A Good Thing

CindyBum

Some may remember how upset I’ve been about my how SOs “super close, best family ever” just disappeared from her life when they heard she had dementia. Poof. No contact.

I finally talked to my therapist about it. We agreed her family just didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal, so the only real thing I could do to give myself some relief from the anger and hurt I felt was to send them updates on her health. So I did. Just the facts. One of those facts was how my SO is so fortunate to have friends who’ve made a point to visit her and stay in touch. I couldn’t help myself. :-)

Suddenly her two sisters are coming for a visit and her niece is planning a visit too. My SO is happy, so I’m happy too. I’ll take that as a win and hope I can let go of my annoyance that it took me doing that for them to pay attention.

Ed1937

I'm glad you got something going for her. It's really hard when family and/or close friends disappear, but if you can forgive them, it's best for everybody, including you. For whatever reasons, some people just can't handle the things that are so uncomfortable.

Kibbee

Disappearing family and friends is sadly a common theme. DH's brother, his only sibling, has seen him only once since 2017. Most of his friends have also fallen by the wayside, although a couple of them hung in there until a couple years ago. I think they are uncomfortable and just don't know what to do / what to say. The one person who has stayed in touch is his old girlfriend from high school & college. She sends cards and calls to speak with him. She has had her own serious health issues, but in her recent card said she would like to come for a visit, so I'll contact her and set that up. Pretty funny that I am up for that, since in the early days or our marriage I found her cards / calls annoying to say the least!

Since pretty much everyone else has drifted away and has not maintained contact, I have come to a decision. If I outlive DH, I will not be having a funeral or service of any kind. I really do not see the point of holding an event so that people who couldn't find it within themselves to stay in touch with him while he was living, should be afforded the opportunity to come and commiserate once he is gone. (I know this may not be a popular position, but it is how I feel at this moment.)

Who knows, maybe to mark the occasion his old girlfriend and I will go out for a nice lunch together. Wouldn't that be an ironic and interesting twist?

ImMaggieMae

Kibbee, you are right about the funeral. Funerals are for the remaining living. And these people certainly aren’t doing you any favors.

Jgirl57

That is a big win!

SiberianIris

"...If I outlive DH, I will not be having a funeral or service of any kind. I really do not see the point of holding an event so that people who couldn't find it within themselves to stay in touch with him while he was living, should be afforded the opportunity to come and commiserate once he is gone. (I know this may not be a popular position, but it is how I feel at this moment.)..."

Kibbee, I TOTALLY agree!

Denise1847

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186791#Comment_186791

Your plan sounds perfect to me. I have experienced the same thing with friends. We have one couple who still keeps in touch. My family comes around. However, the friends we had have drifted away as if we have the plague. The interesting thing is slowly everyone is have health issues and will come to appreciate the importance of enduring friendships. I am not bitter as I get people don't know how to handle serious illness.

Joe C.

That’s great that her family are coming to visit and I hope these visits continue in the future.

LJCHR

CindyBum- you should take that as a win. Good job.

I have 2 sisters, one is very supportive and offers me comfort. The other doesn’t want to talk about dementia. Both are wonderful sisters - one is just so uncomfortable with the disease. I find that many people are uncomfortable with dementia/Alzheimer’s - the stigma that goes along with it is real. People can talk about other terminal diseases (cancer, etc) but the dementia seems to be taboo.

Happy you achieved their support - it gives you peace of mind and “a break”.

LJCHR

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186791#Comment_186791

Kibble- I love your sense of humor about having lunch with the old girlfriend. That’s fantastic - a break for you from caregiving.

Pat6177

I just want to chime in on behalf of all the people who know nothing about dementia. I got to know a woman in the neighborhood and the 2 of us and a 3rd neighbor would go out to lunch. This neighbor was taking care of her mother who had dementia. She did not say much about her mother or indicate the level of care that her mother required. Her mother passed from the dementia before my DH was diagnosed. Once my DH was diagnosed and I found this forum, I then knew what she must have gone thru in caring for her mother. I apologized to her for never offering her help. But I just did not understand what was involved. In my first career, I was a RN and certainly could have stayed with her mother to give her some respite. Or toward the end, I could have help her change the bed with her mother in it. So I still feel bad. But, she never once asked for my help. People who haven’t been thru this don’t understand. So I think what you did Cindybum was perfect.

CindyBum

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186791#Comment_186791

😀Lunch with the old gf! That could be something.

SDianeL

Glad for the win! Years ago my ex-husband's mother had dementia and was dying. He hadn't been to see her in the nursing home for years. I took my daughter to see her grandmother in the nursing home. At first my daughter said she couldn't go see her grandmother because she didn't want to see her "that way" -- I said you don't go for her, you go for yourself. You go because she loved you and you love her and it's the right thing to do. I told her that she could go with me and if she couldn't go in the room, she could wait in the hallway. I went in and held her grandmother's hand and talked to her. Told her Suzy was there. Her grandmother got very quiet almost like she heard me. In a couple of minutes my sweet daughter came in to see her grandmother. I have never been more proud of my daughter. It took courage. When her grandmother passed away at the hospital, she went with me. She asked her step mother where her Dad was and why he wasn't he there. She said he was in the car in the parking lot and couldn't come up because he didn't want to see his mother that way. My daughter never got over that. She never forgave her Dad. Her grandmother passed away that night and her only son couldn't come see her before she passed. Sorry about the long post but that's what many people say. They don't want to see the person like that. Nobody does but we go because it's the right thing to do. To me, it's selfish and a lack of courage.

charley0419

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/186902#Comment_186902

Niicely put

GothicGremlin

@CindyBum - Definitely a win!

I think your therapist is right - some (maybe, many) people just don't have the capacity to deal. My family is the same way, super close, always did everything together, and yet, not a one of them visits my sister. Once in a blue moon my brother will stop by and see her, but other than that? Crickets. I was pretty angry in the beginning, but now I get it. This is all just too uncomfortable for them. I wish it wasn't that way, but it is.

I used to send updates too, but again, most of the time it was crickets, so I stopped doing that. If someone has a question, they can ask me, but they usually don't.

Also like your SO, Peggy's blessed with some truly wonderful friends, who actually do come by and visit with her. M sees her every other day, D calls every day, and now a third high school friend is back in the mix. I was in memory care with Peggy earlier last week and J (the high school friend) came walking in the door, totally unexpected. I hadn't seen her in years, but I recognized her. Best thing? Peggy recognized her too. She was so happy!

I'll be having dinner with J and her husband next week, we'll catch up, and go over everything she needs to know in order to have successful visits with Peggy.

@Kibbee - Maybe it's unpopular, but I like your idea (about the funeral) as well. I also like the idea of you and his old girlfriend going out to lunch.

Kibbee

The old girlfriend is a very kind and caring person. Who knows, maybe we would become friends. Life can be strange sometimes!