Troubles in public places

mrahope

I am just beginning to wonder if it is time to limit my DH going to public places. In the last few weeks he seems to be getting worse in terms of his behavior when out and about. For instance, he yelled at me in a grocery store because he no longer has a car key and wanted to go wait in the car, despite it having only been less than 5 minutes that I had been searching for an item in another aisle. It was loud enough to be heard by others, for sure. Then this week, he was at the dentist having work done for a new denture (he lost his old one, but that's another story) and he was aggressive (verbally) enough with the dentist that the dentist came out to the waiting room to talk to me. The dentist literally asked me point blank if DH had memory issues and I said yes. Then DH came out of the treatment area and (in front of me) told the dentist that he had deceived DH and DH was impatient with him to the point where the dentist (father of two toddlers) told him: "You're in my house now. We don't have any yelling in my house.". I was so upset and angry. And worse, he hasn't stopped griping about this for days, telling me I "wasn't supporting him."

I wonder if these types of experiences mean that he's closer to needing placement than I thought. My DS and DIL seem to think so. This despite the fact that he can handle most ADLs by himself still. DIL is even concerned he might physically harm me or our granddaughter. FWIW, since we just moved, we can't even get an appointment with a new neuro until January. How do you all handle public outbursts?

ghphotog

I understand, every time we go out I'm concerned there will be some sort of meltdown in public. We've been ok for a while now but I always feel it's just lurking. She's had minor meltdowns in public and we just try to leave without making more of a scene but getting her to leave can in itself cause trouble.

If you're concerned about safety of yourself and family then other's will have more meaningful advise. You can always call the Alzheimer's helpline as well 800.272.3900. I've called them before and they can help.

I know other's here have been in similar situations and having an escape plan if he does get violent is a must. Having you're phone with you at all times is a given. If it gets bad call 911.

He needs medications to help keep him calm. However, you will have to be ready at a moment's notice to escape and get yourself and granddaughter to safety. Go next door or get in the car and flee. . .

It may not come to that but with this disease they are no longer the same person and do not have the self control and self restraint they may have had previously and you must be ready.

As far as placement, other's will say to have him committed to geri-psych for eval. If you still feel unsafe you can always refuse to take him home at that point I believe. It's a horrible place to be and I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My DW can be enough of a handful, I can only imagine how much harder it can be caring for a man that is unpredictable. Get some help with this somewhere. Family, friends. . .

JDancer

Our dentist has an exam room with a seat for me, so I'm always present during my DH's dental work. I think we've avoided problems that way, because he does get anxious during exams.

If we're shopping together, which is rare, I keep him nearby. He gets easily disorientated and I'm not sure what would happen if I was out of his sight.

If I'm reading you correctly, the events you describe happened when he couldn't see you. Maybe he felt alone and anxious. Many of us have LOs that need to have us near at all times. They're lost without us.

Mint

I deal with these types of things with my mother. It is extremely difficult and unsettling for me. I do worry about what if my mother becomes physically aggressive so far it’s all been verbal. I do think about where I could go lock myself in and I always have my cell phone and it’s charged. I have instructed my two sisters that if we’re ever there and she ever does something physical that we are to call the police hopefully we will be able to get her taken by them to the emergency room where I would hopefully be able to get a psych evaluation. I hope it never comes to this. It would be so very sad. But at the same time I told my sisters we have to protect ourselves and we’re also must remember we’re protecting her, because if she would do something that truly hurt us they would hold her responsible and so it’s just hard.

SDianeL

Yes, I would limit his public interactions as much as necessary. I don't take my DH anywhere with me that is public. I have groceries delivered. I don't go shopping anymore. I have a caregiver who stays with him while I run errands. The more routine you can keep things the better. Ask for a referral to a Geriatric Psychiatrist asap. They will prescribe and manage medications to help calm him. She has helped more than any other doctor for my DH. I notified all of my DH's doctors, dentists that my husband has Alzheimer's and to note his file. I also go in with him whenever possible. I book his haircuts when they are less busy and get in and out in 10 minutes. Someone here suggested to have cards made up that let people know he has Dementia/ALZ and give it to caregivers so they know without you having to announce it. He can't help his agitation. It's the disease. Try not to take anything he says personally. As others have said, be ready to call for help and get to a safe space if he gets aggressive.

Joydean

I had to take my dh to the dentist because somehow his bottom denture was missing, I asked if the dentist was familiar with dementia patients and yes was the answer. I always go in the room with him no matter if it’s a dentist or his doctors. I sit right beside him. When I do have to take him to grocery store with me I place his hand on the cart with mine. I tell him we are just getting a little exercise and never stay more than 20 minutes and then I go through drive through and get him an ice cream. So far it works.

