Moving to Memory Care Facility

alalucy

My husband has vascular dementia. After four years as his sole caregiver, I am no longer able physically and emotionally to handle all. I think I've decided a MCF will be better for him (and me) than professional home care. He is very proud and stubborn (he doesn't want anyone but me to care for him). I have toured facilities and found a good one nearby. But how do I get him there? I haven't discussed it with him, but I know he will not go willingly and I'm afraid he will not acclimate quickly (if at all). I don't want to move him and have him sent home.

Gig Harbor

I told my husband that I had to have surgery and would be in the hospital for about two weeks. I said that the doctor did not want him to be alone and he suggested a place where he could stay. I took a dresser and bedside table up ahead of time as well as his clothes. I ordered a new bed as I wanted him to have a double rather than a twin. When the bed was delivered I went in and made it up and organized the room. He wanted to know how long he would have to stay and I said 2-3 weeks but that I would let him know how I was. It worked beautifully. After two weeks he never asked to come home. I thought he would wonder why I had put him in a place that was full of old, confused people but he never seemed to notice that. He was farther along than I had realized and was actually one of the lowest functioning residents. I have learned to segment my life into visiting him and then leading a normal life on my own. I feel much stronger and healthier. It is not your fault he has dementia and just because his life is not what it was doesn’t mean that yours has to fall apart too. Good luck on the move.

Belle

My plan will be to tell my DH that he needs rehab, when the time comes for placement. That was the recommendation of a geriatric care manager I talked to last month. He does have other medical issues so it's a plausible story. Our house is also not accessible so if needed my backup story is that I am having the house worked on and it will take some time to make it safe for him.

ThisLife

I've placed my husband twice for respite because I had to "work" out of town. In September, I placed him using the same story only this time it was for good. I told him I was staying longer for work. Last week I met with him as I was "back" but still had to work. I tried to share that he was staying there. Message not received. He is fixated on coming home. He doesn't express this to the staff. I have videos and pictures of him engaging in the activities with a smile on his face. He says there is nothing to do there. He cannot remember anything beyond a few minutes.

He calls me most days to ask when he will be coming home. He has no recollection that we have talked about this before. I've tried using the doctor says you need to be there. He refuses to accept that. I've resorted to saying he is going to be there for a while because I need to work and that is where he needs to be. I repeat and deflect. My visits have been short as he cannot get off the topic.

My life has improved dramatically. I'm able to work without interruptions or wondering what he is doing in the other room while I'm on computer calls. My schedule does not revolve around his eating schedule. He is not sitting glaring at me all day when I do cleaning, washing, cooking and other chores around the house. No slamming doors. No trying to creatively keep him from walking the dogs in the blistering heat. No shadowing me all evening. No one berating me and telling me I don't know what I'm doing. And I do things I want to do. MC has been a blessing for me.

JeriLynn66

The facility can work with you to make a plan for the admission.. for example: a lunch where you quietly slip away. Most facilities recommend a “settle in” period where visits are initially limited.. work with the staff to make a plan. Good luck and keep us updated..