Tips on tone of voice

charley0419

I’m finding it hard at times when my wife says or does things that really aren’t her. I understand it’s part of illness but maybe someone has a tip on how not to speak or try not to sound frustrated. I’m sure someone know what I’m trying to say. Thank you this is not an easy illness to deal with I’m seeing now. Wife in complete denial

FredW

Hi Charley,

I also care for my wife. I agree that this is not an easy illness to deal with. It is an ugly disease.

It is also not easy to hide your frustration. I had to change my attitude so I don't get frustrated. This is very difficult to do. When my wife acts out of character, I try not to respond immediately. I remind myself it is the disease making her act that way. I remind myself to let this go and focus on those good times we have left. I get frustrated at the disease, not her. Later, when alone, I may actually cuss out the disease and vent my frustration on it, not her.

I also recognize that during these times, I actually have mixed feelings. On one hand, I feel the frustration of this ugly disease, on the other I mourn the loss of the woman I love. Don't fight the mourning. It's real and it will happen at times when you least expect it. Since I have taken on the caregiving role, I have cried more than ever. I'm not an easy-to-cry man.

Charley, this is a very difficult disease to deal with. If you slip up and the frustration comes across in your voice, apologize to her and forgive yourself. Remember that we are human and we will slip up.

Best of luck to you - hold on to those good times.

charley0419

That really really helped me thank you, going through same. I’m 76 in pretty good shape wife 77 diagnosed about year ago mild Alzheimer , put her in trail for 2 months but didn’t like idea she was Guinea pig. Didn’t know if taking meds or note so I stopped. Neurologist put her on meds got side effect refused to go back doesnt want meds. I’m taking her next month but she doesn’t know. Dr said no driving that really put her over edge. Hates that dr. In complete denial. She’s at repeating and forgetting short term. Not interested in cooking and always cooked.

enough about me hope we can talk more it does help

JDancer

I, too, have trouble controlling my tone of voice. And my DH can always hear irritation when it's in my voice. It's hard to answer the same question 3 times in 5 minutes...

Your wife isn't in denial, she has anosognosia, a common symptom of dementia. Understanding this will help you understand your wife's point of view.

Now that she's not cooking, there's one more thing for you to do. Taking on my husband's "chores" has been a big struggle for me, also. He always took such good care of the house, yard, car, me, etc. Dealing with this disease has many so many challenges, I hope this forum can help you navigate through them.

charley0419

Thank you it does. I just have to say to myself this is not same person.

Ed1937

Hi Charley. JDancer has it right. Here is a video explaining anosognosia, and you really need to understand it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJegLeA4YTE

I think the biggest thing is that you have to really accept that she has dementia, and what it means. When you are able to do that, solutions will come a little easier.

Fred gave you some good input with his first post (welcome to the forum, Fred). It's a very hard disease, and we have to realize that we're the one who has to change because they can't. Read as many posts as you can, and you'll understand how to make things easier for yourself. Many times you'll have to bite your tongue, but it will be easier to do after a while. You will find that fiblets are your friend. If it takes somewhat of an untruth to make her less agitated, go for it. If she's less agitated, you will be too.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186645#Comment_186645

Great advise I will

tgeno

Taking care of my wife, who has early stage Alzheimer's, I've learned that the person who really has to accept the diagnosis is ME. In the beginning, the repeated questions, the doing things "wrong", also irritated me, which was reflected in my tone of voice and what I said. However, I came to understand that the only person giving me grief was me by resisting the changes in my wife, which were not her fault but caused by the disease. Since then I've learned to respond, not react. I answer her questions calmly as if she was asking it for the first time. If she does something wrong, I quietly explain what happened and help her correct it or correct it myself. As a result my life is much calmer, and my relationship with my wife is easier.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186653#Comment_186653

Sounds like good advice, I’ve been trying to do your wet I’m getting better but tough

harshedbuzz

Acting lessons?

Only half-kidding.

I found this helpful for keeping me. And it really helped my mom maintain a more empathetic approach.

Understanding the Dementia Experience (smashwords.com)

HB

jfkoc

Often I would sing my words. Crazy but it really helped.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186670#Comment_186670

You have to be up at times. Haha

SDianeL

She's not in denial. Someone posted on this forum that you can't reason with someone whose "reasoner" is broken. That simple phrase helped me respond better. You will learn tips on how to distract, fib and redirect, Arguing doesn't work. They no longer have logic or reasoning abilities. My DH and I are no longer the couple we once were. I now view him as my patient and me as his caregiver. He is now childlike. This is the sad reality of this terrible disease. I'm 75 and my husband is 78. He was diagnosed 2 years ago and is in Stage 5 with Alzheimer's-Posterior Cortical Atrophy. You will learn how to better respond. Sending hugs.