Ed1937

I was going to mention the cards SDianeL talked about. Several people here have used them, although I never did. I believe they're available on the alzheimer store. One of our members mentioned that they just didn't worry about verbal surprises anymore, but just handed out the cards when needed. Once again it's a personal choice, but I think most would avoid the situation if possible.

Denise1847

I always inform anyone caring for my DH that he has alz. Also, when I fill out any forms, there is usually a place that you can note it. That way, the practitioners include me in the process. Also, I would reach out to your PC or the neuro, explain the behavior and ask for meds. I have success with this and Zoloft.

mrahope

Thanks so much, everyone. As usual, your insight as a group is excellent. FWIW, my DIL is more worried about any physical aggression than I am, and I always keep my phone and keys on me. I have realized that I can't leave him on his own at the dentist, even though he can't get out of the chair. Doctors' offices are always with me present and they know because of the meds he's on. If we have to go to any new doctors I'm going to try and let them know in advance via online means.

I am beginning to realize that he may need the meds to control his behavior. Unfortunately, it may be many months to get to a specialist since our move. It's a balancing act: I've gotten much more support from DS and DIL, but access to care is slow and cumbersome.

Davegrant

mra Hope,

I had almost the exact experience as you, but it was at a high school auditorium where my granddaughter was in a school play and my DW started making very negative comments which were totally out of place and false. To my worst fears others could hear her. One parent from several seats away came over and gave us some suggestions for calming her and we managed to make it through the play. I did follow up with her primary physician and we are giving her .25 MG of Risperidone and I believe that it has helped. I have noticed that my DW anxiety level rises when we are in a large group of family or strangers, and I have been limiting our group size and outings. I too have been ordering groceries online and that has helped both of us. If I take DW shopping I pick a smaller store where I only need a few items. This has made shopping easier on both of us.

Dave

😎

tigersmom

I struggle with this decision, too. For more than two years, my DH has had no filters. He talks to EVERYONE, especially on public transportation. I am astonished at how kind my fellow citizens have been, almost without exception. But it does make it hard. All the checkers at Trader Joe's know him, and his dentist was one of the first to figure out what was going on (she had a mother with dementia). The one place he was always happy to go to was the local diner, but last week, he behaved kind of badly there. Unhappy with his food (always the same thing), spitting out pieces he declared "like rocks," etc. It was hard to get him to pull it together, and now I fear that dining out anywhere is just one more thing we won't do. It's hard not to take him shopping, since he loves to walk and most of our shopping is done that way. But I am trying to shop for at least a few meals at a time so we don't have to do it daily. On the other days, we can just walk. I am sorry it is so hard. This disease takes everything from us, even the small daily chores we used to take for granted.

HollyBerry

My partner talks to strangers, too, and doesn't read their cues to know which ones are likely to be understanding or tolerant, and which aren't. We go to the dog park, Farm & Fleet, PetSmart, dollar store, Goodwill, places like that if I can get her to go with me at all. I try to get groceries without her because the grocery store has become overwhelming. She can't come to the barn for farrier appointments any more (horse shoer) because she gets in the way and won't listen to me or remember where the farrier asks her to stand. So many changes...

mrahope

I completely get it re: "doesn't read their cues". It breaks my heart sometimes, because DH was a clinical psychologist and his sense of appropriateness was very highly functioning. He knows his memory isn't the same, but has no clue that his "people skills" (once his pride) are eroding. Just so sad.

Melanie Mueller

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186382#Comment_186382

I'm going through the same thing trying to get any real whole body and brain specialist is unbelievably frustrating. Patiently waiting for the middle of November. I send you peace ☮️ and love during this difficult time 🌞✝️💜☮️

sandwichone123

I've been taking my dh out every Sunday since I placed him, but I'm starting to see the end of that ability. His people skills are also deteriorating--he loves to wave at toddlers, for instance, but now also "toddler-waves" at much older kids who don't appreciate it. He hasn't tried to steal a pumpkin yet, but he makes moves in that direction every time we see some out in public.

AlzWife2023

I had to leave a cafe two weeks ago b/c DH was making loud, negative “jokey” comments about a man sitting across from us. I’m sure the man heard.

When I need to shop, my husband always happily waits in the car. I take the keys, but I’ve read to never leave a dementia patient in the car. He’s never done any wandering, but I’m always a little nervous & I always rush. I only do quick shops. I do my big shopping when he’s home with my son.

Drapper

Meds helped my husband tremendously with public outbursts and difficult behaviors. Not 100%, but greatly reduced. (Seroquel / low dose and Zoloft ).

maybe you can get in to see dr earlier if you explain situation. My DH neurologist sees him once a month while trying to get behaviors under control.

also check for UTI. I just bought home uti check swabs do I can do more frequently.