Mom is unhappy, but well cared for

LadyTexan

Dear Mom has Alzheimer’s. I estimate Stage 5. My dad is her primary caregiver. I am the back-up hands on caregiver. We all live in the same house since mom was discharged from the rehab hospital in late September. Mom was in the rehab hospital bc she fell and broke her leg/hip.

Home Health is providing occupational therapy and physical therapy. Since hospital discharge, My dad has extended the hours of a private caregiver, to 6 hours a day each weekday. Prior to that, it was 5 hours a day, 3 days a week. My parents have used the same caregiver over a year now.

Recently, My mom is not happy with the caregiver. IMO the caregiver is experienced, capable, good natured, sincerely cares for my mom and is trustworthy. I am unaware of any event that had created my mom’s unhappiness. I believe my mom is behaving like a toddler, being defiant and not wanting to engage in activities.

The caregiver is a key part of the team and I want to keep the peace. How can I enhance the harmony in the household?

M1

I wish i had an answer LT, i have the same dilemma in memory care. My partner has really been difficult today after a hospitalization, refusing to cooperate with physical therapy and locking the sitter out of her room! I don't know how you change the dynamic, will watch the comments with interest.

Marta

I think you have to lower your expectations. You cannot expect cooperation 24/7. Find out what the issues are and proceed from there.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

harshedbuzz

@LadyTexan

For my dad, dissatisfaction with HHAs tended to be driven by 2 factors. The first was that by the time he needed a team to manage his care at home, anosognosia was fully entrenched and he was insulted that we thought he needed somebody and wasn't going to like anyone we brought in whatever the narrative or fiblet.

The other piece to this was that mom was his preferred person. He wouldn't accept help from anyone, me included, if he knew mom was home. He was insulted by the thought that she needed a break from him and would hire someone so she didn't have to be. If she wanted to take a nap or clean out a closet with her respite time, dad would seek her out knowing she was there rather like a toddler who only wants mom. She resented having to leave her own home, but that's what it took for dad to settle for the HHA. She grabbed quite a few naps at my place.

We got HHAs from and agency. As newbies offering only 15 hours weekly, we tended to get aides that were either new or not particularly popular with other clients.

Sometimes PWD will develop a distain for people "not like them". This could result in not being comfortable with a person of a different race, the opposite gender doing hygiene, "too damned perky", or even just someone a few decades younger to whom they can't relate. My friend had luck finding an older woman who spoke German for her mom that became more like a friend over time. We did finally find a young woman who much resembled the version of mom as dad first met her who had a lovely manner about her.

The other thought is that by stage 5, a certain amount of inertia sets in for many PWD. If you and dad are all about the HHA engaging your mom with activities and see this as what you are paying for and your mom would rather be left to nap, watch game shows or stare into space she isn't going to like it. Is mom healed enough to go out with an aide alone? That sometimes works depending on the PWD. Even a drive to a fast-food restaurant for lunch and to watch kids in the play place can be a break for you and dad.

Good luck. I sometimes feel like the notion of moments of joy creates an undue burden for those trying to enforce happiness on someone who no longer has the capacity for it.

HB

Quilting brings calm

==I believe my mom is behaving like a toddler, being defiant and not wanting to engage in activities.==

She probably is. I suggest stopping the activities, and just having the caregiver be there for safety and to provide drinks, snacks, etc. Let your mom decide to initiate conversation or to ask the caregiver to join her in an activity. I finally had to let my parent’s complaints roll off my back because the doctor told me they would never be happy and that all I could do was keep them safe.

scarfire

sadly, this is part of the illness - especially stage 5. my mom was diagnosed 9 years ago and has been in stage 5 nearing nearing 6 for the past 7 years. she can be happy and smiling one minute and then threaten physical violence minutes later. it's very difficult to deal with as her primary care giver.

SDianeL

My DH Stage 5 goes from calling his caregiver "My Lady" to saying he doesn't want her to come and that she uses our bathroom and eats our food. (she brings her own lunch and heats it in the microwave). I spoke with our caregiver and explained what was going on so she would know but made it clear that it was the Dementia. She is very calm person and that helps. My DH is more difficult when it's me doing the caregiving, so I think the longer you have a caregiver and they get used to them, and the caregiver has to tell the person what and how to do something, the person with Dementia resents it. Your Mom could also be paranoid, delusional or confabulating. My DH recently told my daughter that I gave my step-dad $9000 for his birthday. One minute he says he wants to go visit my sister & brother-in-law and the next time I ask him he says he hates the #*(! I would speak to the caregiver and tell her what's going on and have her try just allowing your Mom to do what she wants as long as she's not hurting herself. I've also found that keeping a regular routine helps. As others have said, you may not be able to keep the peace. If your Mom is agitated toward the caregiver, medication will help.