Time Feels Slow

kmw11

Time feels slow but fast all at the same time. I became my mothers caretaker a few short months ago but so much has happened and is still happening. It has been so fast but the days are filled with anxiety, worry, overthinking, sadness, anger, resentment, empathy then back to resentment and feeling like I just want to run away.. Its made all the days feel incredibly slow. I moved my mom closer to my husband and I about 2 months ago. It has been hard to say the least. I am struggling with trying to be my mothers emotional and physical support while also being her whipping post for her anger, frustration and accusations. My fuse has become shorter and shorter with each visit.

A lot of my frustration also comes from years of being verbally beaten down to the point where confrontation of any kind is unthinkable and makes me a complete ball of anxiety. And yet that is all this woman wants to do. I've tried the I'm sorry you're right (which is also very hard for me) and then try to redirect but she gets so stuck on whatever it is that I have done to make her feel upset she will not stop circling back to it over and over again. It is exhausting. I immediately clench up when I hear my phone rings fearing it is her and dread whenever I go over to see her. Whenever I am around I find myself flying around the house trying to secretly (because anger will ensue if i do it in front of her) clean, throw out old food in the fridge, wash dishes, put away groceries.. which as most of you known a PWD typically doesn't let their caretaker out of their sight so it makes for a stressful time instead of the trying to appreciate each moment together time.

The true slowness of it all has been trying to get help. We have 1 in home care taker and she is wonderful. The process of finding health care provider (because yes I moved her away from hers) getting an appointment, finding in home help, finding a new lawyer, trying to navigate her finances, trying to find an AL for her to move to, has all been painfully slow while trying to deal with the daily rollercoaster ride of emotions of caregiving.

I am trying to find more in home help so I can take a micro step away while I wait to hear form an AL facility. Meanwhile I wait for this long overdue doctors appointment to try to reach a diagnosis and hopefully some medication to help alleviate her agitation and anxiety. I really don't know how others can have their PWD come live with them. It would break me more than this is breaking me now. I keep trying to tell myself this is her going through this not you. But I can't ignore my own feelings like I have for years. My hope is that my worry will decrease once she is placed in a facility. I am also hoping the guilt of putting her in a facility will dissipate over time.

To all of you that have been doing this for so much longer or even if it is your first day know you are doing the best you can and are doing a great job.

End rant.

Quilting brings calm

Breathe. You are doing your best. The first year about killed me. Getting them moved back to our home state due to a medical crisis, getting them settled in the AL, dealing with all the medical issues, all their drama, and dealing with being their outside world lifeline during COViD. I retired 14 months into it - a year or so earlier than I planned- partly due to my parents monopolizing my time, and partly due to my spouse’s health issues, and then the stress of it all. Then a little after the beginning of the third year of being their caregiver, I was in an accident and out of commission for several weeks. They survived my absence and their PCP told me to take a step back because I was burning myself out. It’s gotten easier because I’m now emotionally detached, I let the AL take the lead when appropriate, and I limit my visits to doctor appointments, add a typical once weekly visit to their apartment in the AL, and a quick trip to the grocery store afterwards, returning with their groceries. I call multiple times a week.

You need to get them settled in the AL when you can and then make sure you take time for you and whomever else is in your life. I make sure to get away for at least few days at a time multiple times a year. Added in some snowbird time this past winter ( a little after year four began).

I totally understand your point about not having her live with you. My feelings were exactly the same. I’ve discussed those feelings several times in posts to all three of the caregiver forums. Don’t feel guilty about it. You deserve sanctuary for you and your spouse.

psg712

Keep saying your last paragraph to yourself. You are doing the best that you can in an incredibly difficult situation.

I moved my mom a year and a half ago from her own home (400 miles from me) to an AL ten minutes from me. I'm finding that the transition times are the hardest. I was taken to task by several well-meaning friends and family members for uprooting her. Once she was here, I realized that the only thing I was guilty of was leaving her to struggle alone in her own place for as long as I had before coming to grips with the fact that she was no longer safe there.

All of those tasks of finding services in her new area are overwhelming. I hope that you find what you and she need, especially the AL, and you can take a step back and reassess the balance in your life.

Mint

I can so relate to all you say. I endure anger from my mom too for cleaning etc. My mom always kept her house clean in her previous life. It’s hard on both of us. Take care of yourself.

kmw11

@Quilting brings calm its the emotional detachment I am finding so hard! I need to focus on my own home, farm, husband and life but when I leave her to go home and all I do is think about her and worry how she is alone and how scared she must feel. It’s especially hard on the days when she is lucid and can recognize what is happening to her. I need space to decompress myself but the guilt is overwhelming. It is all so hard. Thank you for your kind words I am hoping there will be a shift when she moves into AL.

Quilting brings calm

@kmw11 The emotional detachment comes over time and as you approach burnout and caregiver fatigue. I spent a lot of time feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, wondering what else I could do, trying to make them happy. At some point a professional will tell you that you can’t make them happy, you can only try to keep them safe. Other people will remind you this is a one way path - nothing you did put your loved one in it and nothing you do will do much to alter the path’s length and trajectory. People will tell you that you must step back or your life ( and people in it) will be lost too. You have to grieve first. Finally you will look at your loved one and no longer see the person you remember. Then you might reach emotional detachment.