Need ideas on how to get time away from PWD to discuss care without triggering an outburst

Somm0075

My Dad is my Mom's caregiver and he is burned out. He knows he needs help, but he doesn't know where to start and is overwhelmed with all of the things to consider and all of the decisions that need to be made. As a result, he is basically "frozen" and can't/won't take even the initial steps to bring in care to help him out. We (their children) have taken on as much as possible in terms of researching options, trying to create a care plan, etc., but there is only so much we can do without his active input.

One of the biggest issues we are currently facing is that my mom and Dad are never separated. Never. She is very paranoid and has extreme/extended outbursts if she thinks he is doing anything "behind her back". Because he is so worried about causing one of her episodes, we aren't able to have these critical conversations with him regarding care options and decisions, and it has made it very difficult to make progress toward getting them the help they both need.

Does anyone have any ideas/suggestions/tips we can give him as to how he can get time away from her without triggering an episode so that he can talk freely/openly when we have important things to discuss with him? Are there tips/tricks he can do that will allow him to get the time we need to have longer conversations? Any tips/tricks for those times we need to just have a quick chat with him for a few minutes?

Thank you so much!

Ed1937

Somm, welcome aboard, although sorry you are all dealing with that. Without knowing much about him, is it possible that one of you could ask for his help with something around the house, like maybe figuring out why the garage door is not working? Maybe he could help, using whatever skills he is good at? Anything you can think of. You will likely need to use fiblets to get him away from her. That's OK. Whatever it takes to get desired results, while keeping them both satisfied.

It sounds as if he might be close to burnout. You have to make him understand that if he doesn't get some help, he may wind up in the hospital. Then what happens to her?

Belle

Can someone distract your mom so you can talk to your dad? We had a family member with ALZ that was very paranoid that we were plotting about their care. It became easy to distract her, even with the intended conversation going on in the same room since she was focused on the distraction and never heard the other conversation at all.

mrahope

A couple of things occur to me in this situation, which is very familiar to me. Although my DH was always around, he wasn't quite as needy/paranoid about me talking to my son. We often chatted on the phone or when he was napping. If you father is able to text with you about this, that might be an alternative. Just throwing out some ideas. I've gotten so much support from my sisters via text that DH has no clue about so far. YMMV.

SDianeL

does she nap? is she able to visit with someone while you speak to your Dad? Friend? Family Member? Will she go to the hairdresser with both of you and you can talk while she's getting her hair done? He needs to tell her that HE needs help (not her) and that someone is coming to help him. Start slow with a short time like an hour or two and gradually increase it. It worked with my DH. I told him I needed to go to my doctor appointments and I couldn't leave him alone. Assisting Hands, a company the VA recommended sent the perfect caregiver. She now comes for 3-4 hours once a week if I need her. He was not happy at first but behaved himself and now calls her "My Lady" I would start with telling your Dad that if he doesn't get help he will end up in the hospital and that it's only going to get worse and he MUST get help now. Sometimes you need to be stern with them. He's may be in denial.

Dio

What helped me was his friends taking him out to lunch. I got about 2 hrs. to do things out of his earshot when prepping for placement day. I was very fortunate that DH was still semi cognizant and I was very transparent about the need to research his long-term care, that if in case something should happen to me, he'd be well cared for. He was comforted by the fact that he won't be homeless--his greatest fear, at the time. But at the same time, he kept asking, "But not now, right?" Of course, not, I'd say. He'd even look over my shoulder to look at the screens of memory care facilities. And sometimes he'd read about dementia symptoms and asked if that was what he had...so sad.