Misunderstandings

bjm1938

I find myself in so many catch 22s. My mother has vascular dementia which has affected her speech and emotions. She has a very difficult time communicating. For instance, she will say one word for a totally different word or speak in random generalizations. She gets extremely angry when people don’t understand what she’s talking about, which is more often than not. Usually she seems to know more than she conveys, but lately she seems to be graduating to a new phase where she can’t seem to make inferences or come up with solutions to simple every day problems. I want to help her so that she will stay safe but I always risk making her mad because she doesn’t want to be treated like a child. I know that I should treat her with dignity and that is my goal but I am not perfect, nor is anyone else in the world. Just venting I guess. I want to hear someone else out there who is going through something similar. I have worked with the elderly and am familiar with the right things to do. Right now, though it’s a little different because this time it’s more personal. It’s MY mamma. Sometimes it’s just good to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing.

Ed1937

Bjm, welcome to the forum, but sorry you need it. If you stick around for a while, you will see how valuable it is.

My wife had a very hard time communicating. Any word she could not find became "three to eleven". She was an RN, and I'm sure that came from working the three to eleven shift at a hospital she absolutely loved working at. She might say she wanted to go three to eleven, and I had no idea what she meant. Or she might ask me to get her a three to eleven. Like your mother, my wife would get really upset with us when we couldn't understand what she meant. I'm convinced that she knew what she was saying, but she didn't know what was coming out of her mouth, if that makes any sense. It got so bad that she left the house to visit her grandmother (died in the 70s). I had to call 911 three different times to have the police come to talk her into coming back into the house. It was so bad, so often, that I finally put her in MC. Three weeks later, she passed away from an unrelated problem. You are not alone.

Kat63

My DH has done the same thing for quite a long time now. He cannot come up with any nouns or pronouns and uses made up words. He also ask very vague questions when he is really wanting an answer to something more specific, such as, “what are we doing?” And he might be asking if he needs to go to work, which we have been retired for over 10 years. I find that once I answer, such as, we don’t have much we have to do this morning. and he will say “so I don’t have to go to work? “ I know my DH so well I can usually decipher what he is taking about, but sometimes I cannot. So I will just say something like, I am so sorry but I’m not following that one, and smile at him. Apologizing and smiling as you say it helps so they don’t get upset or frustrated. I have read they can still understand your expressions and gestures better than what you are saying. Anyway this is what has worked best for me.

SDianeL

bjm, welcome. If you haven't already, please read the book "The 36 Hour Day" it really helped me. My DH is at the same stage as your Mom. He gets frustrated when he can't think of words. He doesn't know the name of foods or objects. I've found that if I get him to keep talking, I can figure out what he means. We had corn on the cob for dinner and he said he had to go brush his teeth. I said why and he said the little things we had. I said what things. He couldn't think of the word corn. I sat there and thought a minute and figured it out. I said the corn? He said yes. We play the guessing game all day. My DH also can't reason anymore. I've found that letting him do things unless he will hurt himself is the best thing. He wants to go out and check our car. I don't want him to but he insists. So I say, wait and I'll go with you. Even though I'm tired, I go. If your Mom is getting agitated, medication may help. Risperidone has helped my DH. Is your Mom staying with you or living alone? If she can't reason, the nurse told me that my DH could no longer be left alone because he wouldn't know what to do if there was an emergency. He can't use the phone. For example, the nurse asked him what he would do if a fire broke out in our apartment. He thought a long time and said "I guess I would try to put it out" -- that really got my attention. I now have a caregiver when I leave. I've also found that he's more agitated and angry with me because I'm his primary caregiver. He's better with the person who stays with him when I'm gone.