M

kcalabrese

M1

Welcome to the forum. What a tough position to be in. Have you talked to either of them about legal matters or long-term plans? Im wondering if she wouldn't be better off in an assisted living situation and/or memory care eventually. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and I would not be optimistic that you can get your dad to change. Do you have siblings? You need to know who has power of attorney and what their financial resources are. A certified elder law attorney can help with these matters (look at nelf.org).

harshedbuzz

@kcalabrese

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but so glad you found this place.

Book? What book? IME, some men are very resistant to reading books. I will also say that many hands-on caregivers just don't have the time to crack open The 36-Hour Day and ingest it and those who do might want to spend what little time they have in which they aren't endlessly repeating things for their PWD that thy might want something lighter. It's a great book, but I was able to get mom to read this shorter essay which helped a lot.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

My thoughts on this--

Was theirs a happy marriage until dementia? Or has there always been on the edge of abusive in some ways?

If dad was a good, albeit selfish, husband I might take steps to educate him and encourage him to place her sooner rather than later.

Are you willing to take mom's care on at your home and on your dime? I have a friend who did this. His parents had not always been happy in their marriage (dad was a "my way or the highway" kind of dude and mom had some mental health issues that resulted in infidelity that dad could not forgive). Once the kids left, they had more of a roommate situation presenting a united front around their family but ignoring each other otherwise. When mom developed dementia and began to interact with dad, his treatment began to border on emotionally abusive, so my friend took his mom and moved her to a property he owned near him. His wife was POA for her aunt who'd had enough money and LTC insurance to be cared for 24/7 at this property they owned so they moved mom in and increased the pay to their caregivers basically running a tiny SNF. Since this didn't cost dad beyond the loss of mom's social security, dad was happy to be rid of the responsibility as his own health was worsening. Family did get them together for holidays and such and their relationship actually improved towards the end of their lives.

The nuclear option would be to see a CELA about actually obtaining guardianship for mom and arranging care for her either in your home or a facility. This would likely be easier if you have siblings who agree that dad is abusive in his treatment. You could also record dad's interaction with her to make your case. This becomes easier once she reaches a point where she can no longer do her IADLs if he fails to make sure she's fed, clean, taking medication and safe.

HB