Struggling with how he is cared for...

4SS

Hi all,
My father is 75, and has had dementia for several years now. I am fortunate as he is still pleasant to be around, wants to help and remembers who I am. What I am struggling with is how my Step Mother is caring for him. I feel that she has given up, doesn't engage with him and just tries to get through the day. I can understand that this is probably not how she pictured her later years, but this is our reality now and I am unsure how to handle the fact that I don't agree with the way she is handling him. I was lucky enough to spend 2 weeks with him last year and boy did I learn a ton. My patience is at a much different level and I understand how to gently "trick" him into taking his medicine or go for a walk. She focuses her energy on all of the things that he does wrong and I worry that he is depressed and not really living. He refuses to go to a senior center as that's "for old people" according to him. But he loves to help out and talk to people which he doesn't ge to do. I am looking to see what types of activities or places I can take him after work to get him engaged but it seems that everything happens during the day. Sorry so long, just so much on my mind. He is not my husband, but he is my dad and I am worried that I may be overstepping.

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4SS

Thank you Victoria2020,

Yes she and I both attended ALZ support groups in the very beginning together to get a better understanding of what to expect.

My sister and I have also assisted with putting the house into a trust and have worked on POA documents with the elder care lawyers.

I think I can work the "help the old guys angle to get him to a center somehow. I just don't want him sitting in the house all day doing nothing and wish she would be more proactive on getting him to do something...it seems they live worlds apart under the same roof and that is terribly sad for both of them.

Emily 123

It must be hard to watch, and very frustrating.

It may be that your stepmom is struggling too. If dad is still able to be pretty lucid later in the day why not make a standing date with him each week after work to do something that gets him out of the house & also gives her a break? Or maybe have an aide come by to take him out of the house for walks? I had good fun with my mom taking her to the dog park to watch the pups play, or we'd go watch the kids play sports at the field nearby.

One of the things I noticed with my own mom, as things progressed, was that she'd talk a good game, but when push came to shove she'd come up with reasons not to do the things she used to enjoy. She'd prefer to just sit quietly. I kept trying to get her to go swimming (she used to love water aerobics) but everytime it was ''No, I think I have a UTI'.