I'm burnt

GothicGremlin

I was listening to a guilty pleasure goth band I like (Ashbury Heights - if they were a mainstream band, they'd be Abba), and the lyric "On the worst of days I'm a burned out candle" hit home. That would be me, the burned out candle.

I've always tended to love my work, so burn out hasn't been a thing for me in the past. But now? Alzheimer's is kicking me in the rear end. I can't walk away and I can't go on a month long vacation to completely unplug. And besides, to be honest, I think I need more than a month. I think I need at least a year (not realistic).

All of my tactics (gym, music, writing, work) that usually work, still work for a day or two, but as soon as something happens, like Peggy screaming, not eating, hallucinating The Lady, etc., then I'm toast for a few hours. It takes a while to bounce back.

How do you deal with burn out when you can't remove yourself from the situation?

M1

Funny you bring this up GG, i was just having the same conversation with myself after delivering my very unhappy partner back to MC from the hospital. I was so hoping she'd at least be glad to be back in familiar surroundings and faces, but no, she was furious because i was leaving.

She's just going to have to stew for a while, I'm toast, as you said. I was thinking about the Edna St. Vincent Millay poem this morning (though it applies more to debauchery than dementia):

I burn my candle at both ends, It will not last the night; But oh my foes and oh my friends, It gives a lovely light.

Quilting brings calm

GG- I had to emotionally detach myself, because, like you, I can’t physically remove myself. I’d give anything to go back in time and move out of state when my two siblings did decades ago. It’s doubtful that would have helped since I’m still the only responsible one out of myself, my siblings, and my 3 step-Siblings. I’d just be doing this in a different location.

The comment M1 just made about his partner having to stew for a while is a method I’ve had to employ, otherwise my Mom would drain my emotions dry with her anxiety and depression. Same with my step-dad due to my frustration and anger going sky-high with his paranoia about me handling their money, and his stubbornness. I have a hard time standing up to him because of my childhood with him- and I will be 65 next month.

You need to limit your contact for a while. Let Peggy’s friends visit more and limit your visit to once a week. Eat more chocolate and ice cream- and then take a walk to offset the calories. Read a book (kindle) in bed or in the bathtub( if you have some place to put it where it won’t fall in). it’s ok to come home from work and spend the evening in bed.

dancsfo

Perhaps you can meditate for short periods. If you have a hard time doing it on your own, there are apps, like Calm that can help you. I realize that, as you said, a month(s) long vacation is what's really needed to recharge, but it's not realistic. The good part about meditating is that all you need is a place to do it, unlike going to the gym, etc.

Jeanne C.

GG, I haven't hit burnout yet, but some days it's a near thing. I try to find time for myself. I read ridiculous paranormal fiction. I listen to a lot of music. Today I met a dear friend and had really good sushi for lunch. I listened to her talk about her angsty twentysomething kids and didn't think about Ralph. The sun burnt through the fog (literally and figuratively) while we were in the restaurant and I came home refreshed. These small things will have to do until I can get that sabbatical we all need. I hate to say this, but I dread the sabbatical because I know it means the end of his journey.

BassetHoundAnn

Hi, Gothic. I was wondering how you and Peggy were doing, and was hoping that you both were doing well or at least surviving well. Funny that you posted this message. I was thinking of posting a similar query. How does one keep going in spite of emotional exhaustion and the constant feeling of the weight of the world heavy on one's shoulders?

Quilting Brings Calm has it right. Lots of ice-cream, chocolate, a good walk and a book in bed are restorative. Time with friends also helps a lot.

I too feel like I need to unplug for a few weeks (not realistic), although a year would be better (not realistic at all). I feel emotionally spent, almost as if I have PTSD, the anxiety and adrenaline surges haunt me.

Last week my mom's old friends visited her. She was mostly unresponsive, slumped in a wheelchair, eyes closed. They were upset, sobbing the whole time. It was an emotionally tough visit. After they left, she revived. She sat up and I hand-fed her for about an hour. Then she lashed out at me. Why was she there? What kind of place was this? Why couldn't I take her home and care for her? Why was I such an awful daughter? Every day that I have visited her she has been this way. Each time I go home I vow I will take a week off from visiting her, but my sense of daughterly responsibility keeps taking me back. Sometimes I wonder how long I can go on like this, but then I feel selfish because she is the one who is suffering.

forbarbara

About backing off on visits — it helps when I remember that I’m the only one who knows how many days between visits. My LO lost all sense of time long ago. I could show up 3 times in one day or once in 3 weeks and she wouldn’t know the difference.

GG, I hope you’ll find a way to give yourself more time off.

SusanB-dil

Not quite the same as burnout, but it does get frustrating not being able to go anywhere. Sometimes DH and I might be able to go to a local diner to grab a bite, away from the house, when her sister visits for a bit, but that's about it. Would like to go somewhere for a few days, or even a long weekend. That won't be happening. Actually, can't even do a day-trip to the zoo or something. We both just try not to think about it.

Last time I did get out (other than work) to go see my mom, I went with daughter, as DH had to stay with MIL. It had been so long, mom couldn't quite place me, so I must be her sister. Since she does that over the phone, anyway, that was ok.

