to my sister. I never even did anything wrong, I just wanted to eliminate the pain.

I explain this because my dad's final message to me in the voicemail was that I "make up" to my sister because it will make my mom feel better. In the message, I could hear my mom crying and moaning. My dad is overwhelmed as mom's condition declines. I think dad is looking for anything to reduce his stress, but looking in the wrong places - such as at me.

I understand they want to have peace in the family, but I feel like it is their choice on how they find peace for themselves. I feel like we are all individually responsible for how we act and react to what happens in our lives. To put pressure on others to make you happy, when it might be at the expense of someone else's wellbeing just seems like a burden nobody should offload. I feel like they don't get an exception just because they are old and not doing well. I am a bit embarrassed to write this, and I realize it might sound selfish.

I just cannot carry the burden of someone else's happiness, and I know even if I did allow my sister back in my life my parent's still would not be happy and it would not cure my mom's dementia nor reduce my dad's stress.

Any suggestions on how to respond to my parents, what to say, how to remain grounded? Thank you.

SusanB-dil

Hi TrumpetSwan - You could tell them that things are just fine and that you and sis are peaceful, or 'at a peaceful place with relationship'. That isn't exactly an untruth.

Sis was disrespectful and you had enough. I totally get that, and I would not go back to that situation, either.

TrumpetSwan

Thank you, SusanB. I think that is a good response to just say briefly "at a peaceful place with the relationship" and not offer any further explanation or open the topic to more analysis.

I collected my thoughts, then returned my dad's call. He answered, being sweet as pie. He asked if I got his message and I confirmed I did and that I am at a peaceful place with things and do not believe any changes will benefit me at this time. He said he knew there was no 'getting through to me' and handed the phone over to my mother. That was it.

My mom seemed to have settled herself, and was calm. We chatted briefly. She did however tell me that dad had taken her to ER in the middle of the night because her legs hurt, but they could not do anything for her so released her. I think dad perhaps felt overwhelmed by mom's obsessive thoughts, and the only thing he could do was take her to ER for some relief.

Mom's dementia will continue to get worse, so I expect dad's episodes of being overwhelmed will also continue. Unfortunately, dad has no outlet, hobbies, and has refused the support of home care or other hired services. I believe this scenario will occur again, but I will remember to stay aligned to what will keep me sane and this response was very helpful. Thank you.

terei

I will never understand people who continue to have contact with others who constantly cause them pain. You are doing what is right for you + your emotional health. And no, it will not ‘make your mom feel better’ . Her medical + psychological issues will continue whether you agree to their demands or not.

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SDianeL

Ditto about getting them help. If your Mom is depressed, the doctors can give her something for that. Many people with dementia & Alzheimer's get depressed even suicidal. It's not good for them and it's not good for the caregiver. My DH, 78 had a week where he was depressed and saying he wanted to die. I called the doctor and she prescribed something but he had terrible side effects from it. She will switch it next week when we have a video call. The last week he has been much better. So the depression episodes can be temporary now but may get worse for her. As far as your sister, my DH's psychiatrist once told him that sometimes you must distance yourself from people who cause you pain for your own sanity. His daughter was an alcoholic and wouldn't get help and when they talked she would scream at him, blaming him for her problems. He stopped talking to her. She died 2 years later. In my opinion if anyone should apologize it should be your sister. If my sister said to me what you said to your sister I would apologize and try to change my behavior, not blame her. Someone needs to take control for your parents. It seems they are floundering.