Should my Mom(who has dementia) move in with me and my family?

Janely28_

Hello,
I'm seriously considering relocating my Mom from her home in Puerto Rico to live with me and my family in New Jersey. Mom has dementia and needs assistance with daily stuff like personal hygiene and meals. Although there's family in Puerto Rico that are close, everyone is too busy to help her every day. We can't afford to hire a home caregiver. Mom does not have Medicare and her pension is very low. I'm looking for solutions that would give her the best quality of life possible.

harshedbuzz

@Janely28_

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

There are 2 pieces to consider around this. The first has to do with what governmental programs would apply to her situation. Is there some reason she doesn't have Medicare? Is she not old enough or did she not enroll? In your shoes I might reach out to your area agency of aging and ask about what might be available to her if she moves from PR to NJ; if she doesn't have much in the way of assets or income, she might qualify for Medicaid's NJ Family Care Program which might offer you some hours of assistance. If she or a spouse are veterans, there may be some benefits there for her.

The other piece to this is whether you and your community are the best fit for her. If you have young children at home or a full time job, you might not be able to provide a level of care needed without shortchanging your children who are your primary responsibility. Often PWD aren't agitated by the activity of young children and behave in a harsh manner with them. One daughter who was attempting to wrangle her mom and preschool granddaughter found mom resented the child and once spray her with what she thought was Raid.

Community could be a factor, too. I don't know if your mom speaks English as well as Spanish, but often PWD will "lose" their second language as the disease progresses which can make finding caregivers more of a challenge depending where you live. My friend's mom reverted to German in the late-middle stages (about the time she needed assistance in the shower) which made finding care while she worked difficult. This meant mom couldn't really participate in a day program which would have been better socially and less expensive than a $30+/hour aide.

Good luck whatever you decide.

HB