Anger, two parents

bvukovich

I don’t even know where to begin. My dad had a stroke the end of may and my mom demanded that he be able to come

Home after his rehab even though all the kids were recommending they consider moving to even an IL. During his initial recovery it became clear moms memory issues were waaayyy worse than we had realized. The stress made it worse but she refused to acknowledge it at all. Fast forward-they lived on their own for 3 mos mom Was put on meds for dementia due to Alz a year ago but she rarely took them. We realized her memory issues were way worse through the aftermath of dads stroke and begged mom to consider AL or in home care. She refused both and they lived alone with a nurse to give Him insulin coming 1x/day. They both lost weight and dad quit going to PT and they were missing Dr appts bc our mom refused any help with in home care. Dad fell twice in two weeks and neither of them coulD Get him up so he stayed on the floor until the insulin nurse arrived.

The falls spurred my mom to ask my sister to get them Into IL (then AL after #2) and so she moved mountains to get them to a nice place 15 mins from her. The day after they moved in my mom declared they were going home and has been nasty and aggressive pretty much ever since. Our dad doesn’t mind being there but the biggest complaint (other than lack of familiarity) is they have far to go outside to smoke (dad picked it up again about 6 weeks ago-2 weeks before they moved and we think it was bc mom was leaving him alone for hours at a time while she sat outside to smoke). Her yelling and screaming at him and my sister has been escalating. She was verbally abusive much of our lives but her filter is now gone.

My sister is bearing the burden of all of this since she is 15 mins away (I’m 2,000miles away and come for 1-3 weeks at a time) but recently we are feeling like not only might this be developing into more physical abuse but also impeding dads ability to get better.

We are at our wits end. Any experience with helping get anger down? With separating parents when you have heard terrible screaming on butt dial Messages? With letting moM Move home but keeping dad in AL for his continued improvement? (AL and their home about an hour and a half apart-neither should be driving) it’s all just awful.

Quilting brings calm

Medication- your sister needs to contact their doctors ( a psychiatrist if they have one, or a neurologist if they have one, or their PCP if they don’t have the others. Do it via messaging through a patient portal, or by dropping off a letter explaining the issues, or by a phone call. Ask for medication- even if you have to make an appointment to get it.

Neither of them should go home. It takes about six months ( and sometimes more) to settle into an AL( or any group living situation).

In the meantime, your sister does not have to answer her phone - and she can limit her visits to transporting and accompanying them to doctor appointments, delivering supplies, and a once weekly visit otherwise. The AL will let her know if your parents need more from her.

M1

Welcome to the forum. Lots to unpack here.

What you are essentially dealing with is that before his stroke, your dad was serving as primary caregiver for your mom with dementia, and consciously or unconsciously, was providing a lot of "scaffolding" to prop her up and keep her functioning. It's not uncommon for the functional parent to downplay how bad the dementia is. Now all of a sudden, she doesn't have that support, and you are faced with a bad reality. She needs a caregiver, and so does your dad-in no way should your mother be responsible for any aspect of his care.

Your sister who lives close needs to have power of attorney for both of them, and you may need to arrange separate housing for them. Your mother definitely needs medication to tamp down the abusive behavior, and then you can figure out if they can continue to live together or not. She may need a psychiatric hospitalization to get her stabilized; you don't want them both to get asked to leave because of her behavior. Your mom likely needs a memory care unit, while your dad may need to continue in assisted living. If you haven't already done so, your family needs to make an appointment with a certified elder law attorney (look at nelf.org) to get the proper legal documents and financial planning to qualify them both for long-term Medicaid if needed.

So sorry you are facing this, it's doubly hard.

If you are concerned that your mother poses a physical risk to your father, you should call 911and have her taken to an emergency room. Posing a risk to herself or others is plenty of reason to hospitalize her against her will. This really may be the way to go, the hospital social workers can then help you figure out next steps.

SusanB-dil

Hi bvukovich - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason. There is excellent advice already.

Just want to add that there is also the alz care number for support at any time. Also, even if one of you does not have HIPAA accesses, you can still tell her doc just how badly agitated she is. They may not be legally allowed to respond, but they can definitely take it into consideration.

So sorry, that is a lot to handle.