MC placement experience

Midwest Gal

I rarely communicate on this site, but I feel the need to assure others in the earlier portion of their journey that placement into MC is not always a bad thing. After 10 years of caring for my DH at home with plans of keeping him home to the end things can change. My earlier posts outline this journey. My rule was that we both had to be safe. That was no longer the case so 5 months ago after a hospitalization DH entered into MC. Of course, it was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, broke my heart and I cried from guilt for the first few months. I have driven the 25 miles to the MC every day since his admission and spent at least 1 hour with him. I can now say that I am so very thankful that I made this move. He is well cared for in a very homelike setting. Staff could not be kinder and more attentive. His moods are more stable in that routine setting. I really lucked out finding a good place. Of course, it's expensive but thank goodness we lived simply and worked hard so we have enough for now. There won't be those "high dollar tropical vacations" in my future, but I'm sure that if I had kept him home longer that my health would have most definitely been jeopardized which would have not helped either of us. I consider myself a strong person and have worked with people with disabilities for 40 years so it was very hard to accept that I really could not do this on my own. But we are what we are and each circumstance is different. I'm still not ready even travel to see out of town friends or do much other staying close and advocating for my DH. I miss my sweet best friend DH something terrible, but those days are gone as we knew them. I feel like I can breathe again. Just going to the dentist or doctor without worrying about him in the lobby is a treat. Not one friend or family member has ever criticized his placement. They only indicate that I should have done it sooner. So to conclude, don't feel like you have to sacrifice yourself throughout your spouse's illness. You are not a bad or weak person for seeking help. It's an extremely difficult illness. I wish everyone the best that is still providing care at home as my heart goes out to you. I'm sure that I still have a little PTSD from the experience. I hope that if/when you do explore MC facilities that you find one that works out as well for you and your spouse.

ghphotog

Thank you so much for your post! I long to know that freedom, to not have to worry about my wife in every situation. To breathe my own air again someday. For now daycare a couple of days a week is the best I can do. Those days just fly by and before I know it I have to turn around and go pick her up. To not have to check my watch all the time knowing soon I have to go get her. I know she's in good hands there but even then I worry about her and am rushing to pick her up. She cries for me and asks where I am most all day and cries when she sees me at the door to pick her up. She has good days there to and they keep her engaged all day which she really needs.

Joe C.

MG, Very well said! Thank you for posting.

Ed1937

This is really a good post because it could ease the minds of those who are struggling with the decision to place or not. Thanks!

Beachfan

MG,

Thank you for posting. You have echoed and validated many of my personal thoughts regarding placement. I, too, planned to keep DH at home with me forever and made all the physical arrangements that I thought necessary. (Downsizing to a smaller home with accommodations on my daughter’s property.) DH was “easy” to maintain; however, I failed to take into consideration the complete loss of myself required to maintain the status quo. Following his placement in November, 2021, and his eventual passing last April, I have slowly rediscovered some semblance of normal life, albeit as half of a once happy couple. I still marvel at the freedom I enjoy to engage in the most common tasks. On Saturday, I will fly across the country to TX to visit my son and family; 2 years ago, at this time, I couldn’t even do a grocery run or get a haircut without extensive preparation and worrying the entire time about DH while I was gone. Deciding to place was an agonizing 2 year process, but I don’t regret the decision, nor do I harbor any guilt.

While DH was alive, I always prayed that he would remain “safe and dignified”; he remained so until his passing. Now I pray that I remain safe and dignified as I age and I’ve added an addendum: don’t allow me to be a burden to my children. If that requires placement, so be it. Wishing everyone well on this sad and awful journey.

annewilder

Oh, Midwest Gal, I needed to read this post today. My DH of 48 years is declining rapidly from his dementia. We are at home with caregivers at night and 4 hours in the day. I cannot let him out of sight as his walking is very unstable and he falls all the time. He is #1 for a bed in a local Memory Center of a lovely new facility. I am heartsick but he is 6'3" and 225 lbs. I can not handle him at home. It's even hard with another person helping me, ie, bathing changing the incontinence briefs, etc. My home is 5 miles from the MC and I plan to spend lots of time there with him. I had hoped to keep him home longer but this needs to happen sooner than later. Thank you for giving me some hope and confidence that I am doing the right thing!!!

SDianeL

Thank you for this. I am dreading the time when I have to make that decision. Your post made me realize that nobody understands what it takes to be the caregiver for someone with Dementia or Alzheimer's. Until you live it 24/7. My sweet daughter asked us to move in with her and her husband. I almost said yes but realized that they have a life. My DH is her Step-Dad. I have help through the VA thank God and they will increase the help as we need it, but I also realize that at some point my physical health won't allow me to care for him. I'm keeping your post to re-read it when my decision time comes.

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GloriaByington

First time posting. My DH seems to be in a downward spiral. He has dementia & onset of Hydrocephalus. He is unable to walk without support and is now mostly in a wheelchair except when I take him to the toilet from our bed when he uses a walker w/me helping to steady the walker. He still received Physical Therapy 2x/week & seems to be getting weaker. He is now starting to feel major pain in his head & neck when getting up from the bed. This is concerning. He is home w a p/t caregiver. & me, the full time caregiver. Does anyone have experience w/dementia & hydrocephalus? Please let me know. Thank you.

Ed1937

Gloria, welcome aboard. But sorry you have a need for us. It is always best to start a new discussion when you have questions, instead of posting to an ongoing thread, because you will get more replies. I copied your post, and I will start a new thread for you. I think your concerns are important.

toolbeltexpert

Mg I went down a similar path thinking I could keep dw home till I couldn't. I know the emotional stress of that, it's been over a yr now. I am visiting right now in New Hampshire with my family, something I could have never done before. I no longer worry about all the stuff. I hope all of the folks who maybe getting to that time of needing to place understand it does get a little better as time goes on.

We all deal with all the feelings differently, we all visit differently, but it's good to see how others go thru each day.

Dio

Thanks for the post! Echoes our feelings. It's also a perfect reminder for those of us who have placed our LOs.