I really, really, hate 'this'.

GG - could you let them just pick it up off your shoulders for a week? 2 weeks even? (maybe pop in once) more than that, and I'm thinking you'd worry too much... but they could call if really necessary.

SEM_BOS

At one point, I was sick for a few days and just needed to sleep a lot. Plus of course, didn't want to bring any germs into the facility. There was nobody else to go visit, so I just called the facility staff and let them know, and called my mom every day or so and told her I was sick and could not come. Her mom instincts kicked in and she kept offering to come visit me and help me if I needed it.

But mostly, I learned that the world kept moving. Mom actually remembered I was sick - as if her maternal instincts cut through her dementia. And once I went back, and once she knew I was ok, everything else returned to how it had been.

Separately, I also remembered that there was a time when I visited mom on Friday night, all day Saturday, and then an hour Sunday morning. On Monday, she asked where I had been because she hadn't seen me in weeks!

So just like Forbarbara said:

About backing off on visits — it helps when I remember that I’m the only one who knows how many days between visits. My LO lost all sense of time long ago. I could show up 3 times in one day or once in 3 weeks and she wouldn’t know the difference

FloydSnax

Remember me? Now, why would a cool goth chick even admit to listening to a modern-day Abba? Are you into that band Ghost? I think they qualify as goth? I'm so out of the loop nowadays, I don't know anything anymore. And music was my thing...

Anyway, I was where you are and what I did was find this site. And you were one of the ones that helped me through it. You will hear the right responses here. You know you will. Sooner or later. I was there with my mom 24/7. Missed a lot of shows. And when I did get someone to babysit, my mind was back home with my mom. Its totally not fair but I think you're gonna have to bite the bullet on this. No one can care as you can. When my mom left, I was looking into Care.com where you can choose someone to come over for short bursts and give you a little relief. Thats gotta be your answer. Good Luck

GothicGremlin

So much good advice here. I needed to take some time to process it all.

@M1 I've definitely noticed cycles on this site. Sometimes it seems like we're all doing something different, and other times we're all doing the same things. Funny how that is.

@Quilting brings calm I'm starting to think that limiting my time in memory care is a wise choice. I don't like it because I feel like the time I have left (where she knows who I am) is limited. But that's about my needs, not hers. So yeah, I'm going to take some time away from memory care.

@dancsfo I'm terrible at meditation. I can't quiet my mind... But your comments reminded me of back when I was studying for the bar and I was a little stress ball. It was back then that I discovered sensory deprivation tanks (floatation tanks). They're filled with Epsom salts and water heated to body temperature. Once you get in and close the lid, it's quiet and pitch black. After awhile you can't feel yourself. I know that might sound like hell, but after an hour in one of those tanks, I remember feeling completely refreshed. I looked to see if they're still a thing, and happily they are! I've booked my first appointment. I suppose it's kind of like meditation, only with all external stimuli removed. Kind of a cheat, I guess.

@Jeanne C. Yummy sushi..... 🙂 I too listen to a lot of music. I listen to something every day if I can. It really does help. My go to is goth/industrial, but on really stressful days I've been known to listen to Gregorian chants. They're so beautiful.

@BassetHoundAnn I don't know..... I hear you about PTSD. I feel like if I'm not careful that's where I'm going to end up. I've felt that for awhile now.

Peggy never lashes out at me, but over the last month she's really creeped me out (odd, you'd think being a goth, I'd be immune). 🙂 But her latest is that she'll talk to me in person, and then she'll turn away from me and talk to the photo of me on the wall. It's a fairly large photo of me, Peggy, and our brother from way back in the day. I think I'm in my early 20s, which means that my brother was probably 18, and Peggy was 19. It's like there are two of me in the room. It's just bizarre - and kind of creepy. I just roll with it when I'm with her.

@forbarbara You are absolutely right.

@SusanB-dil I don't know. I've talked to Peggy's friend M about this - he already goes in every other day. I really don't know how that guy does it. It's basically me and him who visit Peggy. I have a couple of caregivers who sit with Peggy at dinner (so that she'll eat). My brother visited Peggy last week - I nearly fell over! So good for him for showing up. I know Peggy was really happy to see him. I may have one other person who will spend time with her - her best friend from high school. She and I are going to have dinner next week and go over everything and we'll see what happens. I know she wants to spend time with Peggy, but the day she came in, she spent almost the whole time fighting back tears, so I don't know.

@SEM_BOS This is very true. You and @forbarbara are right on the money.

@FloydSnax Of course I remember you! My TSOL-loving friend! And yes, I know Ghost (not goth, but goth adjacent). I have some friends who are huge fans and recently saw them live.

Ashbury Heights wants to be edgy, they really do, but they aren't really. And in spite of their gloominess, I think of them as "pop goth." Here's I Can Kill You So Easily - an old song. If that's not ABBA, I don't know what is. 😄 Here's one of their most recent - a little edgier - Tunguska (so drama queen-y). The woman with the shorter hair is from a different band, Corlyx.

But yeah, I take your point.

My short term plan is 1. step away from memory care for some amount of time, and 2. get in the tank.