Thinks Parents are still alive and wants to go home

kmc sunflower

My DH of 53 years thinks his parents are still alive, they passed over 20 years ago. He often asks where his Mom or Dad went, telling me they were just here. The evenings are the worst as he insists on going home to his Mom. I've come up with several stalls, like they have Covid and are isolating, or they have out of town company and need him to stay with me. But lately, he is getting more and more anxious insisting this is not his home (we've lived here 27years). The Dr increased his DivalproX to 500 mg, but it does not seem to be helping. Sometimes just a car ride is enough to distract him, but not always. He also tries to call them on the phone, but fortunately he just gets the operator recording.

Has anyone had experience with this issue and how best to handle it. Or any better luck with other medications.

Ed1937

Kmc, welcome to the forum, but wish you had no use for it. You may or may not get replies to your thread tonight, but you will get them. This is a great forum where everyone is understood and help is available just for the asking.

This is a very common problem with dementia. He may be having sundowning, where people have more symptoms later in the day. Is his doctor someone who treats patients with dementia as a large part of his/her practice? If not, it may be time to try another doctor, maybe a neurologist who does. The right medications can help. It might be a good idea to write a note to the doctor detailing the symptoms and the time of day they are worst. This note can be given to the person at the sign in desk, and ask that the doctor read it before seeing your husband. Don't leave anything out, so the doctor has a clear picture of what is happening.

Some people close all the blinds or curtains early, before it starts to get dark, so he doesn't notice the difference when daylight is fading. Also have a light on early for the same reason. This may or may not help. Others will have more to add.

gampiano

Hi Kmc,

My husband had the exact same behaviors. Sometimes i was able to re direct him by telling him we could visit "home" tomorrow, or next week. This worked for awhile, and there were days that would go by without him mentioning his parents or his "real home". As he progressed through stage6&7, he became more insistent and i had a tough time getting him to calm down. He was determined to leave and was scheming as to how he could get there without a car. The Doctor put him on Seraquel, and then increased the dose big time when these episodes wouldn't abate. This did help, for a few weeks. Then , in order to get him (and me) a full night's sleep, she added Depakote. This worked for several weeks, but in the end, he was still determined to go home, and became obsessed with the idea. The week before he died he told me he was going to "peel out of here" to go to home to Long Island.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, along with all the other burdens . It is exhausting, and at times i must admit , it made me so angry that i had to go outside and scream.

I hope you can get some relief from this, It's exhausting,

Maureen

M1

Ditto here, and there is another thread in the caregivers forum on exactly the same topic started by Sea Jay this morning. My partner talks about her dead relatives daily and forgets that they have died or will ask if they are still here, but doesn't get terribly upset if reminded. She constantly wants to return to Texas where she grew up; i usually just don't respond to that. She is not terribly agitated about it though (she is on Seroquel, a single dose of 50mg at bedtime, as well as zoloft 100 mg daily for anxiety).

easy23

How I wish there was a solution to this problem. MY DH is confused everyday about where is "home" and where is his mother. Sometimes he hallucinates that I am his mother. That is when he seems his calmest. There is no trigger - it just happens. I just go with the flow and agree with whatever he is saying. His geripsych has him on 3 mg risperidone which helps with the agitation but doesn't get rid of the delusions and hallucinations.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186753#Comment_186753

when was he diagnosed

easy23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186754#Comment_186754

He was diagnosed in Nov 2018 and is now a late stage 5

Ed1937

Another common thought is that they may not be looking for a physical home, but a place in time when things were better. Or they may be looking for their childhood home. Again, the right medication can help.

Some people tell their LO that they have major structural damage (foundation) to the home, and they will be staying somewhere else until it is fixed.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186757#Comment_186757

My wife 77 was diagnosed last Nov 22. Mild Alzheimer,whatever stage that is, was on trial for 2 months saw nothing happing didn’t want her on nothing for 2 yrs so took off neurologist put her on meds got side effect now won’t take anything

Chammer

A couple of suggestions I read are to semi change the subject by asking questions like "oh home! What is your favorite thing about home?" "I loved your mom's chocolate cake! What was your favorite?"

I didn't have to deal w this w MIL except 1 time when she very clearly asked out of the blue as her speech had become word salad "I haven't seen M in a long time. Do you know where he is?" M was her youngest son who had passed away several years before. I had to think a minute because I wasn't sure if she was actually asking for him or one of her other 3 sons. I finally responded "you know, I haven't seen him in a long time either" which was true and she again clearly asked me "where do you think he is?" And I said "I'm not sure where he is" she looked thougtful for a bit, nodded, and then that was the end of the conversation. She never asked about him again and didn't ever asked to go home. She would occasionally ask about her sister who she was closest to who had died a few years before and FIL would tell her "now C you know she died" and then a big argument would ensue. I am glad he wasn't listening the day she asked about M.

ghphotog

Yep, DW has been saying that daily for years now and also says she is going to tell her mom on me all the time and is dead serious.

kmc sunflower

Thank you all for the input, really helps to know I'm not alone. just wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing by expanding on his delusions about his parents and why he can't go home. I struggle sometimes trying to find ways to distract him. He'll be starting in an adult day care setting 2 days a week next month, hoping that helps to keep him distracted. Making a note for the doctor is an excellent idea, it's difficult to talk openly when he is right there with me, and he probably would not believe what I was saying about him anyway!

He also was initially diagnosed in 2018 and is in late stage 5. Learning a lot from these group discussions