Driving

Janet77

I know everyone has read about how difficult it is to get LOWD to give up driving. My problem is husband’s 55 year old daughter (not my kid. Married her dad 27yrs ago) who is currently trying to get her dad to drive 200 miles to see her.

She and her husband have threatened to take LOWD away, to call elder services, to help him divorce me…Therefore, I am not allowing this visit. Nor do I want them in our retirement apartment.

At some point next year (our attorney said it’s best to put the visit off as long as possible due to their threats) LOWD should get to visit.

My question is how the heck can that happen???

Thoughts??

Janet78!

M1

Hi janet. Is your attorney a certified elder law attorney? If not, ask to be referred or look at nelf.org. if you do not hold his powers of attorney, you need to pursue that asap. If you already have them, they should be reviewed to be sure there are no legal loopholes. I think you also have to look at whether this is about money, or a dispute about the diagnosis?

Is he still driving at all? Hope not. That would obviate any chance of a visit without your accompanying him.

There have been other posters with difficult blended family situations. Sorry you are facing this.

Ed1937

Janet, welcome to our little family. I think you will find it much more friendly than your extended family, through your husband.

You really need to get your husband to stop driving completely, if that hasn't already happened. One bad accident could wipe out your assets. As his caregiver, you could also be held responsible for allowing him to drive. If you need tips on how to take the keys, please ask. Others will be here to help.

Two hundred miles is not really a long drive for you. Is it possible for you to visit at a public place in case things turn sour? We have another member who has been in court, fighting with her in-laws about her husband. Hopefully she will see this thread, and respond. She might have some ideas to share, but I hope this doesn't happen to you.

Please heed M1's advice to see a certified elder law attorney (CELA). You will want all of your bases covered before you make the trip.

Janet77

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/185631#Comment_185631

Janet77

Thank you for your comments.

Our attorney is CELA and very good. He has helped us through the process of addding my daughter to our Trust and bank accounts etc. I believe my DH's kids aren't after his money but they think I am exaggerating his condition. He is in and out of admitting he has a problem.

He is still driving, very little and in familiar places. His neurologist (we saw her this week) asked that he start quitting driving now and be completely non-driving by our next appointment in 6 months!! I surely wish she had been more adamant.

M1

I would take that as a doctor's order to stop driving now. Not easy i know, but necessary on so many levels.

glad your attorney is a CELA. If you in fact hold his POA, his other children should not be able to intervene. Re his awareness of his difficulties, look up anosognosia-he is likely not able to identify his deficits.

Keep us posted how it goes. I know you said that you didn't want them visiting at your apartment, but it might be better to have them on your turf than vice versa.

SDianeL

My DH was diagnosed 2 years ago by a Neuro Psychologist who put him through the 3 hour eval. I didn't go with him. Wish I had. She called me after and said the findings were "bizarre" and that under no circumstances should he be driving. Dementia affects visuospatial abilities. She said he could not determine time, space or speed and that she was surprised that he hadn't already rear ended somebody. She said that once the diagnosis was in his medical records and he were to be involved in an accident, even if it wasn't his fault, we could be sued and lose everything. I calmly told my husband what the doctor said and the next day he handed me his keys and never drove again. Looking back the only thing I noticed was that he was driving very slowly, hitting curbs and being confused at intersections. Tell him that you talked to the doctor and that the doctor recommended he no longer drive. Period. Fib if you have to. You will learn that it's ok to do so to protect him and you. Write his daughter a letter and tell her that he has been officially diagnosed with cognitive issues and tell her what the doctor said about driving. Ask for her support in caring for him and keeping him safe. Tell her in no uncertain terms that he is not driving to see her. If you haven't already, read the book "The 36 Hour Day" and send a copy to his daughter. Stay strong and stick to your guns. If he won't stop voluntarily, ask the attorney to talk to him. If that doesn't work, hide the keys or report to the DMV: Example: Florida law authorizes any physician, person, or agency to report to FLHSMV an applicant or licensed driver who may not safely operate a motor vehicle due to a medical condition. These referrals must be based on medical conditions or symptoms that could affect safe driving and not the age of the driver.

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housefinch

I’m a doctor, and my opinion of my physician colleagues has not generally improved by hearing stories like this about the driving advice. Truly, someone with this level of dementia should have stopped driving yesterday, FULL STOP. I’m sorry we doctors do such a poor job of communicating with families. It doesn’t help anyone. 6 months as a goal to stop? That’s just foolhardy and unsafe. We have a family friend with a similar level of dementia who left home on an errand & was found hours later by the State Highway Patrol out of gas halfway to the state capital city, unsure why he was even driving there. Please, for your family member’s safety, your community’s safety, and your family’s financial future, disable or disappear the car, cancel his insurance coverage, etc.

Ed1937

Janet, I know this thread is all about driving, as it should be. But you said other people are questioning the severity of the disease. I don't know if you even want to go here, but..... We don't know much about his actions at home, but if he does bizarre things, could you make a video of that to show the naysayers? Maybe it's possible to change their thinking about the progression of the disease, and kind of smooth things over a bit? This disease is very hard, and you don't need unnecessary friction from extended family.

You have some excellent feedback from the members here. Every decision ultimately has to be yours, but please know that the members are concerned about you and your husband when they reply.

Getting back to his family - they can be a great help to you, or they can make things harder. If things can't be worked out so they can be a friend instead of the enemy, you might have to remove them from your life, depending on how bad it is. But before you do that, ask yourself if that is in your (and his) best interest. I wish you luck.