ANGER with ALZ

alz99

My mom needs to be on medicine as she has become some irritable and very mean. Calls us names, hits and refuses to go to the doctor. She still drives, remembers quite a bit but forgets with her short term memory (the day, etc). How can you convince someone they need something for their mood?? We cant do a surprise visit because she would know why we are there.

M1

I take it she lives alone? You need to do a couple of things. First you need to talk to an elder law attorney about getting powers of attorney for her or guardianship if she won't agree. If you have hippa privileges with her doctor you can call them to discuss. If you don't have hippa priveleges, you can still report your concerns-be very explicit-but they won't be able to respond. That's not uncommon, most of the time it's the family who first reports concerns. You can arrange an appointment and tell her it's required by Medicare or she'll lose her insurance---white lies or "fiblets" are very necessary. They can do an evaluation to insure that treatable problems are ruled out.

If you already have power of attorney, you should probably freeze her credit and do a deep dive to see if bills are getting paid and to insure she's not getting scammed.

Finally, you probably need to disable the car and/or lose the keys. Lots of threads on this. You can take it in for "repairs" and then lose it. None of this is easy.

SusanB-dil

Hi alz99 - M1 is totally correct. With the guardianship, paperwork, the car, and also getting her to the doc, for either medication, or to determine exactly what is going on.

I just wanted to reiterate that there are several of us on the boards that are extremely wary of the driving. If something should happen, and your LO should hit an innocent party, not only would that be already bad, but insurance may not pay. Agree - disable the car, and then say the repair part is on backorder if you cannot disappear the car right away.

Also - do check for out-of-dates on food in the fridge or pantry. Is she eating properly, or foods that may have long-expired and actually be dangerous?

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

melissad65

my mom is on an anti-psychotic in addition to memory meds like memantine. she has been verbally and physically aggressive. we explained to her after she attacked my father that if she didn't take it we would be forced to take her to the hospital.

to be honest now she no longer remembers why she takes that med anyway. fyi we also found when she doesn't eat/drink properly her symptoms are also exacerbated.

i would talk to her doctor if you can. we are in regular contact with her doctor who is very supportive.

alz99

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185315#Comment_185315

My dad would never take away her freedom at the moment because she is still very independent. And also very stubborn so my sisters and I say she will not willingly go to a nursing home. It will happen when she has no idea where she is going. My dad does not want to refuse her of things she still enjoys. She still remembers us/our names, etc. It is strange though because some symptoms I read sound further along and some are not. She has no desire to cook, is depressed but has always been social and loves to go places still. My dad is in great health and he allows her to go freely for coffee with friends, etc. But he now does way more with her (spending time together) than ever before. She use to drive them places and now she lets him drive. She is not close to being in a nursing home I am guessing a few years. But I have heard everyone progresses differently. She is 72.

alz99

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185384#Comment_185384

Thanks for that comment! It is helpful to know what treatment you were able to get for your mom. I am glad that seems to be working for her. My mom would never willingly go in. She becomes angrier by the day and acts as if she hates us. She then becomes very angry if you even mention something to her and for instance she never puts the trash bag liner in the trash can so food falls all over so when I asked her why she said everyone keeps trying to tell me what to do. She has been hateful, mean, irritated, and it would be next to impossible to get her in, sadly! It's destroying relationships with all of her grandchildren because she is mean to them as well.

M1

Taking steps to get her treatment and keep her safe is not taking away her independence. I suggest you read Iris' thread on the Caregivers forum called "your LO Cannot do anything." You are obviously (and understandably) still thinking of your mom as the parent you used to have, and we all tend to overestimate the functioning of our LO's. It sounds like she would significantly benefit from medication, and the thought of her driving is scary, frankly. The lives of others who might be impacted by her mistakes behind the wheel are more important than her independence. Believe me, i do know how hard this is, my partner threatened to pull a knife on me when I wouldn't let her drive.

harshedbuzz

@alz99

This is a very concerning situation.

Your dad's management of this problem sets off alarm bells for me. His parsing of this as respecting her "independence" makes me question his own cognition. A rational individual would recognize the risks involved with this strategy.

Dementia is about so much more than memory. Mood and executive function are also impacted very early on in the disease process. If she's progressed to the point she's hitting people, she no longer has the ability to manage a complex task like drive.

If she were to have an accident, even as the innocent party, it's unlikely her insurance carrier would pay with a dementia diagnosis in her medical record. Dementia voided dad's policy. If she were sued, your dad could lose everything in this scenario. He could even be held personally liable if he holds her POA and allows her to drive knowing of her memory issues. If your mom did harm someone and was sued, considerable time would pass before your mom was deposed and called to give testimony in court during which she is likely to deteriorate cognitively. This would be very stressful for her and also for family.

Perhaps it would help you dad to think of dementia robbing her of her independence rather than him personally.

For the aggression, medication is generally the go-to option. Imagine how awful it must be for her to be so distraught that she behaves in this way. Things like reasoning and talk therapy are pointless as she no longer has the cognition or impulse control to make use of better strategies for her anxiety, anger or frustration. If you can't get meds from her own doctor or get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist, then an emergency geri-psych admission is your best option making sure to inform the ER she needs admitting as she is a risk to herself and others because of her aggression.

HB

housefinch

Stopping her from driving is not removing her freedom or independence. It’s removing a significant danger to other people’s loved ones from the road. Stopping a drunk driver from driving isn’t removing that person’s freedom or independence. Bluntly, you are allowing someone with a similar risk to others to drive.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.